I am at the breaking point in my relationship. SO has always had a drinking problem. But he was so nice in the beginning and was more reserved about drinking around me. Then I noticed little things. I have never been a heavy drinker. A glass of wine or bottle of beer or mixed drink is about my limit. And I have one maybe once a month. Even the one drink can make my stomach cramp up a storm sometimes. At two, my head pounds and I am nauseated, whether or not I am intoxicated.

A total aside, I now realize I might be allergic or have an intolerance for the stuff.

Anyway. Since my drinking in the beginning would be reserved for weekends (because getting up and going to work is necessary) and then it was one or two glasses of something. Or rather, a glass and then I'd start in on the second and decide I didn't want it because it'd start to make me nauseous. So the SO would finish my drink. And his six pack. Then he'd start wondering why I'd still have five of a six pack in my fridge that I'd purchased for myself. Or singles of something my brother gave me that *GASP* stayed in the fridge for longer than 12 hours (this is how long it takes him to finish a twelve pack I learned a few weeks ago when I realized I maybe wasn't interested in dealing with his drinking anymore). So he'd ask if he could have one. One would become 2. You see where this goes. On and on until he doesn't even ask anymore. No matter if I tell him I was saving it for when I wanted it (you mean you don't want it right this second because it's in there????) or it was going to be brought to a dinner or party or as payment for pet care (you know it's bad when you have to purchase about 6 six-packs to pay your pet care because he keeps drinking the one that's slated for them), I could get super upset and he'd just say, "I'll replace it." I gave up on that. Because he'd just drink that too.

Then he started getting mean. Most likely because he could sense that his drinking was upsetting. Because once he starts he DOESN'T STOP UNTIL HE IS ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR. (And he talks and punches the air and snaps his fingers in his sleep when he's drunk, but acts like it's my problem that it disturbs my sleep and the only way to make it stop is to make him wake up).

It has been upsetting because he is not only mean to me (because I kept trying forever to get him to stop but then he'd just bug me to the point of breaking down and "loaning" him the money (which he only paid back half the time and would often go over the dollar amount specified by a little), he spends ridiculous amounts of his own and my money on it. The time he spent $15 instead of $8 when he knew money was tight and I was waiting to be paid, I realized that I had to put the moratorium on buying any for him or loaning him the money or whatever. But even that took a couple weeks to sink in. But that was maybe a month ago. I feel stupid that it took me that long to realize that I can't indulge that whim in any way if I want it to stop. He's even been sad a few times because he spent more money than he thought and suddenly can't even afford Taco Bell, let alone important things like his phone bill or therapy or whatever.

And I've tried to make things easy for him. His only responsibility last year was school while I worked (ahem still work) two jobs, went back to school, and paid (still pay) all the bills. But when he'd be in a drunken stupor he'd tell me how the previous summer he was the bread winner because I had been RIFed from a teaching position and was struggling to find a job. Which isn't totally true, because I was still paid salary due to me through the summer and only went a month without pay. But me being depressed is a bigger deal apparently than him trying every excuse to get alcohol. Then being mad when I compare him manipulating me into an enabler being like his father and father's wife. This only makes him mad because even though I've seen his father on a binge and it's scary similar to his binges, he's "nothing like (his) dad." Instead of things being easy, he would drink to the point of being too hungover to go to school, then be depressed about that, miss classes due to embarrassment, drink (because he's "at home and can do what he wants") some more, miss the rest of the week because he's even more embarrassed, then get drunk on the weekend. All while claiming it has no affect on me.

How it affects me:

I once had to follow him into the woods after he'd drunkenly walked to the store to get a bottle of wine (because he thought maybe he could drag me into it, because that makes it acceptable (something a friend had to explain to me)) and then wandered out to a partially frozen pond because he "misses the snow". I stayed up till 3 that morning making sure he didn't die in the woods and then having to listen to him prattle on about snow for an hour.

