Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

MVaslovik · Member

Getting free of him

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Martina ...Aloha and I pray for your determination that has brought you out of slavery with the alcoholic, what a horrible story up until the time you started making changes in yourself. I also was horrified to learn it wasn't about them only me. If I didn't change my thoughts, feelings and behaviors I will duplicate them with others. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

MVaslovik · Member

Thank you so very much Jerry! The support is greatly appreciated. I'm not completely free of him yet, it's going to take time, determination, and money but my resolve is set in stone. I cannot allow that man back into my life! I've come to the conclusion that there is no helping him in any way he will not exploit to further his drinking and keep me under his thumb. In the near future the financial leverage he's taken pains to maintain over me will be gone. I do not feel guilty about this at all. His situation is the result of his own choices in life and of his drinking. NOT my problem! I need to do what is in my own best interest, and at this point that means getting him out of my life completely. I know he will come after me relentlessly with everything he has, but I did not just fall off the turnip truck, and I've had to remove toxic people from my life in the past. There are only so many ways he can get at me, and I'll just eliminate those one by one.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear echo's of my own journey there with the understanding that a great deal of my pain went away as I self focused and put my alcoholic/addict wife in my prayers only. Amazingly my Higher Power used my wife's own entry into her own recovery to teach me a deeper understanding of humility. HP works in surprising and mysterious ways at time as I stay open to it. Keep coming back...this works when we work it. (((hugs))) smile

One of the insights I had about Higher Powers was that my alcoholic/addict had unknowingly and against my own will, become my Higher Power...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome MVaslovik I am impressed with your clarity and determination Good work my Friend . We who live or have lived with the insanity of the disease of alcoholism do often require a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program,

I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community in order to obtain the support and understanding that you deserve.
Keep coming back here as well You are not alone.

MVaslovik · Member

The whole reason I ended up with him in the first place was that I was in a horrific situation in rural Alabama, living in abject poverty and beset on all sides by evil and monstrous people. I could not step out of my little 20 ft. trailer without a .45 under my shirt, and I had to draw it twice to keep from being raped. I kept military battle rifles as well along with several thousand rounds of ammuntion and they served me well there.

I did, however, have an internet connection as a lifeline. This man, Doug, came at me out of the blue over that. He had been a high school buddy of my father, and in one of his contacts with my father found out my dad had a daughter in Alabama, and he aggressively pressed my dad for my email address wanting to come after me for a sexual relationship. I made it clear to him that I didn't want such a relationship in email. As things progressed my situation grew progressively worse as the monsters closed in and Doug became the only way out. Trading one monster for a bunch of other monsters I suppose, but he was a more easily managed monster.

By the time I escaped from Alabama I looked like a holocaust survivor, albeit a heavily armed one. It was very very bad there.

When I arrived in Florida he made a play for me instantly, and was instantly rebuffed. (he would not have survived it anyway) As it turned out he needed a caregiver much more than he needed a girlfriend, so that became my role in his household. I filled that role well in the coming years, and it transpired that Doug was an alcoholic with a bad temper when he didn't get what he wanted. He had financial dominance of course and could dictate my life to me until I could find work that paid enough for me to become independent, which was not until a year and a half ago.I still needed to see what my role in his life had really become.

I had to change to get myself out of this. I had to learn to stop being his servant and enabler, and to see him clearly for what he really was, and realize he'd made me his slave. He recently tried to guilt trip me into continuing to enable him saying he'd rescued me from that horrific situation in Alabama, but of course the only reason he did it was in hopes of sex with a younger woman, and that didn't wash with me at all. He was always an alcoholic skirt chasing loser, and lost his marriage because of that. I learned that his own wife set him up for the affair that she divorced him for. Clever girl that one.

Once I had a job making good money at last I finally began to see him for what he really was. He was after me for my money, demanding to know what I made after each shift, demanding money from me, drinking it up and demanding more. He would go into my purse while I was sleeping and steal it. He regarded my money that I worked 18-22 hour shifts for as his money.This while he sat in his chair being waited on hand and foot daily not getting up for anything but to go to his bars!

