The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So things going along calmly in my life. Doing my thing. Enjoying it. AH doing his thing.
I was thinking when all said and done. These last 13 years with a daily active drinker are all down to "what the hell was I thinking?" Me. Not him.
All the lies and craziness on both sides.
At first we are usually full of blame and pointing fingers at the A. Wrong. I am the one who has defective thinking. Who is nuts. And I don't even drink. I have acted this way without the aid of alcohol.
Had big shift and move forward today. Hence above post.
So AH sits up all night drinking, I get up about 6am. Find him where ever he has passed out. We normally have a coffee together and then he goes off to bed. Sleeps till late morning. We are retired so we have no restrictions about needing to get to a job ay a certain time.
Normally he rambles on while we have our coffee. I let it float over my head. Today something clicked in my head. I was happy to make our coffee as usual but instead of bringing to the lounge to drink together. I put his by the bed. Mine in lounge. Said to him where his coffee was. He quietly accepted this and went off to have it. Then went to sleep.
I am at the end of my willingness of being in room with a drunk rambling.
When I 'got' this I was shocked to be honest. I had spent almost 20 yrs having a scapegoat, my A, to blame for everything and i was the good one wasnt I? and my life was miserable all because of him blah blah. 20 yrs with this kind of thinking getting stronger and stronger, wow. When I began to let this go and see that this was all self pity, victim martyr behaviour and I could learn to think differently I was a bit angry with myself and maybe I still am a little even now, after 4 yrs in program. This was my denial, all a lie I believed deeper with every passing year until I felt like a hopeless helpless wreck of a person with no power over my life.
I reached my bottom with this and that alone drove me to Alanon so in a way Im grateful for it. I surrendered all my ideas and beliefs. With that surrender I got a blank canvas and I fed Alanon in and still am and will do my whole life. My thinking, my though processes were based on distorted, disturbed thinking and the world was a dark, scary place.
Today, I was never and will never be anyone's victim. The only victim I will ever be is to my own thinking, and that is what I will constantly work to change. I always had choices, always and I never even knew it, today I know it. My thinking is the changes I work on, like the Serenity Prayer says, 'Grant me the courage to change the things I can' only me, always and forever this is me and my thinking.
Also, I think your progress is brilliant, I get such a thrill reading how others work it and you are working it. Doing whats right for you without trying to change or control another and doing it with compassion and love.
Great awareness and share Calm lady I was also amazed at how my "only" tools of "Denial and Pretend" allowed me to live in such a destructive world with my"rose colored glasses".
I appreciated the fact that HP did not remove the denial tool until I had replaced it with healthy responses learned in alanon meetings. Keep on taking care of yourself .
I'm sorry this has happened to you again. How long was he sober this time? I hope you can find something nice to do for yourself today and enjoy yourself for the beautiful lady that you truly are!
(((Calm Lady))) - love, love, love your post. Like El-Cee, I am so inspired when I get to read another's post and see the miracle of recovery. I recall when I too realized the answers lie within me - not what they are doing, saying, thinking, being, etc. What a gift to be free of the denial and blame/shame game. I now know that when I am troubled by anything around me, the program, tools, myself can all align and get through it - even accept it and be grateful that I am powerless over it.
I am grateful for this program, MIP, and the freedom from having my emotions, actions, thoughts, deeds based on the mood, attitude, actions of another person. I love that keeping the focus on me, my recovery, my needs and my life gives me peace each day. Praying always and often for those still obsessed in this disease and hoping they too find the freedom we get when we let go and let God.
Make it a great day and rejoice in the freedom you have uncovered yet again!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Killer awareness. Careful not to go overboard. So of the defects and dysfuntional patterns were borne from survival instincts, cuz you care, have been trying to keep the family going...not all purely wrong. It's just time to nourish clarity and bring it into balance.
Thank you, El. I do feel serene. Also calm and at peace. Was just working with my sponsor. Pure joy. What a pleasure.
Had busy productive morning. About to get a nice lunch then have my treat of a daily nap. Bliss.
Lol. To put into context, as usual AH up all night drinking! Passed out as usual. I got up to find him in our lounge naked but for underpants with a latex glove on his foot. The fingers sticking like a comb on a cockerels head!! I am giggling away.
He woke as I came in. I enquired why he had the glove on his foot. Apparently some accident during the night. Instead of putting some bandage on it, which we have plenty of. He thought a latex glove a better option. Lol. I just said oh and went off to get a coffee.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Thursday 29th of September 2016 06:27:38 AM
At least his actions while he drinks is causing you and all of us a good laugh!!! That's a positive thing!!! LOL!!! The visual of a rubber glove on his foot is a hoot!
I too got a visual and a giggle.....thanks for sharing!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the giggle