The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh so very grateful today for the time I have spent thus far honing my al-anon tools and yes, even for the miserable, alcohol soaked, codependent relationship that brought me here in the first place. Every minute of it, as it turns out.
See, this almost 14 year old that I share a house with just becomes more and more vile by the day. And only to me; to everyone else she is Miss Congeniality. (Sound familiar?) It used to upset me; back when she was mostly sweet and sometimes not. I'd turn myself inside out trying to work out where I had gone wrong and what I could do to make it all better.
Now 2 weeks ago she went to her fathers, this time for the entire school holidays. She wanted to; hes turned a corner lately, it seems. Good for him.
I cooked up a huge pot of vegetables the day she left and I've lived on them. That was the extent of my household duties for the next 2 weeks- throw vegetables in a pot every 5 days or so, microwave as needed. I basically sat in my chair and studied and wrote my book and promised the dog I'd walk him later. It was bliss. The best term break I've had in a very, very long time. (Although I may have developed rickets, lol).
Her satanic Majesty messaged me repeatedly during her time away; never "Hi mum" or "How are you or "Guess what interesting thing I did". Instead, every message began with 'I want" and if she didn't get a result immediately, promising that I would provide her with said thing, it was followed by "Oh fine you don't want me to have anything, I hate you" etc. Ridiculous stuff. I told her if she kept it up, she wouldn't like the consequences. So she did keep it up and the night before I was scheduled to go and get her, she sent me a barrage of rude, abusive texts demanding that I get her first thing in the morning because "I HAVE &^*%ING PLANS YOU KNOW". Turned out, so did I and unfortunately I couldn't get her the next day at all. I had a very important date with a sleep-in and some more study/writing. I relished that final day and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because consequences, and self-preservation, and all that. I cant jump through hoops for someone who is abusing me anymore; I just don't have it in me. I guess its a defect my HP saw fit to help me lift off. Yay.
Anyway when I finally did collect her 2 days later, she was vile; I tried to say a bright hello and got a snarl, then as I was trying to text her stepmother back to let her know I'd found her on the platform the kid was already snarling in my ear about why can't I move my ### instead of standing in her way, and then we sat and she tried to make me take things from her bag and put them in mine because hers is too heavy (long standing argument and in short, the answer is no). She ended up trying to force me to put a hat in my bag.
???
???
Now normally when I pick her up from her fathers and she behaves like the anti-christ's evil twin, I get upset and plead and reason and think up a whole lot of stupid codependent reasons for her behaviour that involve "she likes them better than she likes me". Because she used to be my sweet baby and my best buddy, you know? And it was meant to be like that forever? Well I made a decision while she was away. I decided, I don't care if she likes me. I don't care if we're friends. Maybe we will be again and that'll be great but right now she's horrible to interact with and I don't particularly like her so why do I need her to like me? I have decided that now, I can be a parent but not a friend and that's fine because she shouldn't be my whole universe anyway.
So I got up and moved seats, got out my ipod and cranked up the music and I stayed that way the entire 3 hours it took to get home. And it was quite pleasant really; I enjoyed it. I don't mind long train rides a bit as long as I have music and/or a good book. And she was texting me the entire time (I was across the aisle) but I didn't get out my phone and look because, enough. Just enough. When we got home I showed her what ingredients we had in the kitchen, informed her that she could make herself dinner if she was hungry, and I went to bed. At 6pm. That's right, how gansta am I?
Letting her abuse me while I smile and sacrifice endlessly is not teaching her anything good and it sure as hell isnt fun for me. Time for real changes, because it isnt getting better on its own.
And the point to this is, I don't think anything could have prepared me for life with an angry 14 year old quite like 10 years with an alcoholic and years of al-anon. it's been the perfect training really and I'm grateful for it. Without it, who knows how I would be reacting to these changes? Tears, rages, and endless self-blame?
Instead, I'm pretty well prepared, I think. I understand that my anger and even feelings of intense dislike dont make me a bad parent or a bad person, they're just feelings (not facts). I understand that detachment can be the kindest action for everyone involved, and that constantly fixing problems does not in fact fix them. And best of all, I know that small, simple actions like walking away and engaging an ipod (by far my favourite al-anon tool, lol) can melt away some problems far more effectively than hours of wailing and hand wringing and trying.
