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So I've been sober for 10 years with the help and guidance of AA. My husband, who didn't drink much, has now started drinking excessively. He just gets so mean when he drinks and wants to pick fights so that he can hit and break things. I realized the last time that he broke the glass in the coffee table, that I needed to not approach when he's drunk. "Do not engage, do not poke the bear" Well he came home tonight drunk immediately got mad about nothing then took off on his motorcycle. It worries me so much him being on a bike drunk, driving drunk etc. I am trying so hard to just let it go and not enable. I left and took a drive, listened to good music and am back home. I think what really ticks me off is that he never even knew I was gone. He just now got home and he's in the basement. My bag is still packed in case I have to cut and run, but for crying out loud, what I went thru to get sober, what I have accomplished I really shouldn't have to put up with this. It just makes me so mad and I can't express it because you don't want to give him a reason to break something again.
Blondie, Kudos on the 10 yrs! Amazing! I just wanted to validate your feelings. For me...just for me, NO WAY did I get sober to deal with an active drunk. My story is I had to leave my alcoholic partner at the time just to have a shot at sobriety and regaining sanity. Others have different stories here...even those also in AA. Anyhow...welcome. Sounds frustrating...beyond frustrating.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 12th of September 2016 07:43:36 PM
thanks, when I was first getting sober he was real good about not drinking, but he's had some bad hits in his life with losing his mom, nephew to overdose, his sister is in prison for man slaughter while drinking. All this you would think would keep you straight, but not him. I know it's self medicating but I'm not sure why he gets so mean. He just can't handle it. thanks for you input, not ready to leave just yet, but the thought has crossed my mind, but we just celebrated 30 year anniversary
My ex had mean switch when drinking that got tripped. I was just a stumbling, over emotional, sloppy mess...pathetic more than mean.
I never saw my ex-A as anything but a drunk so maybe that is significant. It was a 7 year relationship too...not 30 and not married. Sounds more complicated.
It really is, we've got the house, the grandkids, the whole ball of wax, I'm 63 for chrissakes, I shouldn't have to be dealing with this crap. I was hoping to retire in the spring. Now do I wait to see if I'm going to have to work till I die because his income won't be around or is it more important to live alone without being afraid today is the way that he tears up something cause he had too much with his golf buddy. I am being abused, verbally and emotionally I know the signs. I know the right answer, but after this long, this sounds so sick that sometimes I think if something happened and there was no choice maybe that would be better. I am a terrible person
Hey Blondie - welcome to MIP. Glad that you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. I have been sober for 28 years, met and married my AH in recovery. It was great - until it wasn't. He relapsed between Child 1 and Child 2 - about 23-24 years ago. When we met/married, we each had 6+ years sober and I really thought it would be my happy ever after.
He kept his relapse hidden well - traveled 75% of the time for his job and knew better than to drink around me. I suspected but he denied for a few years, and then he got busted. At the time, I thought that betrayal and situation was more than I could take. What came next rocked my world and my core...both our sons ended up with the disease and I fought against it with all that I had. At this point, that was far worse for me to bear, let alone handle and accept.
I've stayed in my marriage. We were married 25 years in April. Our biggest issues always were our children and when they both left the home, we were left looking at each other. Once many moons ago when he was angry, he hurled something across the room at me. I did not say a word - I just walked out the door with my first born and left. No clothes, no plan, didn't care - would not tolerate that....I was able to retrieve things we needed the next day and stayed gone for a week. We talked it out and I set a very clear boundary - it has never happened again. I honestly think his outburst surprised him more than I - I'd been in one abusive relationship with an active alcoholic already.
I understand the mixed finances, home, etc. I will say that I truly thought I was going to have to leave him to find my peace, and start all over. I am no spring chicken - retired (took separation from large corporation) at 39 and battled the disease daily for my boys until they both aged out. But - I found Al-Anon, and honestly can say that my life is way far better than I expected. I am able to detach with love from my AH and my 2 sons. My AH drinks way less and still hides it - but he has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents and triple bypass. So - he knows the alcohol doesn't work well with his condition. I honestly can't tell you how much he drinks because he's not allowed to do it here. My oldest has 2 children now and says he's sober/dry. My youngest is still active but doing better.
We don't give advice but we do share our experience, strength & hope (ESH). I am sorry that he's in turmoil and chaos - this disease is progressive and takes hold like no other - but you know that already with your own recovery. There is no one size fits all solution and I understand the challenge with the living/age situation. I've chosen to try and stick it out and for now it's working. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring but I try to take life one day at a time - just makes it easier!!
Keep coming back - there is help and hope!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Terrible people don't ever worry about being terrible people. Trust me. Keep it in context. This is not what you deserved or expected at 30 years into marriage and 63. At least you are reaching out here.