Once I had to stay late at work. Which he knew. So he decided he could get a drink at his job. (according to his co-workers he was black-out wasted). I called him when I was done, heard that drunk voice (which he totally absolutely doesn't have so stop lying about it), and went on high alert. It takes 45 minutes to drive from where I had been working to where he had been working. He apparently got off the phone with me. Had a couple more shots. Then hailed a cab. Then told me I was three hours late once I showed up at home since no one at his job knew where he was (this had been where I was supposed to get him; also he had no phone at the time). He said the clock on my phone was wrong. The time stamp on my call to him was wrong. And I was a liar (common trend, I am ALWAYS a liar apparently). This was a fight that went on for an hour. Then he found the two beers I'd been saving and had those.

He drunkenly made me stay up with him until 4 one night to brew beer.

His favorite thing is to accuse me of not spending enough time with him and make me sit downstairs watching Beyoncé videos with him. And Macklemore. And Adele. And Daft Punk. And watch him cry and be all emotional about the videos. Then he'd try to get me to start naming videos. (It's usually an hour or two after I should go to bed when this one happens, because he WON'T LET ME GO TO BED, LIKE, EVER WHEN HE'S DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!) When I refuse and go upstairs to try to go to bed, he turns on anything that could have a heavy bass line (which he knows nauseates me and hurts my ears) and turns up his speakers as loud as possible because he knows this will make me come back downstairs to tell him to be quiet and let me sleep. (you're being a b**** and you don't actually care about going to sleep). This goes on until he finally has consumed enough alcohol to fall asleep.

He once woke me up because I had "totally" hidden his wallet so show him where it is. I eventually had to get out of bed and show him anyplace I'd think to hide something before he believed I hadn't hidden it. I had hidden my wallet and my keys (because he was trying to get me to let him drive to the store). So to get him to leave me alone, I had to drive him to the store and buy him junk food. His wallet had fallen under the bed. This is one of the few times he's apologized for anything, and then it was for accusing me of hiding his wallet.

One day I was driving home from my parents' house after attending a craft fair or getting a haircut or something, I called him once I got into town to see if we needed anything besides bread. He of course sounded drunk. I was on high panic because his sister had called me. I get home and the apartment smells of booze and although probably not actually littered with it, seemed littered with it. I was livid because we had had plans to play a video game or go to a movie or something. So I went upstairs not even wanting to deal with it. So he immediately followed me into the bedroom saying I went upstairs to manipulate him to follow me upstairs (normal people go upstairs to get away from people just to get away from people... no ulterior motives...) I felt like I needed to call his sister. So I said, "I'm going for a walk." And he forced himself onto my walk. But wouldn't stop being a jerk about everything. Was trying to get me to psychoanalyze plants and such. When that happened, I just kept walking and when he didn't follow, I breathed a sigh of relief and called his sister. Who apparently knew he used to be kind of bad, but didn't know he'd ever been this bad. I eventually walked back, to find him standing at the door, having left his keys inside. He said I had been inside the whole time. He threw a wreath I had made that was on the door across the parking lot. He said I was a liar about calling his sister. Showing a time and date stamp didn't help. I started recording what he was saying. Then I deleted everything out of fear. The next day he apologized and said he'd been kicked out of school and handled the news wrong and would finally get the help I had been wanting him to get for months.

He went to maybe 3 therapy sessions and decided anxiety drugs were totally all he needed.

Anxiety drugs make him get drunk quicker and go completely crazy. On anxiety drugs, he forgets what he's had to drink. He sometimes lies about drinking, especially while drunk. He dragged me to a storm shelter during a downpour because the weather service had no idea what they were talking about when there wasn't even a tornado watch. (He will not apologize for dragging me from my calculus homework because he still thinks he was saving my life or whatever). He "hides" Four Loco from me (for some reason this is his new go-to) by saying it's anybody else's (usually the neighbor). He gets upset that I want nothing to do with him while he's drinking, but I'm too afraid to leave the house and go to my safehouse out of fear of the repercussions. He once borrowed my car without asking (he hasn't paid off his fines for a DUI and thus has no license). He called a whole bunch of people seeing if anyone wanted to hang out (very loudly talking on the phone) and then realized it was annoying to me so then just pretended to talk on the phone.

