The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my SI for over a year now and I didn't really notice his alcohol problems until his mother passed away last October. At that time, he seemed to lose control over his entire world, he lost his job, his apartment, his health went down hill, and we broke up for about a month. He ended up moving in with me and things seemed to be going better for awhile. Then the drinking began. It was bottles of vodka and he would become very angry and say horrible things to everyone that he cared about and cared about him. I gave him an ultimatum, stop drinking or you leave. Again, things were good for a few weeks to a month, then it would start again. He thought I couldn't smell the vodka, but I knew him well enough that I could see it in his eyes and when someone drinks that much, you can tell by their behavior. And the thing was, he was functioning since he was holding down a job. But, things came to a head and he chose drinking so I told him he had to go. For a couple weeks or so, he lived out of nearby motels and then one day, he came by my house and punched in my glass door. He was arrested and an order of protection was placed against him. He is now charged with felonies and may do time in prison because he could not - or would not - make that decision to put down the bottle. It has been a long and difficult road and although I love him, there is not much I can do. He entered rehab for a few months over the summer, but ended up checking himself out and began drinking again. At this time, he is in a local county jail awaiting his trial. In the meantime, I am stressed over the whole thing, as I am being pulled into court as a witness... I feel that he needs mental and addiction rehab more than he needs jail time.
I can relate to your post. I am also in love with an alchoholic man who puts drinking before me and says horrible things to the people closest to him when he gets drunk. You were strong enough to follow through with your ultimatum and I admire you greatly for that. Setting and keeping our boundaries is really important and i am just learning to do that myself.
'although I love him, there is not much I can do ' ...... you're right in saying that . But Al anon is a good place to be because it teaches you how to start putting YOURSELF first and focusing on your own needs . Its a gift to learn that we can control our own precious lives as a starting point. I've started to attend al anon meetings hoping to find some answers and it's a great help.
He probably needs both seeing as he committed crimes and being drunk is no excuse. They bring AA meetings into jails. If an alcoholic gets an easier softer way, it usually doesnt help them.
Welcome to MIP sunshine - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here - but you are not alone and we all understand. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is nothing you can do to help him recover - he has to want it or hit his bottom and choose recovery.
I do suggest you find Al-Anon meetings in your area - there you will find others who understand what you are feeling and thinking as they've been in similar circumstances. You will find folks who support you and listen with an open mind and no judgement....
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help for you with your own recovery. Learning more about the disease, the diseased and how I reacted to both helped me make changes that were better for me. This disease is called a family disease as almost everyone who lives with or loves an A is affected.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I absolutely admire your strength and courage for keeping to your ultimatum and putting you first.
I would agree too that he needs both. The consequences of his actions are jail, but he may also get some additional support through AA. At the end of the day he has to want to help himself; perhaps jail will shock him enough to make him realise he never wants to be back there. Either way, well done for looking after you and putting you first.
You are right too in there's not much you can do; you're already doing what's best for you right now and I think you should continue focusing on you. Try not (I say try, because it's not that easy) to get stressed, take time out for you when you are.