Thanks all for sharing the journey with me thus far.
(((Everyone)))
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 1st of October 2016 11:29:52 PM
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 2nd of October 2016 05:52:24 PM
Great share Ms.M. Love how you are taking care of yourself without engaging in arguments or manipulation. Knowing that you can maintain your serene place even in the face of the demands of a 14 year old Is fantastic.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and impressed by how you're keeping your cool in the face of an immense amount of provocation.
I remember being that age (and staying emotionally that age for too many years, actually). I had no idea how to handle the turmoil and rage inside me. My parents had been either ice-cold or rageful, so those were the two options I knew about. I had no idea what healthy emotional processing looked like, either on the inside or the outside. I wish my parents had known about it and had given me direction. So maybe that's something to think about as you move forward.
I also had some problems with my parents - some just silly teenage immaturity, some genuine serious issues. I had no idea whatsoever how to process those. My family didn't handle problems. And my parents' idea of dealing with them was to ignore me. I'd shout louder, they'd kind of ignore me with a grin of delight. Move into the other room smiling smugly. Now, that was good for them not escalating - but it didn't get the issues dealt with. And some of them were very serious for me and some were very serious overall. So my long-winded point is that it would have helped me calm down if there had been an actual way of addressing and processing the issues. (Including the fact that sometimes I didn't really understand why I was so angry, and needed some help to identify the problem, which would have started with my seemingly trivial complaints.) What happened was that I shouted to get their attention, and they ignored me, and I grew up feeling invisible and worthless. They would have said, "We would listen to your problems if you had talked in a normal tone of voice." But that was not my experience. My experience was that the family habit was to suppress problems until they couldn't be suppressed any longer, and then to explode. Talking about things in a normal tone of voice just got me ignored and dismissed.
I don't know how or if any of this applies to you. I'm just thinking out loud because some of this brought back memories of my own household. Dealing with a teen is definitely a new territory, isn't it? Take good care of yourself.
Mattie, I've spent the last couple of years focusing entirely on daughter and what she wants/needs. We've been to counselling together and we've tried having weekly meetings to discuss what she wants and needs, and I've done everything in my power to provide her with a loving and nurturing home and relationship. I've delayed everything in my life to support her through her first couple of years in high school; I cancelled all of my classes and stayed home for most of it just because she seemed to need me to be available and it was too hard to chase a career and be there 100% for her as well. I believe i have done the very best I could do. She has been the star of the show for the last 2 years, and she knows I'm there for her no matter what. But it's gone beyond reason; she's just endlessly rude and nasty to me and I've decided, enough now. She needs to understand that treating me like dirt isn't always going to result in me grovelling and trying to find a way to make her be nice. I've tried everything else and my sense now is, this behaviour towards me has just become habit, and a pretty awful one too. So yes, for now, am going to ignore her nasty outbursts because I think that's the right course of action for both of us.
I am just one person and I don't believe I can turn myself inside out any more than I have. I don't believe she is unhappy overall; her friends are all pretty rude to their parents I've found too and I believe it's habit/ really poor peer behaviour. She isn't like this towards anyone else because they wouldn't tolerate it if she was. She's delightful to her father for example, and that's not terribly fair considering.
Anyway I understand what you are saying and appreciate you sharing about your experience but I don't believe this is where she is at. I believe that as i have devoted myself to trying to make life as wonderful as possible for her with no help from anyone else, she has come to the conclusion that my function in life is simply to attend her and take whatever she throws at me. And I definitely need to model something different now because I'm ready to explode!!
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 2nd of October 2016 07:27:04 AM
Ah David, I think I'd quite enjoy another go at teenage years myself. I wasted the first lot obsessing about my various angsty boyfriends. Luckily that's not in my daughter's nature; she's more the obsessed over than the obsessive.
tucker, glad you've found yourself in the right place. It's funny that I first decided I needed to get healthy because i didn't want to model codependent people-pleasing behaviour for my daughter (I so didn't want her to be a doormat like me) and now these are the very tools I need to employ to manage living with her, I didn't see that coming!! I know that when I stand my ground and make sure I take care of me I am not resentful and everything is much easier to manage.
