The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not happy its more than just unhappiness its unrest. Its every morning not wanting to get out of bed because I have responsibilities to face that should not be just mine. My A is an emotional and physical cripple that just cannot handle any type of responsibility. He is physically unable to get himself a drink of water, a bowl of ice cream. I try to get up earlier so that I have some alone time to think and reflect. He texts me from the bedroom that he misses me. I hear his crutches tick tick on the kitchen floor and all I can think is what is it that he is going to need now? The nonsensical adolescent thought process that he strings into sentences to somehow deflect that I am the problem is infuriating. I don't even listen half the time to what hes saying and that gives him more fuel to throw at me that I am some shallow selfish negative individual. Apparently now I don't give positive reinforcement. I am not his mother. I am not going to give you a treat for finally making a phone call that is your responsibility and you have been neglecting for the past 6 months. He does not want to be reminded that his disease has progressed and he has harmed everyone in this house. I am supposed to spare him of the ramifications by discreetly putting them out of his sight. I am living in the past by not doing so. I have all "them" in a file folder in the corner of my desk marked "issues" Its not like I have them marked "Because of alcohol" What am I supposed to do with the R2D2 air conditioning unit that I had to buy because he neglected to service the central air unit and it blew up. Where am I supposed to put it so that he doesn't have to see it? How is that my fault? There is absolutely zero money in the joint checking account. Again, it is a reminder to him that he screwed up. I am not sure what the expectation is here and when I suggested I put a nickel in there because that is about half of what is left over from his screw up I am beating him up. Yesterday when he announced to the waiting room and the billing person in the doctors office that his accident happened in "the driveway" and she wanted to then bill the homeowners and I laughed out loud and said no, wrong driveway I made him look bad because I did not back up his story. To him it was just semantics. How is the parking lot of the strip club even close to the driveway? OMG I embarrassed him because I would not take the IOP provider excuse for not providing a service but yet wanted paid for it and would make it up at the end. Well, what if he doesn't make it to the end? His response was just give them the check um no that is fraudulent billing and I work for the very insurance company that is paying for all of this. therefore I did not give him the respect to handle it himself. Well, the answer is not just giving money we don't have or committing fraud to my employer.
I am tired and I just don't want to do this anymore. He has diagnosed me with depression and I should take something. Dude, its more than just depression.
I am very sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, I do not have answers, but I will offer words of encouragement. I'm sure they are very little at a time of crisis. Please know, however, that you are not alone and that others here care. Come here and vent anytime and know we will not judge you for anything you say. I wish you a peaceful and calm day.
(Suzann), I remember the feeling. Sitting at the end of the driveway and not wanting to pull up to the house. Looking at the bridge abutments on the highway and wondering if it would hurt too much if I put my car into it at 70mph. I remember too well.
All I can say is keep on taking care of yourself. This is a process. You have come a long way. You have a long way to go, but you ARE going in the right direction. You have AlAnon principles and tools of the program to help you daily.
All the things that he is telling you......
"Shallow selfish negative individual"
"Don't give positive reinforcement"
"living in the past"
"beating him up"
"make him look bad"
"embarrassed him"
"don't respect him"
Keep living in honesty. Don't let him gaslight/manipulate you. That is all part of taking care of yourself. Yes, it is tiring. If you have to give yourself a vacation, then do it. If you have to give him a vacation away from you, then do it. Look for a few minutes/hours/days relief. Think of wearing earrings that say "in/out" for your ears. If he throws you the ball (tries to engage you in an argument), let the ball land on the ground and don't play. Don't play, don't play.
Suzann, I have been there. It is EXHAUSTING. I agree with the suggestion to take vacations. What I learned from my experience was not to try to go it alone. In addition to Alanon tools, is there anyone that can help you with the household responsibilities? There's no shame in asking for help. There is hope.
Your poor reminds me of today's odat. It is more than depression it's alcoholism he's sick your sick I doubt antidepressants can deal with this many have tried it's doubtful counselling or any of the usual stuff can make you better. It's alanon you need. Not just venting her and picking up the odd tool. I mean full force program. Meetings sponsor literature the lot everyday like your life depends on it. X
(((Suzann))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I remember a time when I subconsciously would slow the car as I entered the neighborhood - not wanting to go home and fearful of what was waiting for me. I agree that it was way more than depression. It was the disease - I was not able to find a single thing in my life that brought me joy or peace of mind, including my pets, my children, etc. It was my own stinking thinking and my diseased attitude that held me back from the beauty of the day.
I had no choice but to seek full-on recovery as El-Cee suggests. I could not do one meeting a week and 'consider' using the tools/steps/principles. My disease and stinking thinking also had me considering ending it all as I was so deep in despair and negativity. For me, the answer was in the program. Not lip service, not part-time but a full-time effort to save myself from myself. There is hope and help - choose you.
Keep coming back.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Doing my best I just appreciate the fact that you are here. Betty I wish be he does not qualify for home care. He is perfectly capable of getting from one end of the house to the other on his crutches...its that he cannot have his coffee in front of the tv as he likes. So instead of saying hey, can you carry my coffee cup, he passively aggressively texts me the I miss you to alert me he is awake and if I could be so kind as to get his coffee since he cant use his crutches and carry the cup. It would be different if he actually made the coffee and then asked if I could carry it, he does have a wheelchair too, that he could scoot with his coffee, he could also have his coffee in the kitchen like normal people but I guess it just tastes so much better if I make it and carry it to him so he can watch criminal minds or sports center. I am such a selfish B when I say no. Freetime, my 24 year old not so recovering drug addict son was to come here to help me with the yard and such as he is on house arrest and only allowed to go to work 2 days per week...well that is not working out so well. My son with the Cerebral palsy has a home health aide that is a god send she has been helping with the dishes and the laundry. My 16 year old daughter has her new found freedom with the drivers license, but she does help somewhat. I was honestly thinking of sending him to his mothers for awhile. She is a recovering alcoholic with over 30 years sobriety. She'd whip him in to shape. LOL IAH and elcee I am trying Im finding it difficult to meet all my responsibilities and make it a priority over those responsibilities but I am sick, I think I am sicker than him. Maryjane I find it so mind boggling that he can sit there and say these things its almost comical.