Once he moved out because I could not be there enough for him everything changed. I finally had a place of my own to myself, and I loved it so very dearly! No more jumping up to serve him and enable him, no more emptying his urine jugs for him, having his coffee in front of him as soon as he was up, no more getting things in his room for him so he didn't have to get out of his chair, no more of him demanding to know every bit of my business and getting nasty with me if I didn't tell him. This was MY space now, that I paid for, and I treasured it! I could at last live as I wanted in my own home. That's when he lost his leverage.

I love the irony that it was all because he harassed me into getting the job I ended up in so he could get drinking money out of me! He made his own bed with that one! The long hours I worked got him out of my home and were totally worth it! I came to be very well regarded in my job and have done very well in it. I have a confidence and self-respect I sorely lacked when I first came to live with him, and now I see him for what he really is. It's time to move on in life without him.

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MVaslovik · Member

Thank you hotrod! I so appreciate the support! I don't have people I can talk to about this at all, which is why I registered on this forum. It's a pretty ugly story few people are up for hearing. I'm a rather self-contained person on the whole, having had to re-invent myself several times over in life, and I keep pretty much to myself but for a couple of friends at work. I'm not sure I could fit into an Al-Anon group at all, groups and I don't mix very well. Long and sad experience in life has shown me that in any group there will always be those looking to use me in quite nasty ways. While this does leave me socially isolated I've arrived at the conclusion that this is the the safest course in what society has become. It's not a nice society anymore, not at all. I've learned to be happy with my own company and be vigilant.

There was a time when I could easily stumble into friendships. That time is many years past. Anymore it's about watching my back and guarding my boundaries.

-- Edited by MVaslovik on Wednesday 14th of September 2016 02:48:34 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do hear you and am sorry that you have endured such pain.

I would like to suggest that you try our on line meetings here. Anonymity is maintained as it is in face to face meetings.

No one will know your last name or where you live or what you do. We meet in order to develop new tools to live by and since we have all been burned in alcoholic relationships we respect each others privacy as we live by the Traditions and principles outlined for each group . You need not speak at the meeting and by simply showing up you will find the help.

We all need the support and understanding of like minded others, so please give the on line meetings a try

MVaslovik · Member

I shall consider it Betty.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great On line meeting schedule

Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunda

Here is the address http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome MVaslovik to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you are on a better path for you! The best thing about Al-Anon is it gave me all the tools I needed to be good to me, detach from the diseased and the disease and the esteem to protect myself in the future. I have a pattern of picking the wrong people in my life and have faith that I can be a better picker today and will be even better tomorrow.

Glad you've started your path to freedom and sorry for the pain you've endured from the disease. Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! This is a great site.

MidnightOwl · Veteran Member

MV thanks for sharing your story and I'm thrilled for this new chapter of your life. It does sounds like you escaped some pretty brutal stuff, so I second a lot of the other replies in terms of finding yourself a local meeting or attending the online meetings. I'd imagine you still have quite a lot to process, even though the major hurdle of getting physical distance is done. Take care of you as best you can :)

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((MVaslovik)))))

I'm so pleased that you have that job and your independence, they are very lucky to have you.

As I read your story I felt such sadness at how the world has tried to treat you and the frightening things that you've had to fight your way out of. But as your story progressed, I felt a growing admiration because it seems to me that step by step, through it all, you keep getting yourself to a better place and you are the one who has taken those steps! I doubt it felt like that on your journey, because none of those folks have treated you well, but your progress and survival is what came to my mind as I read through your story. It sounds like the path is getting clearer - Yay!!!

I'm wishing you peace and safety and arrival in a good place like you deserve, with supportive people around you. It is good to meet you, I hope you will stick around.

((((hugs))))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for sharing your story and I am also impressed with your strength and determination to protect yourself from the effects of this disease. I also think any contact in a way can be enabling. Its a cunning and baffling disease and yes it looks for a way to continue and keep the disease going. You have decided you wont take part in any of it anymore and that's amazing awareness.

I would recommend Alanon for a few reasons. The reasons within you for being with an alcoholic in the first place may be still within you, could be the need to fix, control, give up responsibility for your own life etc and recovery could help you see the motives and remove them to a certain extent. I found out through working on my self that I was affected by alcoholism my whole life and I inevitably unconsciously sought out an alcoholic to play out the role that I was comfortable with and I found it was mainly a very low self esteem and self worth that drove me along with immaturity. To gain awareness of this removed much of the power it had over me and I have built myself up and have self esteem and self worth now through the spiritual recovery program. Best of luck to you.

