The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I know I have an issue with pride. I think about the times my AW had inappropriate relationships with a coworker and I think about all of those holiday parties and work events and how others must have been snickering about what they knew that I didn't know. I don't even know if that is true or not.
I think this is a problem with pride. I don't want to be made a fool. Those feelings are not productive. So, how do I fit those feelings in with the principles of Al-Anon?
Also, is there an Al-Anon "bible" or recommended book?
Hi CH
Al anon is a wonderful program that can help with many things including that feeling you describe. Have you been to a face to face Al Anon meeting? That is absolutely the best way to grasp the program and the basis for the program. You can read the literature and you can read posts on here and that will help you to a certain extent but to get the full effects of the program it is best to attend face to face meetings. At those meetings you can borrow and/or purchase literature from the program. When I started I found the book "How Alanon Works" so helpful. Now I have many books and materials. Any literature you choose from Al Anon will be helpful.
In addition to How Alanon Works, (which some meetings even give away free to newcomers ... and public libraries may have it), the daily readers Courage to Change and One Day At A Time in Alanon give program knowledge in small chunks.
Just wanted to add a slogan I've heard, "What others think about me is none of my business. " Honestly a tough one to grasp at first, but worth working on ... it is so freeing.
Great awareness and honesty CH . Remembering that recovery is a process and that we are all human, helped me to be willing to look within and work the Steps. It was pointed out to me that the point of these Steps was to identify what I was doing/ or telling myself, to hurt myself so that I could arrive at the point that i would be willing to let go of the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that was within.
I am so happy... you are willing to look within.... and that is where the power is!!!
doing a happy dance... singing praises to your higher power... dee dee dee... it's gonna be so GOOD, applause! applause!!!
I started with How Al-Anon Works (blue book) and a daily reader (either Courage to Change, or Hope For Today which is written for those affected since childhood)
You probably don't want to read this again... (I know because I once hated it too....) but I did not get anywhere in recovery until I surrendered to face to face meetings. And then, a sponsor put me on the fast track, it was like night and day.
I would also encourage you to go for this reason... your wife is getting involved in the 12 step way of life. If you join her, you will have more in common. The AA way of life, if she stays with it, is amazing, it's like another family. I have seen couples go to meetings together, one to the Al-Anon room and one to the AA room.... and afterwards they'd go out to eat together, sometimes with others in the fellowship. To me, it looked like bliss.
btw, I do not see pride here... but its' too early to guess at your character defects, my friend, you need a sponsor for this. I survived my husband having a secret life too, with all his secret friends enabling him, all of them with their secrets... we have a saying in recovery, "we are only as sick as our secrets." Believe me when I tell you that her behavior is about her and her stuff, her karma, etc. etc. nothing to do with you. She is responsible for her behavior and you are responsible for yours. (Another reason I wanted to learn more and more about healthy behavior and immerse myself in Al-Anon.)
I know how much it hurt to watch her at the parties, my friend, you are very wounded. I applaud you for letting the poison come up, this work is indeed productive.
but we don't want to stay there focusing on it because it causes more suffering and we want to start being kind to ourselves, we have long neglected ourselves. we are infinite choice makers and we want to move forward with kindness, "let it begin with me" is a favorite slogan of mine. So we grab onto a tool, like "Letting Go, Letting God"... maybe starting a god box of your own (some people have used a paper shredder... write down your pain.... and let God have it.... putting it in God's hands because God is bigger and can handle it, alcoholism is too much for most of us. do it every time your brain re-minds you again (((peace)))
I don't know if pride is the best word but being concerned that I appear as a fool is what I am talking about.
One thing about me, I have never liked it that someone knows something negative about me that I don't know or even that they think I don't know. Let's say I accidentally spilled some of my lunch on my shirt. I would tell everyone I met for the rest of the day, "Yes, I know there is a stain on my shirt," because I couldn't handle thinking they thought I was oblivious to it.
My father always told me I cared too much what others think. I do think that is something I can work on here.
