My husband will not go to AA, he doesn't believe in that, and denies he has a drinking problem. I don't know if he has accepted that his drinking is causing problem in our relationship. At least I admit that it does in me and in our relationship, that is coming from my perception. We have openly discussed about it and have told him that what he wants to do with the problem as I perceive it is up to him and the same goes for me too. He is responsible for himself and so am I when it comes to the drinking issue. I continue to come on this board because I learn a lot about the nature of "alcoholism" and how others are coping with it. For that I am truly grateful because if I have not found Al-anon (at least virtually for we have none in my country), IDK...
I hope we will continue to learn and understand what we are facing.
I hope you will not take this negatively, I just want to share my insight, as they take what you like and leave the rest. It may be part of the ego or whatever why we wanted to be acknowledged for our actions or good deeds but come to think of it why? We can just keep that to ourselves if we believe it is due to us and be happy with the result of what we've done, after all there is a Higher Power (to me is God) to whom all this acknowledgements and credits properly belong.
Keep coming back! I hope you'll find peace and serenity. (((Hugs)))

Aerin - I am going to put my AA hat on for a minute.....when one comes through the doors, they (like us in Al-Anon) are full of fear and just not sure what to expect. In AA, we NEVER discuss or tell a new member that they can never drink again. We don't work it that way - it's One Day at a Time. If an alcoholic goes one day, it's considered a miracle. That's just the way the program works - both sides...One Day at a Time.

AA does typically do step meetings for new members. They go around the room and share ESH (just like Al-Anon). The new person can share if they want and they get phone numbers, just like Al-Anon. Also, just like our side, there is literature and suggestions of returning to a meeting each day (90 in 90) and also a sponsor.

Where AA (here) differs from Al-Anon, they do allow cross-talk. We actually encourage it, with the intent to take any issue/problem/other that's affecting sobriety and relate it back to a step, a tradition and/or a principle. My point is it can be extremely overwhelming if a room full of people are encouraging, suggesting and throwing AA principles, slogan, steps and more at you. It's a lot of information coming at you to digest. Keeping in mind that the newcomer is also asked to not drink between meetings.

My point - tons of data flowing at a person who has probably not been 'right-minded' for a while and it's uplifting, stressful and a bit overwhelming. I am going to agree with him that unless you've got an addiction (cigarettes, sugar, food, gambling, drugs, etc.) and have quit for a week or longer, you don't understand. You understand from your perspective - he understands from his. It is very different - in AA, we say over and over and over again that to drink is to die. We don't say that in Al-Anon - a slip in Al-Anon is not deadly; a slip in AA can be.

I am not saying either side has it harder than the other - they are different. Each of you should be on your own journey of recovery and IF discussing it is causing contention, perhaps you both should take it to your sponsors, as the program suggests. In AA, he will be told over and over and over again to remove any obstacle that causes his stress or might trigger him to drink. I've seen people walk out of marriages, as they understand they are not worth anything to anyone, especially themselves if they can not get/stay sober. He will be stark raving mad for at least a year on average, and I have never met an alcoholic who didn't want to learn how to drink socially.....just like most Al-Anoners arrive wanting a solution to fix their A, many A(s) show up wanting to be a 'normal drinker'.

We must always remember that this disease is a disease of thinking. Both sides possess distorted thinking - they are fixated on the substance and we are fixated on them. Neither side is logical, sane or practical. Perhaps his smugness is pride in going a week without alcohol? That's celebrated at meetings. We give chips and coins out for 24 hours because the disease is that powerful. For a long while, just to not drink for an alcoholic is a miracle.

Putting on my Al-Anon hat, I've driven my sons to 10+ treatment center, thousands of meetings, court, lawyers, probation officers, and much more and they not only don't appreciate that (yet), they resent me for being in their business/having to be in their business. They resent me more than most because I interrupted their disease and my expectations often were much more than they could handle. In Al-Anon, I have learned to lower my expectations because we are all different. I am tickled pink when we make it through a day/week/month without police at the door, wrecked cars, hidden drugs in my home, no loss of job, etc. I stay focused on what is good/improved instead of what is not good/working.

If anything, his current style reflects the 'pink cloud' effect. This happens often when one is new and feels better and gets support and thinks it is going to be a 'piece of cake'. Like everything, this too shall pass. I will caution you that in my experience, my oldest child was forever changed by this disease and I now know he will most likely never be who I want him to be or who he was before the disease took hold. He celebrated 5 years sober, and was still a mean, angry, resentful child. Yet, I was grateful because he was alive and this disease can and will kill.

I do recommend you go to meetings and work your own program. If he sticks with it and works his program, he will continue to talk program speak and when one recovers and the other does not, it makes for a larger disconnect than when both were sick from the disease.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest. There are many catch phrases I heard early on that kept me engaged but neutral during times like this. There are many, many readings in C2C on detachment - there is possibly some words of wisdom in checking them out.

Aerin As others have said, this is  his recovery. He spoke his truth. He was very honest about the fact that anything about the disease that he hears from you goes into his head as "nagging" and "you being a know it all."
Anything he hears on his own and absorbs is his recovery because he has accepted it. That is the reason alanon suggests that we stop giving advise and keep the focus on changing the one person we have power over --ourselves.

Great responses everyone. Thank you. Milkwood that is EXACTLY how I feel, I just couldn't word it right. It is weird that I feel this way, I am usually a very supportive person. Defenitely need to work on my side. harder than I thought

(((((Aerin)))))

It is soooo worth it!

PS.  By the way, I mean using some of that supportive generous nature that you have to support you, just for a change.  We are only human, and that's exquisite enough really!!

-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 3rd of October 2016 12:22:44 PM

OMG Maryjane I felt the same thing....is this a***le the real him? Cuz I don't like this guy either! This time in his recovery Im just keeping to my side of the street. Im letting him do his thing. Im working on me. I showed him some on line meetings for AA to do while he is laid up with his leg but beyond that, Im just pretending I am clueless.

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 3rd of October 2016 08:23:58 PM

Maybe view him as a kindergartner bragging about what he learned in school.

Aerin...I know he is a grown ass man, but detach from the insanity and hope over time he just stays sober in AA and grows up. This will free yourself of some anger if you can do it and allow you to take care of yourself and focus on your blessings.

Great thread, thanks everyone.

Writing with my double winner hat on, oh goodness us newly sober alkies are insufferable pains in the neck. We think we know everything and feel it is our duty to bless everyone with the benefit of our amazing knowledge!

Like a bunch of school kids! It does pass as we work our program and start to grow up!

We actually have a saying around here - possibly also stated in other places - working recovery is like growing up in public....I believe humility comes from working the steps, believing in a HP, relying on the HP and finally coming to realize that we are not the center of the universe.

I too can relate to the kid at kindergarten....Great topic and perfect shares - thanks to all!

Again, great advice all. I am new to the AA part. This is his first attempt. He hasn't gotten to 30 days yet.. but obviously it is a goal. It is a bit harder than I expected as I think I was more use to his drinking personality every few days, then this "dry" personality. He said he didn't want to tell me about meetings but now he is trying to give me details, I really do think he is looking for praise from me. I am just nodding and listening. not offering advice, as this way i cannot be blamed for any lapse. In some ways I feel he is distant from me. I guess his mind is occupied with day to day sober. Former A's could probably answer that one.