The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That moment when you realize that you were just manipulated is eye opening. When the dust settles in the drama that is so not nessesary and you see the true function on the interaction is actually quick sickening.
Do you react? Call a person out? Let it go? Of file it in the "I may need to use this later" mental file?
Have you ever been on a rollaecoastsr ride that never ends? I'm sure the ride would be called "the manipulator "
Lots of thinking and reflection tonight...
I learned a rule in Al-Anon that was when I found out I had or was being manipulated I could stop it and any time and reverse it at will letting the manipulator(s) know that I don't participate in that kind of behavior and to make the necessary changes. I ended up loving that rule...YAY!! My sponsor taught me "When you find out you have made a mistake it is up to you to go back and correct it". (((((Crau)))))
Im crap with this one. It strikes me right in the gut. Not just from an alcoholic but us on this side. Really does my head in till I hand it over and keep it out of my living space. Take care.
Hello Crau,
Unfortunately, I found that I too reverted to manipulation, as a result of living with this disease.
I hide my motives, very deep within, was generous, kind, compassionate with a hidden agenda. If I did all these nice things then people would give me________________. I was amazed when i examined my motives when doing the 4 th step. Had any one confronted me about manipulating them I would have honestly denied it.
I handle, what I view as manipulation today gently with courtesy and respect. I detach and make an informed choice as to my actions. Let go and Let God
I love the roller coaster reference. The dang things have always made me a little sick and certainly unsteady on my feet. Knowing that my life has been one coaster ride after another and I could have gotten off at any time is a real eye opener.
I can relate to Jerry's share....my sponsor also suggested that it's my responsibility to clean up my side of the street even when my behavior was acceptable. I am allowed to change my mind - what a concept.....I can also relate to Betty - I thought I was doing 'my job' as a wife and mother and I would move heaven and earth to have things be 'OK'....even if my motives were less that pure and my thinking was distorting reality.
The steps and the program truly helped me be true to me and see things more clearly. We can always pause any drama event and take a break - learned that too - I step away to the bathroom to collect my thoughts with my HP...often and as needed.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like Jerry's response and let them know I don't participate in that behavior. I know I did X with the expectation of getting Y (I'm married and a lot of things I do with the expectation that he will also live up to his end). But if I am unwittingly manipulating someone else, I would like to be told. I live now with the knowledge that everyone has choices and I hope they (and I) make choices wisely.... with the principles of the Golden Rule and the 10 commandments and the laws of our country.
I'm thinking of the 3 A's; awareness, acceptance, and action.
You have the awareness... which is half the battle.
Then comes acceptance. "I'm in a relationship with a (manipulator.)...how do I feel about that? "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems" they say, but that doesn't mean I have to stay in a relationship that feels bad, just means I have to accept them as they are and accept how I feel about it (honesty.)
The action can vary. Revenge seems sweet but my ONLY recovery goal is to please Higher power. so, intentionally plotting to harm anyone is always out.
Al-anon taught me to take care of my primary responsibility...me. Sometimes I have to plan my actions to avoid "reaction," which often harms me and them. I am in difficult relationships too, so planning my actions for taking care of myself is not unlike an olympic skier waiting at the top of the mountain... she sees the course.... and all the obstacles... and in her head.... she plans how she is going to get around them....
The great thing about manipulation is...... once you're aware you're being manipulated, it can't happen.
But what I relate to in your post is my anger at MYSELF for allowing it in the first place. Sometimes I have to learn my lessons over and over.... again and again.... until I get it. This is life.
...and it's okay to be "wobbly" because these al-anon shoes are uncomfortably brand new, we gotta break em in. we'll walk better next time (and there will ALWAYS be a next time because the Universe seems to ENJOY building new character... thank you Great Universe, lol)
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 7th of October 2016 12:53:08 PM