As for meeting, I did go to one and I will to more. (They gave me pamphlets but I haven't read through them yet. I'm sure an answer my question about resources is in there.) I did say on my first post that my hearing is not great and that impacted what I could get out of it. I need to find a meeting that is held in a smaller room and in the long run get that particular problem resolved. I feel like I'm much too young to wear a hearing aid (pride again) but since it impacts my life I need to do it. Frankly I could easily get by with just wearing one on certain occasions. But, anyway, getting off topic.
I'll second what everyone else has said -- face-to-face meetings are the best! There you'll find a lot of literature for sale. There are daily readers (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon -- aka ODAT, Courage to Change, and Hope for Today). There are workbooks (Blueprint for Progress and another one) for doing the steps. And there are hardcover books -- 12 Steps/12 Traditions, How Al-Anon Works, and From Survival to Recovery. When I first went to Al-Anon, I went to a meeting a day for weeks (and could only weep, I couldn't say my name for the longest time -- and that was just fine with everyone) and bought every single book and read them cover to cover.
At our meetings, we close after the Serenity Prayer by saying "It works if you work it, so work it you're worth it". People work the program in different ways, but it's through the sharing and being listened to (in the group and from a sponsor) that makes one realize that there are other people out there who have faced similar problems and lived through it -- and found serenity. Some people also work with a sponsor (of the same sex, someone who has worked the steps), some work the steps alone, in step meetings, or with a sponsor or peer, some do service work (setting up at meetings, serving as a group representative), some read literature, some go to events in rehabs (I'm doing that next week for the first time). Some people go to meetings for YEARS and never share, just listen. But really, the miracle comes through the face to face groups -- they're a place where profound recovery can be found. The al-anon opening suggests trying six different groups so you can find ones you like. Good luck -- I hope you will find the encouragement and serenity that is available in al-anon. It's a beautiful, loving program.
Hello CH, your willingness to be honest and open will serve you will in program. I prefer smaller meetings myself as they feel more intimate and i get more from them
As for being concerned with what other think about you , it appears that that may be a trait that many of us need to work on - In fact there is a slogan that reminds us that:"What others think of us in noon of our business. " and to Quit taking it personally", Good work today
CH - I've been reading and rereading this thread trying to 'see' if I felt I had anything to offer! When you posted about the lunch on your shirt, I could relate. For me, it wasn't pride but rather my ego that stood between me and humility (being teachable). I worked very, very hard my whole life to try and be perfect, do perfect, etc. There is nothing wrong with doing a job well or any task - even relationships and parenting. For me, where it crossed over is I would deflate when disappointment happened or things went 'wrong'. Instead of being able to just roll with it (like a bit of lunch on my shirt), it would cause me a bit of shame or remorse and ... countless times, I would sit back and try to figure out where I went wrong.
With this disease, I felt I was perfect and my qualifiers were wrong. Again, it was my ego that kept me from seeing that I played a role in our dynamics. It wasn't that I caused them to drink or use or chat or lie, but I did have expectations of others that were not realistic, based on how I viewed the world and lived my own life. So - it wasn't pride for me but rather my ego that blocked me from my own recovery.
I so agree with Betty - your willingness to look at you and be open with what you are feeling and processing will serve you well. It's very difficult to live with and/or love an alcoholic. Do all that you can to engage with the program and recovery and I believe you will find some peace and relief sooner than many. I was one who allowed my ego to lead me away the first time I was introduced to Al-Anon. I seriously thought still that I could change, fix, cure, etc. my qualifiers. I ended up even more broken that before and full of even more despair and hopelessness.
So hold on as best you can now, be gentle with you and know that you're in the right place and not alone! I think I had huge self-conscious issues as well - I would walk into a meeting suggesting 'we' had arrived when I had a large pimple on my face. I used comedy, sarcasm, deflection and more to turn away any 'eye's often. I look back on it now and realize it's because I had fear that my LTP (less than perfect) person would show through. I have no learned in Al-Anon that we are all imperfect people living in an imperfect world and the best I can do is more than enough for my HP!
Keep coming back! There is always hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
