The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Me and my boyfriend are both full time students and work a lot, our lives have been stressful. He has always had problems communicating with people and setting boundaries for himself which I think has made his life even more stressful. Last week I went through my his things and found evidence of heroin use.
That night, I confronted him about it and he said he wasn't using and that he wasn't happy for a long time and was "wondering whether or not we should break up." He left and I don't know where he went. The next day he was home and handed me a list of all the things he didn't like about me and as he handed it to me he said "it's not all correct, but here." I told him I was sorry that he never had the courage to tell me and I would work on these but I had never been told about these problems. We decided to "take a break" while I would live at my sisters for a week and he would then live at his parents house while they were out of town for a week and revisit the conversation after.
I again brought up the drug use and he admitted to me he had been smoking heroin straight for over a month and that he wanted to stop. I asked him if he just wanted to take the break to detox alone and he said that the drugs had nothing to do with our problems. I called his parents and he is at their place, I've been emailing with his mother but she is going on vacation for ten days and leaving him with different family members while he figures it all out.
It is KILLING me because I don't know what to do, and am I just waiting for him to come back and dump me to get away from it all and start fresh? I want to stay positive and put my feelings aside to help him get through this, but I am scared to reach out to him right now. He called me yesterday for the first time and told me he was feeling better finally, but didn't say "I love you" and seemed very distant.
I love him so much, and I want to work together on his underlying issues of what brought him to this point, but I don't know how to express it in an appropriate way to him, and when to do that. I can't sleep or eat and have not been doing my schoolwork. I keep running in circles about what he really feels about me, what has to do with drugs, and how do I give him unconditional love regardless. I plan to attend a meeting this week, but I am an emotional wreck. I don't know what to do, everyone says "take care of yourself." I am unable to deal with the not knowing, but I don't want to confront him while he really needs to just focus on himself.
-- Edited by sdgirl on Thursday 22nd of September 2016 11:26:12 AM
Dear Friend, I am reading in your post that this is "killing you... you are waiting for him... you are scared... you are a wreck..."
I have been in your shoes. I was begging for my own attention because I was becoming ill, too. His disease was taking me down with him.
Believe me when I tell you that you are not powerful enough to save him, love is not enough. Believe me when I tell you that you are starved for your own love today. Get to your local al-Anon meetings as fast as you can, your life is precious too. Sit with others who will understand and take you in their arms and strengthen you, you need that, sweetie.
Talking to him while he is active is wasted breath, like talking to the wall (actually the wall was more receptive, at least it stood still to hear me out.) Set him aside for now, first things first... YOU.
sdgirl - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you have shared. I encourage you to attend Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings. You will learn more about the disease as well as what it does to those who have it. You will also learn how the disease affects those who live with or love an alcoholic. This disease is more powerful than me, you or any of us. There is nothing you can do to help him - he must help himself.
The best support you can give would be to give him space/time to seek recovery. Meanwhile, work on you - attend some meetings to understand more about the disease and how it changes us.
There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Please go to alanon or naranon. Chasing after a heroin addict think you can "help" them or that they are even in any position to make sound choices about "love" and relationships is a recipe for disaster.
You have our sympathies. All of us have been there, many of us still are, and all of us are working through it. We all belong to Al Anon, and the only requirement to belong is having a problem with someone else's drinking - or more broadly addiction. We work a 12-step program. Step 1 is often the hardest, because it takes a big shift in perspective/paradigm. Step 1 is where we admit that we are powerless over the substance. You are just beginning, so you have not yet experienced the power that the addictive substance has over him. All we can do is give you our experiences, in hope that you don't have to go through all the heart-rending experiences that we have had to go through dealing with addiction.
Our first step is to admit to ourselves that we are powerless over alcohol (addictive substance). That, by corollary, we are powerless over the people who are ensnared in the addiction. We can help them, but because addiction turns rational thinking inside out, what one normally thinks of as help often hurts them. Things like giving money to help, helping them break the law (passively or overtly), these are all things that will just empower the addiction to spiral further because now they know they have someone that will bail them out of jail if they get caught, come find them in a bar and take them home if they need a ride etc.
You may very well love him, but he won't be able to reciprocate that love while actively using.
I therefore repeat what everyone said above, that you go to an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting. You will find more people who have been through this - sadly, there are a lot of us. And you will find out more about how addiction works, and how interrelations with addicts works.
