My story is what I would consider a complicated story.  I will start my story with what has happened to bring me to Al-Anon in the present time and then fill in the back story after I have fully explained how my life has turned upside down. 

On August 19, 2016 I answered the phone at work to hear my husband on the other line slurring his words and almost incoherent.  I realized, as I always have, that he was intoxicated.  This wasnt something that usually sent shivers down my spine, but considering that it was 6:03 pm and he was at his office I knew I had to go get him. I heard the phone fall and some yelling and then he got back on the phone.  He had informed me that he had fallen and was laughing.  I told him that I was going to come get him.  He told me he would be fine.  I told him not to drive and I would be there as fast as I could.  I begged him not to drive, as I was running out of my classroom, purse and keys in hand, and then the phone went dead.  I was 15 minutes away and I was speeding to get to him.  As I went up a hill I passed him and so I continued up the hill so I wouldnt get hit and turned around.  By the time I had turned around I came upon his wrecked truck and several people trying to help him.  He didnt have his seat belt on and was unconscious.  I could go into detail about what was going through my head and the multiple injuries I incurred trying to get to him and hold him up, but then I wouldnt have enough time to explain that a week earlier I had to call the same ambulance that arrived to help him on that Friday as I did last Saturday. 

For years I have asked my husband to stop drinking because I wouldnt be able to stop if he didnt.  He did for a few weeks here and there and then always continued to drink.  Saturday August 13, 2016 my husband came to bed stumbling acting like a pinball in a pinball machine trying to make it to the end (bed).  I decided not to start a fight and deal with him in the morning.  I continued to watch TV and within a few minutes I could feel a jerking sensation coming from his side of the bed.  It continued and so I turned on the lights to look at him and found that he had foam all over his mouth.  The jerking must have been him trying to throw-up and he was throwing-up foam or so I though. Later I found out that it could have been a seizure. I couldnt get him awake and couldnt get him to answer me.  Our four daughters came in and our 15 year old daughter called 911.  We live in a very small community where I am a teacher and he is an attorney and so everyone that showed up to help is someone that we both knew well.  We went to the hospital as he was belligerent and told the people trying to help him to fuck off and called me a bitch and a cunt on numerous occasions. I found out that his blood alcohol level was 395 which at 400 could be death.  It was one of the most humiliating things that I had been through in my life.  I didnt say it was the most humiliating thing, just one of them as my life has been full of moments like these, not because of him as this was only something that was recent. 

You would think that he would have considered this a rock-bottom moment.  Well you would be wrong.  On Thursday August 18, 2016 he was to meet our four daughters and myself at the middle school to get two of our daughters class schedules and meet their teachers.  After that we would head to the middle school and get our other two daughters schedules and meet their teachers.  Finally we would all go to the elementary where I teach so I could meet all my new students and their parents.  He shows up at the middle school looking like a homeless man and obviously drunk.  The girls thought he looked that bad because he was detoxing and not feeling good because he hadnt been drinking.  I told him if he didnt feel good just to go home.  One of my daughters dropped me off to get my Suburban at our house and I realized he hadnt gotten home yet.  I saw him pass and I followed him.  To make a very long story short I found him at the bar.  I went in the bar not acting mad, but saying that he had to hurry because he was going to miss his daughter conducting her first band performance.  I got him to come back to school with me by talking to him like I would a child in the nicest manner I could.  I stuck him behind my desk in front of my computer so I could meet with parents and no one would know he was drunk.  He kept getting up and started to leave.  One of our younger girls followed him and wouldnt let him leave until I was done.  We then went and watched our older two girls in the band.  I made sure to sit away from everyone so they at least couldnt smell him.  He had never showed up at our girls stuff drunk and I knew I was losing the battle.  He agreed to go to rehab, but he had to get a lot of things done before he went. I had thought that things had gotten so much worst because I told him he had to stop drinking which just made him get drunk before he came home so I wouldnt know.  I told him at this point I didnt care if he drink at home until he went to  rehab.  That didnt matter because he still drank which is why he wreaked on August 18, 2016.  Rock-bottom?  You would think so. 

