This is my first time doing something like this... at this point, I don't even know if it will be worth it.

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. I have been doing everything I can to show him love and support since I discovered he had a problem with alcohol. I spoke with his mother every single day and made her aware of his problem. She has always been the person I would turn to whenever he would get drunk. We started looking for a facility that would be a great match for him back in June. We found a facility down in Florida but the next step was up to him. I had to do all of this behind his back because the topic of alcohol was an extremely sensitive one to him. He would immediately get defensive if he even sensed that I would wanna talk about something that had to do with his drinking. He always told me to never bring up drinking to his mother. His mother has seen how alcoholism and addiction can ruin a person's life. She lost many family members from it... it ran in their family. This was a reason why I knew I had to reach out to her when it was clear to me that my boyfriend needed help.

The people from the facility told us that we needed to do anything it took to get him there. I was under the impression that things would happen completely differently than they have. When he first arrived in treatment, the communication was cut off. This was very hard for me being that I spent every day with him before he left. I felt left out, in the dark because when his mother asked the therapist to reach out to me, she refused. It hurt me because I felt as though I went from being the closest person in his life to the farthest. From the very beginning, the people who worked there would tell me to prepare myself for him to stay there even after treatment is finished... because that's what "most people do." I didn't really listen to this because I felt like it was different for my boyfriend's situation. He has a great family and a loving girlfriend who has been through so much with him, to come home to.

When he left, it was sudden and unexpected. It was the first time that I did not go back to him while he was drinking. He his a binge drinker... not someone who drinks every day. So, he would go months without it but then as soon as he took a sip, it wouldn't stop unless I was there to intervene. This time, I did not intervene. I made the decision to no longer let him treat me this way.

His mother was going to do whatever it took to get him the help he needed, no matter how much it would cost her. So, when he felt like he had lost me, he agreed to get help, his flight was booked and off to Florida he went the next morning. I was overwhelmed with happiness. I knew that our relationship would not work if the one thing wrong with it would never go away.

Since he's been gone, I have gone through a crazy mix of emotions. I'll be okay one day because I am so happy for him. Then, the next day, I will become sad, anxious and angry all at the same time. 

He has mentioned to me several times since he's been there that he wants me to move to Florida. Ohio brings him unhappiness and he can never come back. I understand that this is what he feels is the best thing for him. But, at the same time, I am here in Ohio. It angers me that he expects me to drop everything and move to Florida where he is. I feel like the move was easy for him because everything has pretty much been handed to him. He couldn't drive because of his DUI. He never made rent because he would spend all his money on alcohol the week before it was due. So, it was his mom or I making up for the money that he didn't have to save him from getting kicked out of his apartment. He wasn't in school and only worked at home on his computer, taking surveys. It was as if he expected everything to just be handed to him. He is the smartest person I know, yet never put any effort into finding a real job. Since he left, I have taken care of his apartment, cleaned up his mess from before he left, made sure to get all of his mail, taken his checks on the day rent was due that his mom has paid the past two months, taking care of his cat, moved all of his things out of his apartment and drove an hour and a half away to his parents when he decided he wouldn't be coming back. Now, his mother is taking care of the expenses from early release from his lease and all the damages that have been done from his drinking. I have done nothing but support him throughout his 30 day treatment in the facility even though it was hard being told that I couldn't express certain feelings to my best friend. I did everything I was told.

He recently moved to the sober house. He is doing great and that makes me so happy. But then he brought up me moving there again... and I lost it. I tried my best to acknowledge his feelings but also let him know that I have feelings too and a relationship isn't a one way street. We talked about some of the same things two nights in a row. The first night, I felt better because I was finally able to talk to him. However, he got upset. He immediately got down on himself and all of his insecurities came out. I tried to tell him he took what I said the wrong way, then tried to explain to him that I only was wanting to talk with him, express my feelings finally, and ALSO hear his. I love him, I care how he feels. But, I also need to know that my feelings also matter. I told him that I feel like he has certain expectations of me. Since he refuses to ever come to Ohio again, I have to be the one who spends my money to visit him, I have to be the one who drops everything and moves to him. He tells me to talk to someone and go to meetings. That is okay with me... I will do that and I have but it also bothers me that he makes it out to be an expectation. I expressed this to him. I took it as I am not open to going to meetings...So today, he told me that he's been talking to his therapist about our conversations and it was recommended to him that he breaks up with me because I am being a distraction... since just the past two days I brought up a little bit of how I feel, for once. 

I feel guilty because he took everything I was saying as being selfish and not supporting him when that's all I've been doing. As much as I tried to say things the "right" way, I feel like he was taking everything I was wanting to talk to him about, the wrong way. I have stayed with him through everything and it hurts me that he can let go of me that easily. It makes me wish that I never expressed my feelings. I only wanted to talk to my best friend again, who I hadn't been able to talk to for 30 days. I didn't want to hurt him and make him feel like I wasn't being supportive... I feel so selfish now for trying to open up to him about how I feel about all of this. I feel terrible that I pushed him to the point, just after two conversations, of breaking up with me.

He told me that he will always love me and this will be hard for him too. He said I needed to talk to someone, go to meetings... both of us need to work on our own happiness right now and not be together.. he said maybe one day it will work out. He told me that he trusts his therapist and this is what they recommended. None of this makes sense to me when he breaks up with me just like that. My main fear of him going there and being so far away was him breaking up with me. He knew that... because that was what he would do when he drank... do his best to hurt me, try to push me away and break up with me. But, I never gave up on him because I loved him and I knew he loved me and that was just the alcohol and all the problems that go along with it talking. So, now that it's happened, I feel so angry. His main fear was losing me. Right before he left, he bawled his eyes out, terrified of losing me. I had to convince him that this was for the best and not to worry about me because we will get through this.. I assured him I would be here until the end. I told him he has to do this for himself (Even though I was still terrified of the same thing... to lose him).

I did everything I could to get him there. How does he expect me to be happy now when the thing I was scared of the most has happened... I have stuck by him through so much and continued to do so much for him.. and now just because he feels as though I'm being selfish (for once), that's interfering with his treatment and he has to end our relationship. Sorry for the rant, I guess I'm just so upset and sad at this point, that I wish I just kept my feelings to myself...