The material presented
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So RAH and I did not have a great day. On the way to IOP day 2 I asked him about the mandatory AA meetings which I know he hates. He came back with well I thought I was doing the faith based meetings. I said well they are only held on Fridays what about the other 3? Ill take you but I was just wondering about times and such He said well I have to talk to them because I hate AA and the only reason why you said youll take me is to be sure I go. (That was a problem before we often found these impromptu AA meetings in strip clubs) Well it ended up in a huge fight and I finally got you know this is what causes me to drink. I wanted to say well how about you just go drink then because obviously you are looking for an excuse....Im so tired of walking on egg shells because I don't want to cause him to drink. Dude, its you not me. Anyway on the way home I popped in my music and my all time favorite song came on...its Christian genre...Mighty to Save I cranked it up and it so helped me surrender to my God these annoying feelings. I still had them creeping in later so I just kept playing it over and over.
Go back to your share about working 1,2, and 3 daily and do that instead of getting in his hair. He is one of the things you are powerless over. Let God have him as in steps 1,2, and 3 and self focus. Standing with you on this. ((((hugs))))
This is the insanity of the disease, the whole parts each person plays, the denial. Have you read 'The Merrygoround called denial'? He doesnt sound ready to stop, hes like a rebellious child who is being forced to do something he doesnt want to do. Hes a grown man, he can drink if he chooses and he can live with the consequences of it. The question for you is can you let him go enough to let the true events play out or are you spending your life trying to control him, its such a waste and we dont get a rerun, lifes short. Maybe all the choices here are yours.
The funny thing is he says he is ready for sobriety. This motorcycle accident with the broken leg was his wake up call according to him. I was trying to explain to him I was merely asking about the AA meetings as he cannot drive and someone has to take him. I do work and I don't think I had any other motive than to try to arrange a plan to get him where he needed to go. All his drinking buddies have vanished, his family is scattered, its pretty much on me. That being said you are right Jerry I have no control of his recovery if there is one. yes elcee he is a child, like I told my friend, its day 2 and he is already trying to change the rules. I did That's why the song was so important to me...the lyrics are take me as you find me, my fears and all my failures I surrender.
I have read the Merry Go Round of Denial - it's pretty good. I think it would really benefit you to read it. If you google it you can read the version for the male alcoholic or if the A in your life is a female you can read the version written for a female A. It's basically a script for a play so it helped me to read the correct version.
(((Fooled))) - I too love the Christian music.....it has so helped me let go and let God for so, so, so many things in my life/days.
I readily admit - your first post in this thread sounds like my world not too long ago. It made perfect sense to me when I was the 'driver' to plan for the commitments required for court, therapist, etc. It made so much sense to me that I walked into these types of landmines over and over again when I was new.
My sponsor suggested that I put my earbuds in while transporting my qualifier(s) to their requested events. She suggested when I wanted to open my mouth to remind them of ANYTHING that I put my earbuds in again. Needless to say, I had my earbuds in attached to my phone for most of my waking hours when I was new and they were in crisis/early recovery. I have listened to a million Christian songs....so it seems.
She taught me to learn to keep my mouth shut and focus on me and listening to them. I had been the caretaker for so, so long for so, so many things that it was a hard habit to break. If they got there, fine. If they didn't, it wasn't my consequence to experience. Because I am a planner, and they aren't, I did impose a boundary that I needed 1 day notice for rides. It works when we work it.....
Love Jerry's simple solution - 1, 2, 3 - can do them all day, every day - what a gift!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Betty Mighty to Save came into my life when I was struggling with 1 2 3 it says everything related to those steps. This is my go to song. Im glad to hear others find it just as powerful. Jojo I will def look that up Sounds like a good read. IAH I can do that with my son, it is so easy, court dates, probation dates, family sessions I used the boundary Thursdays are my work from home day try to schedule for then, if not at least 1 day notice. My husband, I am having such a hard time. Ultimately I know no matter what I do it will be my fault. Today on the way to the dr he was talking about how he had a job interview tomorrow he was looking forward to. (I hadn't read the earplugs thing yet) I sat there thinking to myself how are you going to get to this job interview?, did you ask what my schedule was like? How are you going to do this job as you are non weight bearing for the next 3 week at least? Do you think they are going to hold the job for you because you are the most awesomest loader operator in all the land? But I let him ramble on until he got to if I get this job we will be fine! I said what is fine to you? He said well there is money coming in and causing less stress and I will be able to get back to normal and work. I want to go back to work. I didn't lose it, but I said well that's not fine to me. Yes I have motives for your sobriety. I want it to be 50 50 like I was promised on our wedding day. I don't want to be responsible for everything anymore. To me fine is you no longer being so sick that you believe a paycheck is just going to make it all go away and that you will wake up tomorrow and have 20 years of sobriety under your belt.
I realize sobriety is not my choice to make, I realize I have to give him the respect to make that decision but Im not going to buy into a paycheck is going to make us fine. Talk about a reality check. This line of thinking is just so delusional. Its almost comical.
(((((Fooled))))) I cheer for your grown and hurt at the same time because the disease is grappling for you...don't stop what you are doing and please continue coming here to the family and letting us know how its going for you while listening for how it is going for us also. We will get thru this together...We are family
I agree with Jerry. You are doing great under these circumstances absolutely great. Your here sharing letting it out using the tools. My only wish for you is that you could get to a meeting go get a well deserved real life hug from real bodies that know this. You deserve it.x
You DO KNOW that nothing you do will MAKE him drink? He will drink if the Yankees win. He will drink if the Yankees lose. He will drink if the Yankees don't play. Or he won't drink for those very same reasons. It's not you that is mucking up his life.
It is so hard to look at a grown man and expect a grown man........ and hearing a child.
Keep on taking care of yourself and your schedule.
Its becoming crystal clear. I was just saving both of us the trouble. I was being sarcastic as well. Its always something I did or said that he says made him drink. I gave him money because he said he would never drink on a motorcycle. Well......he lied. He drinks because he's an alcoholic and wants to drink. Its becoming very clear that a crossroads is coming up.
(((Suzann))) - continued prayers and positive thoughts headed your way...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