After his wreak, going to jail, everyone knowing what an alcoholic he was still didnt stop him from drinking.  He didnt drink the whole weekend after his wreak, so I let him take my suburban to work that Monday August 22, 2016 after he dropped me off on the first day of school.  As soon as the bell rang I got a phone call from his secretary telling me that he was drunk and driving.  She begged him not to drive and told him he could kill himself or someone else.  His response was that he didnt care.  I called him and told him it was time for him to come get me from school and he did.  I yelled, screamed, called his best friend that was supposedly helping him through this process and realized that there wasnt anything more I could do. You might be asking yourself why I keep bring up dates.  Well, because the first day of school August 22, 2016 was my 39^th birthday.  He didnt even care about that.  This is the day that I told him he had to go to a 30 day rehab at the least or we were done.  I would take the girls and he would have no one.  I told him that he wrecked his truck and that his daughter and I wouldnt be inconvenienced any longer for what he had done.   He agreed to let his secretary drive him to work and I would pick him up from work.  After he passed out my girls and I spent the rest of my birthday at his office and found all his stash and threw away over 15 empty bottles of scotch.  When we got back home it was 8:00 pm. He came out of his room and asked us what we were doing home.  He had woken up and thought that it was the morning as he passed out around 4:00 pm. 

Today is September 11, 2016 and he has been sober since August 23, 2016.  He is planning to go to rehab as he still needs to go for the 30 days to learn how to cope with stress, the temptation of alcohol and his depression.  He drank every day for years but it was never to this extent until his father was put in a dementia care facility and the fact that his affair that he had 10 years ago with another attorney came out and her husband told everyone in the community including me.  Yes, I found out that 10 years ago he had a 6 month affair with a woman that I know and was now friends with because I have had her kids in my class for 5 years. They are autistic and I am a special education teacher.  She and I were not friends when the affair was going on.  My husband was the one who ended it because he didnt want to be without his children if I found out, that is what she told me.  His account on how it ended was that he told her it was wrong and he felt guilty and that is why he stopped it.  Who do you think I believed the alcoholic, adulating liar, or the adulteress that told me the total truth about everything when everything came out?  I never even got a chance to work through that because when I found that out I told him if he didnt quit drinking that I would leave him for good.  He quit cold-turkey.  Who do you think helped him through his detox, which consisted of nightmares, cold sweats, and emotional problems?  Yep, me.  I didnt even have a chance to comprehend that he had lied to me for 10 years.  We went back to counseling and tried to work through everything.  Which really you can only truly repair your relationship in counseling when you are being completely truthful and our counselor thought he had quit drinking. 

The kicker is that one of the reasons I married him is because he wasnt a drinker.  He only drank on very rare occasions.  I grew up with a father that was an alcoholic and didnt want to have to deal with the same issues my mother did.  However, I was the alcoholic.  I was only 19 when I met him and I was still partying.  We married when I was 20 and I continued to drink a lot because I just turned 21, or so I told myself.  I believe that I have always suffered from depression and I would self-medicate with alcohol.   I drank more when I married him because I am a very sexual person and he never wanted to have sex.  He was 9 years older than me and so I thought that might be it.  He would tell me it was because I would drink and that was a turn off.  I quit drinking and nothing changed.  We had four daughters within 5 years and I had postpartum depression with all of them.  It wasnt the kind where I didnt want my girls, it was that I wanted them and no one else can touch them.  I cried a lot and he resented me for it.  I didnt realize how much resentment he had until we went to counseling and how he talked about how I would quit being a parent when he walked in the door.  Now that he has depression I wonder if he has even thought once about all that I did when I was depressed and how much I accomplished during those dark times for not only myself and the girls, but for him as well. 

After our girls were older and I went to work my marriage was still horrible.  He wasnt drinking, but he wasnt a partner and neither was I.  We were in a place where we both hated each other and didnt want to be around each other. I felt like I had to beg him for sex and that made me feel bad about myself.  We never had sex and he wasnt willing to do anything about it.  I started going out with friends and I ended up cheating on him several times.  The first time was an online affair which wasnt physical, but it was worst because it was such an emotional connection.  He found out the day before I was going to go meet the person that I had the online affair with because he saw it on our computer.  That is the day that my husband began to drink.  He had not stopped drinking since that day. 

So, I feel that it is my fault that he started drinking and I kept doing things that made him continue to drink.  He had an affair that I caught him on the phone and he promised it was only them talking for a little while, but later on through the years I found out it was physical.  However, the whole time we went through counseling and our marriage was getting stronger and stronger he continued to tell me that he was in the same bad marriage I was in and he never cheated.  Now, I know that he cheated on me way before I ever cheated on him and while I was going to two different colleges and taking care of four girls.  I thought he was an asshole, liar, cheater, and overall piece of shit.  I went to counseling thinking that "I" ruined our marriage and I wanted to make it work. 

