The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I often post that my improved relationship with my mom is one of the gifts I have recieved from this program but yesterday and today have been horrible.
Last night I invited her to have dinner with us and she made a very hurtful mean comment her old MO that really bothered me so I told her it hurt. To which she told me I couldn't take a joke and stormed off. I let her go and let it be and she asked me to talk about it today. So I agreed. Except she was still angry at me and said more hurtful things and I lashed back. And it got worse.
I can't stop focusing on how hurtful she is how nasty she can be to me etc etc.
I know I need to detach. I am trying to have some compassion as she is someone I feel is very effected by the disease of alcohol and doesn't have many tools and resources. She lashes out when she hurts me because she has diffivulty appologizing to me and perpetuates the chaos. I can understand I've been that way myself. It just hurts that my mom can say such nasty things to me. She's always done it I've just become more sensitive to it as I've tried to change that aspect of myself. On top of that my daughter has been acting out and I've been watching my ah drink wine all afternoon counting drinks even though I hate it. So I stepped out of my pressure cooker of a house for a while to run some errands and escape the chaos. For now I'm taking it one moment at a time. Just breathing as I run errands and enjoy myself a bit in the stores.
Thanks for reading.
Mom steps on my toes and then gets mad when I say OUCH. Happens all the time.
If you are here asking if that behavior is crazy, I will roger that. Alcoholic insanity makes us question the truth. But be sure, my friend, her behavior is crazy. Knowing that mom operates from her own issues and pain (dis-ease) allows me to step aside when she starts throwing grenades my way, rather than pick em up and throw em back. In this way, I don't allow mom's disease to trigger my own.
You are practicing detachment, I applaud you, keep it up!!! Getting quiet and peaceful again is taking very good care of YOU.
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 17th of September 2016 03:36:01 PM
((KT)) My mom was the same I learned early on to not engage and to let go and detach. In saner moments I can address the issue without pointing out her disturving behavior adn it works
My entie family does not know how to say I am sorry, I made a mistake, they all do the same as you describe. I am pleased alanon has given me a softer better way.
Are we all siblings separated at birth?? My mom is 91 and can still push every button I have. Never an apology and feels she can say whatever she wants; but hasnt ever been able to take what she dished out. She has always been ultra- sensitive to any critisism aimed at her. I think I learned all my tiptoeing and feeling - stuffing from her. I frequently apply my prorgan tools in interacting with her. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am a little girl again. We must be gentle with ourselves.
KT, I also found myself counting my AH's beers today. We were at a clambake and I stopped counting when the # was getting up there. He commented that the cups were small. Uh huh. OK. I stopped counting so I could enjoy myself.
The good news is that you were able to detach from hubby and daughter. As far as mom goes, some days you will be able to handle her personality better than others and detach from her as well.
I believe we are......all siblings separated at birth!! I can relate as well. Not only with my mother, but as Betty described - my entire family is very 'proud' and has no idea how to apologize. We are not a super physical group (hugs just started within the last 5-10 years) and saying I love you is almost awkward. However, I've learned to just detach as best I can, be grateful I have a program to detach and give hugs and say I love you - whether they do/are or not. It's kind of funny as I hear I love you from two brothers and my parents each time I talk to them now but have one brother who's still a hold out....of course, we are closest in age and he's never forgiven me for the pain I caused because of my own addiction/alcoholism. That's his choice and he's civil but we've never been able to be as close as I'd like.
One out of five ain't bad though - I'm grateful the others have forgiven me and with practice, I have just decided my mother has her own demons and I can love her in spite of her anger, demons and unloving behaviors. She's 82 and she's not going to change. Her mother became even more mean/grumpy/critical as she aged so I expect my skin is going to need to continue thickening for a few years...
I am sorry KT - I can still at times allow one negative thing affect me longer than desired. My brain still at times goes back to - 'this stinks....now my 'day' is ruined instead of what a bad moment in a day of 24 hours. I magnify bad things in my thinking and usually feel better after doing what you did (vacating the premise and sharing with another who gets it). My hope is you are finding your peace again - knowing that you are not alone!
