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After a pretty awful couple of months (years?) My husband has finally gone into rehab. He will be there for a month at least. I am so happy that he is finally sorting out his problem. The trouble is, things have been pretty horrible for me for a while now. I have learnt to detach from him and get on with my own life. I'm angry at him. I no longer want to live the life of an addicts wife. I want something better for my children too. The question is, how on earth to I tell him I don't want him to come home? He has a hard job of facing up to his addiction and staying clean and sober. I want to be supportive but not at the cost of my and my children's happiness. I feel trapped by his addictions and not wanting to mess up his recovery. But I cant live like this any more, can I?
Welcome The wife, I hear you. Good news you no longer have to live like this. It is great that Hubby has entered a treatment program , I would like to suggest that you search out alanon recovery for yourself.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with the insanity of the disease. We understand as few athers can. We know the disease of alcoholism, have lived it and understand that it is a chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless.
Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages, Here I broke the isolation of living with the disease and developed new tools to live by.
You are worth it so please try to attend, It is suggeted that we make no maor chnges in our lives for the first 6 months so we can develop new tools to view our situation and make healthy decisions Please keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
Welcome to MIP wife - glad you found us and glad that you shared with us. Glad to hear your journey here begins with him seeking help....now - I suggest you work on you. I totally understand the not wanting 'it' all back in the home. What helped me come to my own truth was working on me and getting active in my own recovery through Al-Anon. We work the same steps they do, with the hope of finding ourselves, our strength, our truth and our sanity/serenity.
The best gift of recovery is looking at life one day at a time. So, just for today, try to be gentle with you and your kids and not worry about the past or the future. Just for today, do something special just for you that you've not done for a long while - take a walk, buy a book, read a book, bubble bath, etc. The road to recovery for most of us who love or have lived with this disease usually begins with realizing we are exhausted and overwhelmed because we've been giving more of our selves to others than to us. We work to change that up and put our own needs first.
See if there are local meetings, and try to get to some. Al-Anon changed my life, my thinking and gave me back my self, joy and peace of mind. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I found that my anger came to the surface a lot more once my husband started on the road to recovery - I think it had something to do with my taking the focus of his needs and finally feeling my feelings - which, although uncomfortable, is a really good thing!
I agree with Iamhere about using this time to indulge in treats for you. We are all affected by having alcoholism in our homes, however much we detach, and I found that learning to put my own needs first and indulge in some fun for once helped me to speak more clearly, and often more kindly, to others.
You mention feeling trapped by someone else's addictions, and I understand that feeling. I found that it was my own concerns about doing the right thing, wanting to be liked etc that actually kept me trapped. Once I acknowledged that I had choices and started to think about what it was that I wanted, rather than didn't want, I was able to get on with doing those things without having to end my marriage.
I decided that I didn't have to be supportive, my husband's recovery was, and is, up to him!
My best job at the time, and it might well turn out to be the most supportive thing I did, was to gift myself, and perhaps in your case your children as well, a bit of time (I think that I gave myself three months) during which I would worry about the least number of things, make no decisions of any kind apart from flavours of ice cream or which lovely place to visit next, and certainly no solving of any problems, unless they were absolutely urgent of course. I used my husband's early recovery as a holiday period for my soul. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time and I delighted in learning to take the least possible responsibility for anything!!
Regardless of what our husbands do, we don't have to live in chains, or turmoil or crisis. I hope you will find some Al Anon face to face meetings to support you. It ain't easy, but it's worth it!
The answers to the question Now What for me were and still are endless and I love the "choices" question...Now what. Regarding the disease? Find the meetings where we gather to share our Experience, Strength and Hope and look for the Literature. How Al-Anon works, So you love an Alcoholic, etc. etc. (endless). Go to a movie or go visit some friends. Get a book, go to Mikey Dees and have a burger...Do something other than obsess about "the problem" remember the meetings and the times cause you are going to want to come back to the group. Miracles in Progress is 24/7 so always hang around the family while you are learning to get your feet under you again and your head on straight. These are just a simple few directions I got and followed when I first got into the program and then my alcoholic/addict wife got into recovery and we both came out okay. Thank you Al-Anon and thank you God. ((((hugs))))
What are you going to do? You are going to indulge yourself and the kids with whatever you want. You don't have to explain it to anyone else. You won't have to come home to chaos. You can just have fun because that is what you want!!! Please don't think you have to feel guilty for having YOUR time. He is gone doing his thing and now you get to do fun stuff. Your responsibility for him is over. Now his "group" is responsible for him and you can wash your hands of it.
As far as "do I stay or do I leave?" Give it time. Don't waste your time right now worrying about it. Don't try to make a decision right now. Of course, you don't want any more of it, but for a few days, anyway, just remember how to have fun and laugh again and enjoy your kids and see them laugh again. Find joy!
Come to us next week and say "I'm ready to start thinking about what to do in 3 weeks when he has to come home and we don't want him home." For now, have fun!
I agree with what some others have said, go have fun, indulge and spent some quality time with your kids. Breath the air and reap the benefits of living in a less chaotic household. When I came to Al-Anon my AH wasn't sober yet. I definitely thought I wanted him out of the house and wanted a divorce. I was worried about if he would get sober, then worried if he would stay sober. The program helped me focus on myself and see how sick I really was because of this disease. I was also so so angry with my husband. Even more so when he got sober. I think it was all the years of being in denial and then just pushing my feelings down that when I came into the program I finally had to face and feel my feelings. I do like that Al-Anon advises that you don't make any big decisions for at least 6 months. I think it is important to learn about the disease and face your feelings first. Get use to the new normal. I will say my marriage got much better after the first 6 months and it continues to grow stronger. We are having our 10 year anniversary this Friday and if you had asked me a year and a half ago I would have told you I didn't want to have anything to do with my AH anymore. I hope this ESH helps and sending you and your family positive thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself.