The list could go on...

A few weeks ago I called my mom after a bad episode, completely at a loss of what to do. She hadn't realized it had gotten this bad. She told me to give my position and then let him know that it's his last chance or that I can't deal with it much longer or whatever.

So within two weeks he's on a binge again (see talking on the phone to annoy me and then the next night dragging me to the storm shelter and just bugging me incessantly while I try to do homework. Oh, and making me sleep on the floor because "the bed is for winners and people who are right", the cats know who feeds them and scoops their litter and buys them toys and generally engages with them, they slept on the floor with me). The first night, I found solace and sleep by texting my mom for a while (which talking to my mom about all this apparently is breaking his trust, because my mom is apparently as controlling and manipulative as I apparently am).

Now we get to the horrible part. The following night he is super apologetic, has finally gone back to the therapist, and promises to be sober because he realizes it's the only way to be with me. Then he admits that, at least the previous night with the storm shelter thing, but only a couple of the other times, his drinking actually affects me too. Problem is, I'd made up my mind two nights prior that he needed to go. And my parents and safehouse person agree. But now he is saying that it's just like me to run away now that he is trying to get help and be unsupportive of him and he'd feel no heartbreak if my reasoning was that he's been so awful to me blah blah blah. Truth of the matter is, he is generally pretty nice when sober. But I can't disassociate the drunk version from the sober version anymore. Plus, I don't trust him. He's promised so many times to get help or limit his drinking or be sober or work on himself or be proactive in his life or any number of things. And with the drinking ones, his track record is poor, keeping 0 promises. The other things he gets around to anywhere from 6 weeks to a year to get around to actually doing. But he says I'm a liar and manipulative and controlling and emotionally abusive but he loves me anyway because he knows I just need therapy to get rid of that stuff and oh look at him getting help now

And I do feel bad, because he says he is going to be sober and get help. But, I don't know that I can reconcile all the bad. I've been reading, and I guess guilt is normal. But, am I doing the right thing? He's been working hard(ish) to get back in school. He has two decent jobs. He has actually listened (supposedly) to what a therapist has to say for once. And I just can't help but feel like a jerk for wanting him gone and thinking more about how to keep the cat that he thinks is his (it came from a litter from my best friend's mom who offered it to me) because he's the one that wanted a kitten and he needs a buddy; I keep thinking more about that than about how kicking him out affects him.

I'm thinking about how my parents will take over his half of the rent so I can have some money set aside for when I transfer from community college to a 4 year school to complete my second bachelor's.

I keep thinking how much easier the move to a new state would be (because all states are supposedly terrible compared to his home state, especially when he's drunk).

I keep thinking how not attracted to him I am because I keep seeing the drunk version of him. I keep thinking just how totally put off of alcohol (last drink I had I maybe drank 1/16 of it because the concept of drinking just felt gross to me; reading about booze or seeing TV ads for booze annoys me so much; seeing people say to others "all you need is wine and it will be better" seems so illogical and obviously perpetuates stuff like this) I am after having dealt with this crap for 2 years.

I felt totally annoyed a get-together with his family (where they started drinking at two and were still drinking at 11 when we left and I think all had at least 2 beers an hour) and they assumed I wasn't even drinking the girly daiquiris because I was pregnant as this is apparently the only reason anyone wouldn't be drinking in their eyes. And he said it was totally okay and normal for his family to just drink and drink and drink all day long because they weren't hurting anything (except that a 50 year old friend of the family was hitting on me and touching me. NOT OKAY!!!!) and the only thing wrong in the entire situation was that his 18 year old sister was upset about his 15 year old sister finishing her watermelon vodka (but if they had been drinking like a beer or wine or something, no problem, because apparently it's okay for TEENS to get wasted (like his sisters were)).

Basically, I feel awful for wanting to abandon him. But I want so much to be free of this BS. Am I making the right call?