The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We share our stories with others to help gain perspective. I remember when my friends husband went to treatment and she started telling me what her life was like. I was in shock, she was sharing my story. I remember being envious that her husband got to go to treatment and my ex was causing chaos whereever he cracked open a beer.
I have another friend I want to share my story with. And yet I can't. Or I don't feel like I can, because the one thing she does is pass judgment and deflect. When she talks about her and her husbands nightly routine, I shutter at how similar her life is to mine with my ex. Words like "we never do anything, he got so drunk, too hungover to do anything ". Tonight I wanted to just have her hear me talk, and maybe she would have taken something from it and thus also begin to understand where I'm in my journey.
she thinks that because I'm not with my ex then I shouldn't have to deal
With anything that has to do with him. That since he was out of my life, so was the drama and chaos and emotions. I can't talk about him past, present or future with her. She turned her back on me when I needed her the most, when I told her I thought he had a problem; she told me I was just using it as an excuse to make up for his behaviors. Maybe I did at the time, but I was screaming inside saying "I need help, I'm living with an alcoholic and its making me go crazy".
So tonight I just listened to her when she told me so many things that i could have shared experiences or perspective on. I knew that bringing up my own stories would have caused an interaction with us that I didn't want.
I can't help anyone but myself, I see in her a path of life that may not end well with her husband. My own ex has said-"oh us alcoholics can see each other a mile a way, we just don't see it in ourselves, and he (my friends husband) definitely has a problem. But all I can do is just be here and when she is ready to talk or listen. Here I am, until then-she'll keep me at an arms length away.
and This is why I have Al Anon. I have a team of people that can share in my experiences and I can share mine. I don't have to filter with those that are open with their own journeys. And i like that!
Crau - if the time is ever right to share beyond your comfort circle, you will know. I'm very guarded with my privacy and my life and even more after starting Al-Anon. I had previously thought family and close friends were safe. They were not - and it's not because they were malicious....it's because they just did not understand as people with similar experiences do. My path has changed tons on who I share what with - and my sons reminded me that sharing about them was not right....they should have a right to tell their story if they choose and to whom they choose. I took it in and it made perfect sense to me - I had been talking about their choices and their disease and that was not my right to do so.
So - when I share it's because I feel it will add value or help another. I rarely tell my story, but just suggest they look into recovery. If they appear interested, I might or might not share more - depends on the person and the situation.
(((Hugs))) - I hear you and understand!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