MVaslovik · Member

Just got up after another 22 hour shift and checked back here. I am so very grateful for the posts of support from all of you! He is still sending me emails and trying to call me, but it doesn't ring through and all he can do is leave voicemails that I delete without listening to them. I just deleted another of his emails without reading it. Right after that I called the electric company and had the power put in my name denying him that leverage over me. Next is the internet connection, and new service in my name will get me a new email address he will not have, and finally a new phone not on his family plan that he will not get the number to.

I am not going to read, or listen to any of his attempts to contact me, they will only be his efforts to manipulate me and get back in here so he can be close to his bars, and be waited on hand and foot, which is all he really cares about. He tried to tell me how very much he cares about me, but I know what it is he really cares about, and it isn't me.

Business is picking up at work with the end of summer and the return of season here and I did very well yesterday, booking over $400 for the day. How deliciously ironic that this is the job he himself harassed me into getting so he could have more drinking money! It's only going to get better from here on and soon he will have no financial leverage over me or any way to contact me. It's been a while since I've had to remove someone toxic from my life, and I'd forgotten how rewarding (and fun) it can be :)

-- Edited by MVaslovik on Friday 16th of September 2016 12:04:41 PM

MVaslovik · Member

el-cee wrote:
I would recommend Alanon for a few reasons. The reasons within you for being with an alcoholic in the first place may be still within you, could be the need to fix, control, give up responsibility for your own life etc and recovery could help you see the motives and remove them to a certain extent. I found out through working on my self that I was affected by alcoholism my whole life and I inevitably unconsciously sought out an alcoholic to play out the role that I was comfortable with and I found it was mainly a very low self esteem and self worth that drove me along with immaturity. To gain awareness of this removed much of the power it had over me and I have built myself up and have self esteem and self worth now through the spiritual recovery program. Best of luck to you.

Hey el-cee,

Thank you for that and there is indeed wisdom in what you say. It makes a great deal of sense but in fact I only came to live with him in the first place because I had nowhere else to go from a desperate situation I most likely would not have survived. Any port in a storm I guess. The first thing he did when I arrived here was hit on me, which got him nowhere, and the second thing was insist on taking me to one of his favorite bars. Oh Gawd! I hate bars! They are the number one place to meet obnoxious and dysfunctional people! While I'm not a teetotaller I cannot even remotely approach his level of drinking, it's just physically impossible for me. If I can get through a second glass that's it.

Al-Anon does have an appeal for me though, because I really have very little social life. I've had to socially isolate myself over the years just to protect myself from the social predators coming after me. Most of those where men, but there were very evil women as well. Back in California they completely destroyed my life with malice I never before thought possible. They came after me again in Texas, Michigan, and Alabama. Then here too. I've had to become a very self-contained person. I'd rather not have to be. It would be so wonderful to have just one good friend I could do things with, share things with, have meaningful and intelligent conversations with. Someone I could actually trust. I've not had that in many years.

If there's anything I'd like help figuring out about myself it's what is it about me that brings the predators after me. Why do they think I'm someone to target-aquire on? They just keep coming after me everywhere I go and I just cannot understand it.

-- Edited by MVaslovik on Friday 16th of September 2016 01:36:56 PM

-- Edited by MVaslovik on Friday 16th of September 2016 01:42:15 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

You say things that i used to say before alanon like evil and predators. For me this is the distorted thinking i suffered from. It put me clearly as a victim of other human beings justifying my thinking by demonising people. Plain and simple people that are flawed and sick yes and can hurt me but this is the freedom for me - because i let them. Unless we are actually tied up, physically trapped, held hostage etc then we have or had choices.
Im not saying we even know we have choices and we can feel held hostage in our own minds and thats what recovery gave me. The amazing knowledge that i had choices and i was never the victim of another human being. I could jump for joy with this awareness because suddenly the world is no longer a dark place with good and bad people i am at the mercy of. I can see the world and the people and accept them for who yhey are without judgement where i sit looking down from on high or looking up from my own pity party. Im an equal. Thats what alanon gave me. Thank God.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene