The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's author in One Day at a Time in AlAnon describes a situation where a member, upon hearing about another's difficult situation, supplied the unsolicited opinion: "I just wouldn't put up with it!"
From the perspective of the member in the situation, however, they were not passively "putting up with it". Instead, they were actively working on their own affairs, retraining their urge to get involved in their partner's business or blame them for all of the discord.
Today's Reminder Unless there is a danger of violence or harm, we owe it to ourselves to first consider what we can do to improve our own thoughts and behavior in a relationship. Alcoholism in a loved one, in itself, does not automatically relieve us of our relationship responsibilities, recalling the well-known promise of "...in sickness and in health, for better or for worse..."
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The main point in the reading was a suggestion that we not use alcoholism in another as an excuse for our own unhealthy behavior or relief from our relationship responsibilities.
Alcohol was not the only problem I faced in my relationship, but I thought it was the biggest problem as it was the only one that I could not seem to control. In reality, I only had the illusion of control of the other problems, but trying to control the effects alcohol was the thing that got me to AlAnon and Step one.
At the time, I wanted out of the relationship, would have placed all of the blame on the disease, and some outsiders might even have agreed with me. The reality was that my attitude and behavior was the cause of a great portion of the problems, many of which had nothing to do with alcohol.
AlAnon helped me cool my jets, stop whining about all of the 'horrible' things that were caused by alcohol, and honestly admit the role I played in all of my relationships. I was able to remain in the relationship for several more months as I actively practiced healthier perspectives and practices, and was able to make a healthier choice about where to go from there.
A secondary point is one that is suggested throughout the program: it is not for us to offer advice on what others should do in their personal life, unless there is the threat to safety, or the advice be spiritual and directed back to the program.
It may be tempting to think I know what someone else should do, but seldom do I know all of the facts, what that person is ready for, and what their higher power has planned. As in the case of today's reading, there may be a lesson for them to learn, on their timeline. We work on our stuff, we give them encouragement and let them work out theirs. AlAnon and their higher power have them covered.
Grateful for the program, have a great Monday
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Inspiring words from the ODAT Paul and I appreciate your sharing your own thoughts on the subject.
I love the principle whereby we do not give advice but instead encourage each other to develop new constructive tools to live by. This principle is one that kept me coming back to program and become wiling to get a sponsor and work the Steps The respect that this principle indicates is indeed very powerful .
I must note that my attitude (was mostly internal) and that my thoughts on a situation (although not expressed to others) certainly needed to be changed in order for me to enjoy a non judgmental, serene life Alanon gave me the tools to gradually change my attitudes from being negative, blaming judgmental to being kind, compassionate and loving and for that I will be forever grateful.
Thank you Paul for your service, the daily and your ESH! I don't go to my ODAT often only because my C2C is for bad eyes - the large print!! My eye sight is not what it used to be.
Before recovery, I was a 'problem solver for the ages in my own mind'. I always considered myself smart and if I didn't have the answers, I would research and find the answers. I was one who thought 'knowledge is power'. Well - with recovery and being taught to MMOB (mind my own business) and stay on my side of the street, I had to work to be different. What I discovered is my 'knowledge is power' front was a big source of my disease - so long as I could quote facts about things, offer advice on other things, I didn't have to look at me - what I am about, what I truly want, what my emotional state was, etc. It was so easy to focus outside of me - and was my go to.
I admit when I first arrived, I truly wanted advice and others to tell me what to do and what they thought. After all, someone had to have the answers that I could not find! Instead, I listened intently to those who came before me who shared their own stories and sources of their own serenity and strength. I was inspired that living with this disease and the affects from it were not a death sentence, but rather an opportunity to see my part it it and change what I had control over - me.
I was told to 'hang with the winners' and am always grateful when others listen intently and offer support. Today, I am more at peace because others loved me enough to allow me to walk my own journey without advice, judgement and scorn. I tend to cringe now when I see others give advice as I remember how confused I was and that I really wanted answers NOW! If I'd not been allowed my own journey, my growth wouldn't be as it is and I would probably still be blaming others, or the disease for events/situations.
I too am now and will forever be gateful. The program works when we work it! I love how it works!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
