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Just had another insight. I see my part in this and what treatment I have been receiving from my abf. He will sober up for a bit, get a job, stay focused, church, work at a job, give me money from his pay check to pay his bills, (we have our own bills and bank accounts, as we are not legally married), he gives me his money and I pay his bills on line, he saves his money (as I do my own), we save, save, go without entertainment to save up money and then once he has a bit of money saved up and his bills are under control, he goes on a bender and lives like a big shot, spending money on his ex-wife (taking her out, $250.00 hotel room, wining and dinning her), while I had been going without any outings with him like that and then treating me shit stating he is going back to his ex-wife and other degrading comments. Then when he has no money, I am forced to help put with getting him back on track again as he has spend all his money, is sicker than sick, and in dark place again. Where is his ex-wife in all this? no where to be found, I am left to help him again and the cycle begins again. It was only a month ago he was drunk as ever and in contact with his ex-wife again.
Why am I allowing myself to be treated like 2nd class...I do not deserve this period. I deserve better and I will be walking out the door the next time he drinks. I deserve better treatment than that. I am done and now that I have seen this cycle, I will not, will not put up with it anymore! I too will develop an attitude of I do not care! I have to be grateful though, I have my own bank account and money saved for that emergency. I feel angry now thinking about how I have allowed him to treat me! I am angry! I have been as supportive as I can and helped him as much as I can and I at the end of the line get thrown to the side like a piece of garbage! Enough is Enough! I am mad and will not be treated like a piece of shit anymore by him! I am so angry at myself right now for tolerating this BS, him going back to his Ex-wife every time he saves up money and then drinks, wine and dines her while I go without till he is financially broke again.
I am seeing reality for what it is and its not what I want! I am so angry right now!
I read that the end of relationships are like a death - and it is normal to go through all different stages of feelings during this time with anger being one of them. Not that you are ending your relationship by any meanings - my point is that anger is a natural emotion for all that the alcoholic and their disease has put us through. Live it....feel it....and then move past it and onto the next emotion. It's an emotional roller coaster and it's nice when you can finally get off of it and have peace in your life again. Thinking of you! Hang in there!
Calm Lady is right. Anger is a natural response to how you have been treated. No need to feel guilty for experiencing this emotion. Now you can use that anger to take the focus off your AF and instead form a concrete plan for you to move on. I'm thinking that anger for the enabler is much like rock bottom for the alcoholic. You have moved beyond being a victim, a passive receiver of an alcoholic's raging, to an acceptance that he is not going to change and that you need to. Because you are worth so much more than that!
Do keep coming back to Al Anon. It is so helpful in strengthening your resolve and giving you tools for success in your new life.
Joker, you are coming through denial. Step one was the hardest to hit for me, but the most freeing. You are doing so well to see the pattern, and beginning to stand up for yourself internally where it all begins. Congratulations. Keep coming back.
Oh my, I found it ugly and cringey when I started to come out of my denial.
I was knee deep in this mess of a marriage with an active alcoholic because I got myself here. That I put up with the most insane of things. I was more insane that AH. He was doing the insane things drunk. I was doing insane things sober!
Just laughing to myself, AH started being verbally abusive and telling me I was lying. For the first time ever, I stood up, quietly said to him 'how dare you' and calmly left the room.
I saw a stunned look on AHs face as I left. He has not done it again.
They do what we let them. It may feel like we have no choice but we do.
I'm game for tea ladies!!! I know that moving from awareness thru acceptance and then into action was unnatural for me and just awkward in the beginning. For me, there was often this nudge deep within me that said, but wait - shouldn't you ... and this wasn't HP - this was my self-will. No matter what our program states, I struggled internally still with wanting my way and my will was strong to get what I wanted. It took time and practice to realize others do treat me the way I've trained them to do so. My passive/aggressive patterns of reacting/ignoring with emotion (eye-rolls were big for me) were the expected response.
When I began to react or respond differently, things did change. When I took my qualifiers off of their pedestals in front of me, and put myself first, things changed. I had to learn to do this with grace as most of my reactions and responses to date had been far from it. I needed to focus on me, my thoughts and my attitudes and outlooks instead of what they were thinking, plotting, planning, etc. I no longer look at the actions of my qualifiers as planned - I truly believe they too have bad habits/patterns that are entrenched.
Waiting to see what another is going to do for me became a past memory as I worked this program. My youngest has a court date tomorrow and I am quite certain he has forgotten about it. I've got a ball of nerves deep down as I would remind him of these events in the past. However, I also have enough program in me now to know that saying a prayer for him and letting it go is healthier for me. It's not my responsibility to ensure he knows how to be, where to be and when to be.
Joker - you've come so, so far - my hope for you, just for today is you can replace your mental thoughts of him and what he's doing/not doing, and focus on you and the beauty of today.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Then I saw the pattern in me. Al-Anon has a great piece of literature called the Merry Go Round. Yes, my alcoholic husband had this pattern going, but I too, would hop right back into my role, time and time again. This is why I needed help in recovery too, I couldn't stop hopping on that Merry Go Round with him.
I am powerless over alcoholics and alcoholism. My power lies in taking care of me and my needs... relying on Higher Power, rather than relying on people who can't even take care of themselves. Within YOU is the power to overcome this, my friend (((peace)))