Well I've just booked us tickets to go and see a show together and she is thrilled (I am too actually). It's not easy but it doesn't all have to suck either.
Great share MissM, thanks for your story. It is so helpful for me to hear this type of thing because I'm still working on the concept of boundaries and have no idea what they look like in various situations. Way to stick to yours. It's also interesting in that I think your healthy boundaries will ultimately serve your daughter more than giving her what she immediately wants or tolerating problematic behavior. Even if she may not realize that atm :)
Sounds good to me Mel. Its a horrid age and its not about you. You didnt cause it, cant control it and cant cure it. I like how you have processed it, shes going through that period of intense change from child to adult and its a struggle. I was so glad I had some alanon when my youngest son was 14 and I used it like you are. I stopped taking it personally, stopped people pleasing him and taking the blame for absolutely everything, let go of the guilt and saw my role as a job with a set of clear boundaries. It was my job to say no to lots of things and to not listen to any tantrums, be calm and provide the consequences needed for learning and growth. Full stop. I stopped the pal role, the best buddy role. I became an appropriate parent. Good on you. One more thing, this too shall pass. She will come out of it you will come out of it and my son did and my alanon philospophy to parenting him paid off. Hes pretty independant, works hard, got some issues relating to alcoholism but we have a very good relationship today. Hes 19 now.
Thanks all, it's actually quite nice to let go of the idea that we have to get along and be "best friends" all the time. It means less anger and sadness when it doesn't work!!
She's getting older and things change; resistance is futile lol. I feel positive and it's actually been a pretty peaceful couple of days here, even a few smiles and laughs.
It's really only when we get stuck with an idea of how things are "supposed to be" that we get mired in disappointment and resentment isn't it?
Thanks Mattie. Hope I didn't come across as dismissive; you're right and I did reflect on it. I was pretty much at the end of my tether when I wrote the original post lol.
Yesterday she decided to randomly (but politely) tell me what "cheeses her off" about me and I decided to listen instead of defending and found it made some sense; she hates "pointless obvious questions" and her example was, she walked in, soaking wet from the rain and I asked her "did you get wet". Apparently I ask inane questions all the time. I had to laugh because that would really irritate me as well and I didn't realise I was doing it.
"More listening" is definitely a good tactic to employ alongside "no more taking bs"!!!
Hey MissM you are doing so great with this. I love how you have detached with love from your daughter. Such a hard thing to do with a child. I find it easier to do with a grown adult than a child. And I really do think she will learn some good life lessons from you setting boundaries. My daughter (although a lot younger) can be quite demanding towards me. She blames me for everything (it's your fault you MADE ME MAD). I've been working on this with her too. Not taking responsibility for her behaviour and setting boundaries with her. But still loving her and listening to her. I can only imagine what the teen years have in store for me. When I was a teen I was absolutely horrible with my mom. I used to think she was the most irritating person in the world. Now of course I realize that I took everything out on her because she was the safe one. She wasn't going to abandon me and she was always going to love me. Unlike my emotionally detached father. Keep working your program you are doing great!
Just read your initial post here. Mel, you are such a gifted writer - I've said it before: You should write a book.
Your wisdom, your down-to-earth-ness, your heart shines through your writing.
AND, on top of all that, you are somehow able to put the Alanon principles in words that resonate with me, and break through my denial and resistance to change.
Thank you.
Thanks ladies
KT I wonder often if I get the bulk of her anger because I am "the safe one". It's often a lot worse when she comes back from spending time with her father as well and there are so many ways to interpret that (I tend to assume she finds me lacking) but that's quite possibly the reality and thank you for reminding me of it
Rosemeyer thank you; I find if I don't repeat my al-anon tools often and daily they fall by the wayside and bad habits creep back in so writing them out here serves to remind me. I'm glad I make sense to you, that's very encouraging!
Very grateful to be taking this journey with all of you.
... welcome to the teenage years, Mel... their's, not ours... but rewards at the end... u need to believe that! 
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