The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Met up with a few childhood friends recently. They have achieved so much - career, marriage, kids, house etc.
I realised I have achieved nothing I had longed for growing up. Owning my own home, even a small flat or apartment was something I always dreamed of (grew up in alcoholic family and there was little stability - rented homes etc). I never managed to buy a place, just struggling to pay rent.
I spent years trying to heal childhood wounds. Had a lot of therapy since age 18, read self help books, went to meetings etc. Hoped one day I'd have a loving and healthy relationship and maybe a child. However now I've ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic. Its unlikely I'll ever have children.
Chosen career didn't work out either. I think I was too stressed and anxious to cope. Now, I have a part-time job, I can cope but the money is barely enough to live on and alcoholic doesn't earn much.
I dont know where I went wrong. I know other people who grew up in alcoholic families and they have turned out fine. I just feel sad, like I've tried my best but failed.
Hi Emma123, sorry to hear you're feeling so sad and down. I have days like that, too. I think we all do, (all humans, not just al-anony people). I used to compare myself a lot to friends and I thought they had so much more than me -- better jobs, more money, better lives. But in al-anon I've learned to focus more on myself (not always succesfully, but much more than I used to) and to appreciate what I have and my own life. I also know that sometimes people who seem to have it all together really have their own struggles (Brangelina!, also my non-famous neighbors who are in massive debt, my other friends who live in the same house and don't speak but pretend everything is fine -- people have a lot of their own issues). When I get like that, I try to remember to do a gratitude list and that shakes me out of a bit. Anyway, sorry you're having that kind of day. Hope it passes soon.
(((Emma)))) - so sorry you are down. I agree with EIM - I've also had days like that. One thing that helped me that I learned in the program is comparing your insides to other's outsides will always give you the short stick.....others only share/show what they want us to see and so , so many are big on appearances. In recovery, I have found that I would rather have inner peace and genuine joy than boatloads of $$, items, etc. My legacy will not be what I owned or where I worked but rather what I gave and what I valued.
I had to learn that I was enough - exactly how I am and what I am presently. When I found comfort in my own skin through recovery, many of my perceived barriers fell away and I found joy doing a variety of things. You are enough - and you are entitled to be sad.....I believe acceptance and growth come when we take time to feel our feelings and then work on a plan of action for the next steps.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I loved learning not compare my insides with others outsides because we can't know how others suffer or not. A fancy car bought house career doesn't mean a person is happy or fulfilled or serene in any way. I left everything I had built over the years. Left with clothes didn't own a fork. It was truly liberating. Now I don't put much value on the matrial things or the career kind of idea of success. To me these things can be got from a lot of dysfunction and a faulty sense of what happiness is. Power money etc can be real drivers for some and it's never good enough. For me it's all about spirituality and serenity. Being happy and grateful for all I've got just for today. I suggest gratitude lists every day it usually takes me into a positive state of mind.x
((Emma)) I am glad that you had the courage to be honest about your sadness and processed it here .. When I felt the same. my sponsor reminded me that I was still alive and could achieve a great deal . All I needed to do was to to keep showing up, using my tools and trusting H P. I needed to remember that life is long and HP is unlimited power.
Work the Steps, trust HP and keep on keeping on Dreams do come true
I stopped doing Facebook years ago partly because its a comparison environment. I don't know yet at 34 if or when we learn to totally accept ourselves as we are in this moment but I do know I've gotten better at it with both time and the 12 steps of alanon. Its such a funny world we inhabit socially in the west and aspiring west. We are taught to hold on to all that is impermanent, taught to believe life will be linear, and to expect as a matter of right reproductive control. Then when real life happens- and it does happen to each and every one of us- we are at a loss. As if we have failed. We are not failing. We are living life on life's terms. Its beautiful keep coming back.
I rarely compare myself to others. I don't do social media. Meeting people from childhood reminded me of the hopes I had, none of which I achieved. Managed to finished university but had too many issues to last long in any job. Feel like I never reached my potential.
I live in a small bedsit, with my alcoholic. Its not easy.
I stopped doing Facebook years ago partly because its a comparison environment. I don't know yet at 34 if or when we learn to totally accept ourselves as we are in this moment but I do know I've gotten better at it with both time and the 12 steps of alanon. Its such a funny world we inhabit socially in the west and aspiring west. We are taught to hold on to all that is impermanent, taught to believe life will be linear, and to expect as a matter of right reproductive control. Then when real life happens- and it does happen to each and every one of us- we are at a loss. As if we have failed. We are not failing. We are living life on life's terms. Its beautiful keep coming back.
I refer to Facebook as Facadebook. Peoples lives on FB are always so grand and they are so succesful and doing so well in life - HA! We all have our issues - some more than others. Nobody's life is perfect. And to feel the need to lie about ones life on social media is not only pathetic but it can cause others to feel like they are failures in their own lives when the fact is that the posters life has issues just like everyone's life has issues. Whenever I read someones post that sounds too good to be true I remind myself to take what they say with a grain of salt and know that somewhere in their life in some aspect they are struggling with something just like we all are.
I go through phases with facebook. When I am spiritually fit, I enjoy it and love seeing photos and we use it for softball private groups. I go on once per day and scroll around and talk with those I want to. I don't view anyone as presenting false truths intentionally - I apply the same attitude --- imperfect people doing the best they can!
If I am going through a rough patch, I tend to avoid it as it does cause me some crazy-thinking at times. I am also usually not very active there during the winter - no softball to know about!
Do what you can each day to have peace - take a walk, read a book, take a nap, etc. This is the time to be gentle with you and let recovery and it's process unfold. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great
keep coming back.