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My mom possibly being angry at me still gets to me. Without going into detail I didn't invite my mom to be part of a short visit with my in laws and I did so because she hasn't participated in any visits with them in the past few years. I didn't do it to hurt her or insult her I just didn't think it was important to her. Until I got a text asking me if something was going on today. She had seen my in laws car in the driveway I'm sure of it. My blood started to run cold. I could tell she will be angry she wasn't invited. I thought about it and although I could have remembered to invite her I didn't do anything horribly wrong to her even if she acts as if I did. My mom has the ability to make my life miserable when angry at me so I often try to appease her as much as possible that whole peace at any cost is the tactic i use with my mom when shes angry and usually the cost is hearing and feeling lIke a wretched horrible disappointment of a daughter (because shes told me that). My automatic reaction is to explain or justify or even point out how rudely she avoided my in laws last time. But non of that is helpful or nice. All I can do is appologize for not including her without taking on all the guilt and shame she wants to heap on me about it. I will put my moms anger in my God box. I might tiptoe over drop it in and slam the lid shut fast lol. At least this incident really brought to my attention the fear I have especially with my mom and her anger. Now to ease that pit in my stomach......
(((KT))) - sending you prayers and positive thoughts. I can relate and am trying really hard to 'not be her' for my own boys.....Keep processing - more will be revealed!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Kt))))), I think you handled it well,good for you.ive been there with my x in laws. ,never a pleasant experience ,thank you for sharing ,the god box is great.....lu
It turned out she wasn't mad at all just wanted to know if she was expected somewhere. It was me assuming...again. this weekend has all been about lessons about not taking responsibility for others anger. My ah was angry today to the point of not speaking to me even though he said he was mad at himself. My past reactions would have been to act desperately to appease his anger. In the past I used to ask him if he was angry at me so often I think in some cases he would become convinced it must have been me who made him angry. Then I would try to convince him why he shouldn't be angry with me lol. My AH's anger is already in my God box so I was able to let it go. It just didn't feel so awful like previous times (thanks HP). He insisted on cooking a meal with me but didn't want to speak in the past I would have gone nuts absolutely nuts. This time I put headphones on and listened to music while I cooked. Why make a big fight out of it. It's his choice if he wants to have a silent meal. Then I spent most of my meal silently. I wont lie it hurt to be given the silent treatment but I made the most of it. And then I left for my meeting early. He had been drinking of course and it's often the case that I'm the big bad wolf in some ridiculous thought or another. I came home and he had appeared to have drank even more and also appeared to forget he gave me the silent treatment and was talking to me again....whatever buddy. Sigh. I am glad I had the tools to have a peaceful night despite his behaviour and his anger and whatever. I feel good about today.
Thank you all for your replies. Hugs!!
Sounds like you handled it all very well, KT. I like the headphones idea; then you couldn't hear the silence!
Every day is a new / different / tweaked / mood in our house. I am never quite sure which mood will be front and center for my AH, so every morning I ask for the patience and guidance from HP on how best to deal with it. Like you.... it still stings, but not as much as it used to. Sometimes I wish it was the silent treatment...lol.....but I used to get those from my mom growing up and they were very painful, so I don't really want to make light of it.
I think you are doing great and I find so much inspiration in your shares! Thank you for being here with us!
Thanks El. I feel so much growth lately and it's such a relief. Last night I went to bed (asked my AH to sleep in spare room due to snoring) and I felt lonely and a little sad. In the middle of the night my little girl came and crawled into bed next to me to cuddle (she rarely does this). It was nice and eased my loneliness a bit. I felt like my HP was comforting me a little. And boy did I enjoy that snuggle. I appreciated it so much. I woke up this morning and my AH was wanting everything to be fine. I wasn't fighting with him but I just didn't feel like pretending that ignoring me all afternoon didn't happen. He was very put off that I didn't give him a hug this morning. I tried to explain that I still needed a little space after yesterday and he got angry and stomped off. I understand. it's disappointing when people can't give you the emotional reassurance that you want in the moment. But I can honour my feelings and to hug him like I would every other day and pretending that nothing happened yesterday pretending that I wasn't upset just didn't feel appropriate this morning. The nice thing was there was no fighting and no arguing. No blow ups and I felt on edge here and there because I knew he was going to be put off by my lack of enthusiasm this morning I got through it. Today is thanksgiving (Canadian thanksgiving). I am making a nice dinner and having a small gathering and I am looking forward to that instead of focusing on the disagreement we recently had.
I am especially thankful to all of you for being there and being supportive.
((Hugs))
I have the same kinds of problems with my parents. Parents and in-laws don't really like each other, so no reason to have them at the same outings under most circumstances, but my parents don't like to not be included in everything. Even tough they sit around and look like grumpy bumps on pickles when they are there lol.
My wife actually did the bast say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean with them once under similar circumstances. She just said ' we didn't invite you because we didn't think you enjoyed my parents' company, and they had to be there because of xyz'. My parents didn't say a word after that, i think they didn't realize they didn't have a good time until my wife pointed it out!
I too love the grumpy bumps on pickles.....I may have to borrow that - it is a good analogy!!!
My in-laws were passed before I met/married my husband. Quite honestly, back in the day, when I was young, dumb and super self-centered, I thought this was an asset for our relationship. I have come a long, long way from that person - we do not have conflicts on where we spend time/holidays though...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
