The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So Monday I told abf that if he wanted to live like a drug addict, he could go live with drug addicts. Hes been gone ever since. He came by my house yesterday while I was at work and took his motorcycle. I did not see where he took any clothes. I feel like a fool for missing him. I had some brand new locks in the house that I was going to install last night. He must have noticed them when he came in the house. Upon inspection, I noticed a small hole in one of the packages where he tried to be sneaky and took a key. I promptly threw that lock away and returned all the others. I bought new sets of a different brand and changed all of the locks last night.
As I was changing the locks, it was all very surreal. I realized his taking a key had made me feel unsafe. I cried and cried. In the 2 1/2 years I have been with this man, he has never ever made me feel unsafe. He has disappointed me. He has frustrated me. He has made me feel many things, but never unsafe. He offered to drive for me when it rained. He fixed any and everything that was broken around the house. He painted the steps when he noticed they were slick so me and the kids wouldn't fall on them when it rained. He has never called me a single name. He has never raised his voice to me. He has never strong-armed me. He has never made me feel unsafe.
I am just devastated. If he comes for his things, and cannot use the key he stole, will he break a window? I never thought things would go like this. I read on the boards yesterday, that when you set clear and firm boundaries, they will tantrum. He is definitely doing that. ive barely spoken to him in 4 days and I fight the urge to call him over and over. I have not done well with that. I don't know what I expect him to say. I want him to get better. I know I am powerless over all of it. I am sad and disappointed today.
Any ESH for setting boundaries? For when they take off for days at a time? For handling this disappointment? Should I be hopeful for his one day recovery? Am I a fool?
((kspec)) I hear you and am sorry that you are going through this difficult time. As you know alcoholism is a progressive chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. We are cautioned to "say what we mean, and examine our motives before taking any action, to be sure we are not trying to manipulate a situation or force our will. If he has left his clothes or other important items at the house, I think it is important to arrange a time he can pick them so you will not be so unsettled. That way you will feel safe from intrusion. Live one day at a time, trust HP pick up program tools and no matter what develops you will be given the courage, and wisdom to face life on life's terms. Positive thoughts on the way
(((kspec))) - I have been where you are and it's such a 'yuck' feeling. Countless times, before Al-Anon, I would worry and wonder when they were coming, etc. Mine did break windows, kick in doors and sneak in many times - to sleep, get their items, etc.
With recovery and working the program, I took back my power. I packed up their things, and put them on the driveway under a tarp. I did what I could do to feel safe in my own home. I set a perfectly clear boundary that if they attempted entrance without notice, I would call the police. The program gave me the courage to clearly state my boundary calmly and with resolve. Each time they came and then had to be removed, I got wiser. The last time, I left everything where it was, suggesting they needed to come and pack it by xx/xx day or it was going to Good Will. I was only willing to pack up one more time - the end.
I did everything I could to distract my thinking brain - meetings, readings, coffee, etc. I struggled to sit at home and wonder if/when they might come by. For me, taking care of me became more important with practice of the suggestions in Al-Anon.
Keep coming back - I too am sending you positive thoughts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I texted him and told him that if he would like to pick up some things tomorrow when I get home from work, to please let me know. I told him I loved him and I hope he gets better. He texted and said he would let me know before he came and that he loves me. He also thanked me. Strange this is the first text ive received from his and in such a timely fashion.
Upon recommendation here on the board, I found and read the merry-go-round named denial. Holy cow. What an eye opener.
Hi Kspec. I'm sorry for everything you are going through. I feel the same conflicted feelings of missing my AH sometimes. I think about good times, the idea of family, my marriage. I begin to miss him and question what I have caused/am doing. I realize when I think of those things, I'm not thinking of how damaging, irresponsible, careless, and ungrateful he has been with those prescious things, with me and my daughter. Maybe it's the alcoholism maybe it's him, not for me to figure out anymore. I'm trying so hard to detach and really think about me and what I am worth and deserve. This helps me to realize I don't miss him because he isn't what I am missing. He is an alcoholic who didn't honor his promises to be my partner. Yes, he has a horrible disease that make his life very hard, but he knows the programs, has the tools, knows his choices. He has the ability to commit to being sober. He's not chosen this. He's chosen to drink, exercise anger, create chaos and disappointment. I don't miss him when I think of this. Hopefully this helps. ((((Hugs))))
