The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH has been gone almost a week now on a bender. I'm glad he is honoring my boundaries by being out. I have to consciously not think..."how can he not want to be here". I know he has a disease and it is controlling him right now. A part of me just can't help but wonder if he's not just a rotten SOB who cares more about himself than anyone else. Then I think, no, alcoholism is a rotten SOB. Then I wonder is it more crazy to blame him for a disease or to let him off the hook by saying it's the disease. Time to take it back to me because clearly that little circle gets me no where. It's my fear of being wrong or fooled or abandoned that causes the circle. What if all of those things happen? I will be okay. I like the idea, HP will reveal more when I am supposed to know. Wow, that takes the pressure off!
It is odd to be suspended in this married to someone who is MIA for an unknown time and possibly forever. Focusing on me and my girlie and everything that is peaceful and good and normal right now is the answer. I don't need to wonder about a future chapter of to be crazy or not to be. Just being here at this moment grateful and peaceful is fine. Turning it over to HP. I never could make choices for my husband but I can for me. I pray for him. Bless them change me.
Sunmustshine I'm really sorry for this stuff that's going on and can so relate. It feels like abandonment because it is. The why's didn't help me, but knowing it wasn't me was also a huge relief, once I came to realise it. Benders suck. Not knowing, imagining, feeling all at the same time and having a wee one. Be gentle with yourself, try to get some sleep and good food. ((Sunmustshine)).
I can relate to this scenario and its an awful feeling. I remember not being able to concentrate on anything for long, this experience of the disease made me so miserable. Im sorry you are going through it. It sounds like you are using your tools and keeping your serenity really well. He does have a disease that is driving him and he is also a selfish sob who cares more about himself which wont be much really. I believe its okay to put this in the list on unacceptable behaviour. The boundary could be for yourself. Is this behaviour something you feel you can tolerate over and over and if its not then it could be you need to make some changes for you. We get what we put up with in a relationship with an alcoholic, if nothing changes then it continues. Im trying to think about what Alanon would tell us to do but in my mind right now Im thinking of all things to teach him a lesson for this kind of crap, locking the door, moving out, which is not alanon, neither is putting up with unacceptable behaviour, I wish I could be of more help to you.
You know on second thoughts, if this was a 'normal' situation you would most likely report a person missing to the police and they would search for him. I would be very tempted to take the proper course of action and even although he is likely to be drunk somewhere and perfectly safe you dont know for sure. If he is found safe and sound he gets to have proper, real normal world consequences of that. i would also state clearly to him that every time he goes missing you will call the police and deal with it properly.
This could come under allowing him the proper consequences of his actions and also you doing the next right thing. It may also allow him the dignity that Alabon talks about and you get to feel not so helpless and at the mercy of this crappy behaviour.
(((SMS)) I have been in the same situation and it is extremely painful. I called his sponsor and therapist and after no word for a few weeks decided he was dead .
What a surprise I had when he walked in , called a rehab and went off to detox. He said he met a fellow from AA who took him to a meeting and put him on a plane home.
HP works in mysterious ways.
The disappearances happened to me so many times. I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really hard. It sounds like you are working your program to the max -- good luck. This too will pass. I remember my thought process of wishing he was dead so I could at least be done and stop worrying -- that realization helped me to recognize how bad things had become for me, my relationship and my mind. It's really, really hard. Good luck.
(((SMS))) - I too can relate to all that you are processing, feeling, thinking, etc. It is exhausting - all the crazy, crazy thinking! I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers that just for today, you can keep working your program and find pockets of peace. Know that you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks so much everyone. All of the kind words are really helpful...just knowing you are all there is awesome. I'm focusing on detaching with love. The with love part is the harder part believe it or not. I go back and forth between wishing him the power to help himself to just being indifferent and adapting to life without him. I think it's the idea of thinking the worst...ie, he'll never help and not come back. I know that's unhealthy but I've been burned so many times being hopeful for him. It's a defense to have low expectations. Protective defense or the sickness we all refer to that we have...I don't know. I just know I can't control it and can't change it. My serenity and that of my daughter is what I can change.
What a great morning to start the day with so much support here. Have a great day.
My first AH was one to take off on benders. Sometimes I would just wait it out at home with my babies. I would worry senselessly and after a few days he would stumble home, broke and coming down off of cocaine or whatever else he had done while he was gone. Sometimes, I would chase him down and try to recover some of his paycheck that he would be out blowing so that I could buy diapers and pay the electric bill. I finally had enough of that crap and kicked him out over 20 years ago. On to second husband who took an early retirement at 52 ten years ago and in the last couple of years has decided to binge drink himself to oblivion. He does it all at home. And to be honest, I don't know that it is any easier. There is no where to go at home to get peace when he is on a bender. I usually have to leave the house and do something away from home to get away from his insanity.
So I totally understand your predicament. And I know it is not an easy one. Life with active alcoholism is horrible.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
