The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I talked to my AS person to person for the first time tonight and it was very difficult to hear him crying and expressing his hopelessness. Through it all I was able to listen, acknowledge and support him while also reiterating how it was not mine to fix and that only he had the power to do that for himself. Two months ago, I would not have allowed this, because it would be too anxiety producing and unacceptable to me. I would have swooped in and done SOMETHING to change how it was making me feel and definitely how it was making my son feel. I cannot do that anymore. So I had to allow him to sit with every one of his feelings while I, too, had to sit with mine. I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism and people. Thanks for your support group.
(((seahorselady))) - I can relate to your share. It's very, very hard to detach when it's your child. Keep coming back - sending you positive thoughts and prayers....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing. I also learned this too that my control fixing behaviours was about me feeling fear and being uncomfortable. It was wrong and selfish to jump in as if I had the answers he needed. Its hard to let go and detach with love but it is real appropriate love and for me the first time I have truly given my child the love he has needed as opposed to the love I thought he needed.
Thank you for sharing el cee. Its not my natural response to leave things alone. It still feels so foreign to me. Sometimes I just need the reasurrance that what im doing is right and neessary. Thank you
"Its not my natural response to leave things alone. It still feels so foreign to me."
Exactly!! The Al-Anon way is the complete opposite of what I had been conditioned to do all my life. Today, I like to think of the Al-Anon message as my "new operating system" that requires persistent up-loading and if I don't, I will very quickly default back into my "old program."
I have ESH about my son crying to me about his long list of problems, take what you like and leave the rest. With the help of a sponsor, I came to realize that I only assumed he wanted me to fix his problems. It was part of my conditioning, doing what my mother had always done with me, go into quick fix mode because she had to chase away her own discomfort. (I hated when mom couldn't just listen and stop turning into a big fat judging machine, I never feel loved by her when she does this.)
I finally learned that what my son really wants from me is to just listen to him. Today I understand I am not even meant to solve his problems because then he will never come to rely on GOD. I must remember he is not "my" son, he is not "mine." From the Al-Anon tables, I learned that he belongs to God. The belief that I need to solve everything for my son only sets up yet another codependent relationship in my family history, of "you needing me." That system must fail.
My acts of service toward my son today are mostly about persevering in applying Al-Anon ideas for myself, and growing ever closer to my own Higher Power. When my son and I come together, I try to pour out all the love in my heart to him, especially by practicing active listening (I think you can google that, it is a helpful skill.) When I practice active listening, I can respond to him by saying things like, "What was that like for you...? Tell me more about that... and, I have every confidence in you, you can do it...."
My son has learned not to ask me for anything but my ear. It has been a one-day-at-a-time process, changing the system that I, too, participated in for years. When I get off the phone now, I pray for him as his personal angel. I like to visualize wrapping him in a blanket and handing him over with love to the supreme One who has all the power (((peace)))
My Son and I shared the experiences of alcoholism as males; believing we were entitled to do what we wanted when we wanted. My self centered, know it all personality then kept me drinking and taking control until it all fell apart. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know about the disease and about powerlessness over it until I made the doors of Al-Anon and then AA. My son drank and practiced the ism while I was recovering and then came to live with me for a while and after I had learned and practiced in Al-Anon. It could have been more insane if my insistence that I have control found additional power however having a alcoholic son and an alcoholic/addict wife and being in program remained centered in my mind and behaviors. I didn't fight anything or anyone, I just remained in the practices of how and what I was being taught in program. I would have never imagined or believed that "Do nothing" would be the most powerful solution to living within the disease and the addicts. Alcoholism and drug addiction hurts the drinker and user way more than any opposition I could have to it and in those moments even they seek relief from a power greater than them selves.
Once in an AA speaker meeting I hear the speaker relate the Alcoholic's prayer which they would repeat just before getting hurt and just before waking up from a bad drunk..."OH GOD!!". My alcoholic/addict never added my name to that prayer.
"Lord I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as THOU will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory them may bare witness of thy power, thy love and thy way of life....may I do your will always." The 3rd step prayer...(not exactly).
