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I don't know where else to reach out. The last week or two been horrible. My AH is so bad and I am struggling and so are our kids.
My 16 yr old daughter has been struggling with anorexia/ bulimia as well as self mutilation. It all started about 2.5 years ago when I separated from my AH. We found a good dictir that specializes in this and thought she was doing ok. The reality is she is doing worse than ever.
Everyone ( her doctor, my therapist and family), keep telling me I have to get away from AH. He is not physically abusive. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. But most if all he is neglectful. He is either working ( which is not often), drunk or asleep. We have no real family support.
The big issue I have is financial. I don't work. I have been applying for jobs but nothing so far. I am so emotionally destroyed. I hope I get thru today. I know the intake therapist is going to judge me! My AH once again will get off scott free and wallow in his beer while I take the brunt of the problems. It is so lonely and scary. Instead of making me stronger it is killing me.
((Ceelee) I am so very sorry that the situation has developed to such a painful place. I can understand and want you to know that you are not alone. Please know that you are the responsible dedicated parent and that by picking up a powerful alanon suggestion such as:" what others think of if me is none of my business" is a good tool to start with.
Positive thoughts and prayers for your family continue . Please keep coming back and trust the process.
Today's reading in the Courage to Change reminds us that even in the darkest times HP is with us and can work it out.I know HP has done for me what I could not do for myself. So please just keep on keeping on, one day at a time and trust HP .
Really, the best thing you can do for your daughter is get her into that facility. If the intake therapist is a good one, s/he won't judge you and will be pleased that you are seeking help for your daughter. If your daughter is suffering that much, she needs the help of caring professionals (all I got was some fear mongering from my father to start eating again, which isn't healthy). The people in a treatment facility will give her the best care with as much kindness as she needs. I wish I could have had that when I was suffering. Instead I live in fear of my father's wrath if I fell into anorexia again (effective, but not healthy). A bonus effect is that you will get her in a place isolated away from your AH. If you can impart this to the intake therapist, s/he will completely understand and while your AH won't get to face scrutiny from him/her, you will be able to live with the knowledge that you've done something to make your daughter's life a little bit easier in the long run. One source I would look at is Youtube. There are some people who post vlogs about being in treatment centers for eating disorders. You can see how some days they feel so positive about their progress and they report even eating a piece of solid food while other days it's all they can do to even drink an Ensure. It's really scary and even if she hates you for it in the moment, when she's older she will realize that it was you who did something to help her. Not your AH.
Put your oxygen mask on first, dear one. Get quiet and still enough to realize that within you is the intelligence to understand and the power to overcome.
Feeling overwhelmed, life being unmanageable (it comes easily by staring at the long list of problems) is a call from God, like God wanting my attention and I stand at a turning point. I often make a beeline to the park for a long mindful walk. Just let God have me when my back is up against the wall. In quietness... and in confidence... comes strength. First things first, I gotta do my part (((peace)))
My most sincere apologies if you have already gone this route and I am behind the curve. I am wondering if you have consulted a lawyer about separating from your AH and receiving alimony and child support. I know how alive and well alimony can be because I almost had to pay it to my ex-AH! He had several years jobless (not even being a stay-at-home parent, more a sitting-around-and-leaving-it-all-to-me parent) and my lawyer told me that he could have claimed and gotten alimony. The only reason he didn't was that we had a pre-nup that headed that off. So I think of this when I hear people discouraged about the possibility of getting alimony. I know that wouldn't solve all your problems but it might take the pressure off about looking for a job. Sending you hugs in a very stressful situation.
(((Ceelee))) - hugs to you in your time of need. I am sorry that your daughter's illness has gotten worse. I don't know much about her disease but do know, like this one, it can be fatal. I am quite certain you are scared for her, and I remember what that fear of loosing a child felt like. It's the hardest pain I went through and my message to you - I did get through it. Many sleepless nights and tons of uncertainty and my extreme helplessness were part of what got me to Al-Anon in the first place.
When I thought they were doing better so was/did I. When I found out that was not true, they shattered as did I. This too for me was part of my insanity caused by alcoholism and I truly had no where to turn but a God of my understanding and Al-Anon. I was becoming less productive and helpful in my efforts to save my children because I was so beat down by this disease. Try to just focus on today and one thing at a time. You've already been able to survive something many would/could not - living and loving an alcoholic. I agree with Betty - "What others think of me is non of my business" was a very helpful slogan in times of great chaos/shame. Keep doing the next right thing and try to stay present in the here/now.
I can share that we showed up at many treatment centers far less than perfect. Middle of the night, puke all over us, pajamas on me (driving) and partial clothing -- no shoes on the kids....getting your child life threatening help takes priority over what our minds consider normal protocol. When someone is beyond sick and needs immediate attention, none of that is important - what's important is that you love and care enough to be there and take her in.
I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way. You are not alone ever and we're all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Ceellee))) hope you are OK and finding inner strength. Post on here, rant, rave, shout out - we've all been there and experienced the trials and tribulations of life.
Thank you for your kind replies. She will be going to a day program. I'm feeling less anxious. I'm trying to be hopeful. But I'm not sure if we can get thru this unless AH does something to help himself.
I don't think my state offers alimony. I know many people stay in an alcoholic marriage. I just don't know if I can. As I mentioned before I tried kicking him out several times only to bring him back due to being too overwhelmed alone. If money was not an issue I would have left long ago.
The way I describe it is trying to walk with a thorn ( AH) in my foot. It hurts and is nearly impossible. But if I remove the thorn my wound will begin to heal and soon enough I would not only be able to walk but also run!
All this being said I am trying to take it ODAT! If I am meant to leave my marriage I hope my HP will give me some type of sign and the resources to do it.
Ceelee - just for today, take care of you and your daughter. Worrying about separation, divorce, finances, future for me does nothing to assist with the present. If your life is like mine, those big decisions will not be worse off in another 24/48/96/etc. hours. I am glad that you are less anxious. I am still with my AH and Al-Anon gave me the ability to truly let Go and let God.
The program gave me the strength back I needed to better assess the big decisions in life. For my world, emotional decision making did not pan out too well. I too would have left a long time ago if money were not an issue. I have two sons, who both have this disease now and even though my husband was emotionally distant and gone for most of the chaos/insanity imposed by their disease, he added some value in small ways. I had to hold onto that because even the small contribution was needed/appreciated and had he not been able/willing, I'd have been even more sunk in despair.
Prayers continue. ODAT is the best lesson I got from 12 Step recovery as my brain always wants to go backward and blame or forward and project. We're here for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sending you some positive vibes ceelee. Most times all we can do is the right thing. Focus on what we can do not what we can't. I too have stressed about employment, the stress doesn't help, because it becomes utterley overwhelming. I have tended to see the no job thing as a total definition of everything I am, totally utterly negative thoughts. Even with three kids under 4 I felt like a deficient human being and isolated myself, all the negatives of alcoholism and codependency and just general unkindness to myself. Breaking that isolation and doing the next right thing even when it has terrified me with anticipation has been the best change. Keep coming back and take care.
Thank you IAmhere! Just what I needed to hear. Along with everyone elses kind words. I'll say it again because it is worth repeating! I am so glad I found this place and Alanon!
