The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things in the home front has been great. Sobriety remains in the home. That is a miracle. However, I find myself very miserable. I feel the anger inside me building up. I am so use to the insanity that now that there is structure and sanity I find it hard to deal with. I am not sure how to respond to it. Everything seems to be getting under my skin and I can feel the anger inside me building. I am angry that I am still sick, first with infection inside stomack that is still there, then right abdominal pain that I am waiting on surgery on, then 2 weeks ago I get a cold and so sick and now my Asthma has gotten very bad and the puffers are not working. I have been in and out of the doctor office and going on the asthma machine only to have wheezing again 2 hours later. I am so fed up with my body breaking down. The ABF remains sober and even his voice and presence bothers me. I have not been able to get to any meetings due to being sick and I am finding the isolation is getting to me. Despite being sick, I try and get out of the house for a few hours but some days its challenging. I try and read on the message board as much as I can. I am so fed up with myself and my body shutting down. The other day I had to go to emergency due to my breathing and the doctor said you have OCPD (lung disease), and then yesterday I went to my doctor office as breathing was getting bad again and he says your asthma is really bad. I just wish the doctor would just admit me into the hospital and let me get better. I have been sick for 1.2 years now and not able to work. Its constant, one thing after another. I can not tolerate it anymore. I am so fed up, completely fed up with my health failing me. I know this sounds selfish, but I wish I would just die rather than suffer like this, one sickness after another. I honestly am so tired of being sick...I really need to vent this. At times, I just cry in complete frustration as I want my life back, I want to go back to work, be healthy, not this endless suffering. I am trying so hard to take things one day at a time and just focus on today and do the best I can, but I am angry, angry at my body for failing me and feeling alone fighting this sickness. I feel like no-one understands my anger and loneliness of feeling like the world is passing me by. I am angry at the doctors for not believing how sick I really am and not just admitting me to the hospital and letting me get better. I feel I have to be near death or passed out from lack of oxygen before they believe me. I really need to let this out as this anger of things I can not control is killing me!
(((Joker))) I am pleased that sobriety in in your home and saddened to read that your health is failing. I can understand your frustration and disappointment and would urge you to please be gentle with yourself, rest, eat healthy , use your meds, share here and at the on line meetings. You are growing on the inside and "This too will pass "
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Joker I also am glad that sobriety is still present. That is a huge benefit in support of your attitude for getting well. Being sick is the pits and when it happens to me I add meditation and acceptance and relaxation to my practices. When I get up-tight the situation always get worse. Prayerful that the doctors do a better job for you and you begin to smell the roses. ((((hugs))))
(((Joker))) - So very sorry that you're not feeling well....I know when I am sick physically, I tend to be less 'well' emotionally - the two can be related. Especially if what is keeping me down keeps me from what I want/need to do outside of my home! I also agree - be gentle with you and do what you need to do to feel better - it will pass as most things do.
I am also glad that sobriety has continued. While I know you are in a 'place' you don't want to be, there is a blessing that at least you're not there AND you have to experience active disease too! I'm sending you positive thoughts and get better prayers!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