(((Hugs))) to all my siblings!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree improved relationships with others is a true blessing of Alanon, another is healthy and appropriate boundaries that honour the truth of me. Unacceptable behaviour often cant just be ignored because it just returms over and over until you behave in the appropriate way with action usually and only then will something change. When I tolerate unacceptable behaviour and justify it with any excuse, I often lose some self respect and I can easily get the poor mes on and its all distorted thinking. Not good for me.
When I am accepting unacceptable behaviour from another human being usually there is fear at the back of it. Maybe Im scared to lose the person, maybe im still looking for their approval, whatever the fear is, Im not in control of me I have given my power away to another.
Would you be able to state clearly to your Mother that you wont tolerate her comments and take the action necessary, could be leaving the room, could be leaving her home. You dont have to do it a dramatic way, you know, just a calm clear way that shows you mean what you say. It also doesnt have to be a big declaration of any sort, its not about fixing her or punishing her, so no need for big ultimatums either but just simple physical action, telling her you will talk to her when she feels better and there are no hurtful comments.
In my experience with this comes all sorts of excuses and demands for some sort of explanation for this. No need for a single word of that and in fact will lessen the chance of this working for you, so no JADE. Also dont listen to any boo hoo stories or blame shifting. Your making a simple request, very easy to understand and thats that.
When I learned this tool, it freed me from so much crap, I just dont do it anymore, or not for long, after all I can still enter denial land and not recognise it for a while but when I do this simple technique makes it clear to people what im about and then amazingly I begin to trust myself and I get that magic gift, self esteem then I get strong and i know Im no ones victim in this world.
We seem to have this conditioning that we owe certain people something whether its our Mothers, sons, daughters. We owe ourselves and our own lives more than anyone else.
I still get anxious if i know i am up for a fight with a
Bully even though i have good and strong boundaries
And I usually try to stay in my own hula hoop. I can
get into fear or dread. I was a doormat so i know i
Need to move thru it.
With my mother i just keep my life private and we chat
Now once a week i call her on Sunday. Its been A long
hard battle getting to that point.
It takes time with Strong boundaries and not backing
down and NO is a Complete sentence. Its not the relationship
i want but its much better Than it was. Some people will
never change and you need To accept that.
I realize she lives with you and your family, glad she
Has her own space. Keep up the good work its all a
process that takes time. I never got anywhere positive
With my xah, i found him to be the hardest one
Thanks everyone I truly appreciate your response. Some space from my mom and my ah gave me some peace yesterday. I'm doing my thing today handing things over to HP today!
I gave her more space since she appeared to be quite angry with me. Last night after my meeting I felt very peaceful. I went down to her place and she was sleeping so I just hugged her and told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. Thanks to this program I don't feel the need to explain to her over and over about how she is wrong. I'm glad I told her that her comment hurt. But I really don't need to keep fighting with her. How many more days, months years do I have left with my mom? Am I going to change her? I already know the answer to this so I might as well accept her, set some boundaries and move forward so I can spend whatever time I have left with her in as positive a way as possible.
Thanks to all of you for all your support.
Me too KT - great way to use your tools and find peace for the present. My momma is 82 turning 83 and she's got a failing heart. I totally understand that thinking of 'how much time do I have left....' I do the best I possible can to be a good daughter and know that in spite of who she is, I am grateful she gave me life and love. Even if we are vastly different in who we are and how we love, I know deep down that her intentions are good and she's another who's doing her best.....Just a suggestion - my sponsor had me do an asset list for each person I resented as part of my 4th and 5th step. I am a passionate person and my passion at times comes across very direct. She suggested this my help me remember them in a positive light at times I am troubled. It did help - I now see her as she is.....another imperfect person living in our imperfect world.
I applaud you for your progress - I think family relationships are so hard and there is something even more perplexing about mother/daughter ones. (((Hugs))) - you done really good!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