I am not bitter about going through the counseling because I felt that we had wasted a lot of time being angry at each other and hating each other and we finally really loved each other.   The reason I stayed with him after finding out that he cheated on me 9 1/2 years ago wasnt because I had cheated on him, but because we both were two different people then, just like I was a different person when I did all those things that I did.  We loved each other and were treating each other as though we loved each other.  It was time to start over. 

You would think that I would have it all figured out and be happy now that I have a husband that is sober and moving in the right direction.  I am happy that he is sober.  I am unhappy that I dont get to feel anything, be upset about anything, and walk on eggshells because what I say might make him drink.  I have dealt with everything he has put us through and I have picked up the pieces day in and day out.  He acts as though what he has done is only an embarrassment to him.  The girls and I are embarrassed as well.  He is going to go to a rehab facility where he can get help for his mental illness and he has total support from the community, his daughters, and me.  He has a lot of the support because of me.  I do not ever bad mouth him to anyone and only work towards helping him and therefore everyone else in my life is working towards helping him. I check on him daily to make sure he is having a good day.  If he isnt I make it my job to talk him through it.  I guess I am good at it because I know how depression feels.

So, why am I so angry?  I am angry because he has taken so much of my life and wasted it.  He took every opportunity to treat me like shit and make me feel like shit because he knew I would take it because I didnt know what he had done.   He was physically and emotionally abusive and I felt like I deserved it so I just took it.  I drank all the time so I didnt see how I could tell him to stop because that is how I dealt with my pain.  His father who he worked with him in his office was losing his memory and was finally put in a facility for dementia patients. So, I thought he just needed to get through that.  He has a very stressful job.  I was giving him every excuse he was giving himself.  I know I said he has taken so much of my life and wasted it and I should be saying that I have taken so much of my life and wasted it. 

The truth is that I had a rough life growing up.  I had an alcoholic father and a bipolar mother that wasnt medicated.  My parents do not want to have anything to do with me and choose that every day.  I could have used all the horrible things that happened to me in my life to be a loser and not step up to the plate every day for myself and my family, but I didnt.  I went to school and became a teacher.  I didnt stop there because I wanted more for me and for my family.  I went to school to get my masters and principal certification.  This summer when all of this was going on I could have just quit, but this was the last semester I could finish and so even though I was depressed and sad I had to continue to go full time to school.  I have completed all my classes and passed my principal certification test and now I am studying for my comps test which is the last test to get my masters.  There is no way I could have ever accomplished all of the schooling I have without my husbands help with my girls. I am resentful because when I was going through depression I didnt have any help or understanding from anyone.  No one in my family believed in it and he resented me for being the way I was being.   

I know that I cannot compare my life and my husbands life because it isnt fair, even though it is hard not to. I believe that he was unable to deal with things that came up because he had a perfect life and never had to deal with anything bad so he never developed the coping skills that I developed as a child.  I drank, but I am also able to live without alcohol and it never got in the way of my life or did it?  Here I am now and trying to figure out what to do next.  I guess I am feeling sorry for myself because I didnt like the man he was when we got married and the fact that we didnt have a sex life was a huge part of it.  I truly started to think he was gay because I was extremely attractive.  I now know why, the same reason why I didnt want to have sex with him for the last year unless I was drunk with him.  It isnt a turn on to have a drunk fumbling all over you.  I also was continuously wondering why he didnt want to have sex with me sober. 

This is where I am.  I am over being angry because I am here for him through his depression and sobriety even though he was never there for me and mine.  I drank daily and quit drinking when he did, expect one night.  I read what he posts on mysponser.com and how he is there for so many people that he doesnt even know.  He encourages them and confides in them.  He checks in with them daily and I have turned into a mother figure and not a wife or lover anymore.  I have four daughters I dont need another child.  I will always do what I can for him because I do love him and I want him to be well for my girls.  I just still feel like he is so selfish.  He was selfish and horrible before I cheated on him, after I cheated on him, and now he isnt emotionally or physically abusive anymore. But is that all I get for the rest of my life?  I get to be married to my best friend, which I dont trust, that I have to babysit, and that isnt available to me physically or emotionally.  Do I just thank God that he is alive and sober?  I am starting to wonder was our marriage getting stronger because of the counseling, or was it because he started drinking which enhanced our sex life. One of the things we learned in counseling is that I connect a huge part of someone showing me love with sex and I havent had sex in over a month. He knows this and now that he is healed of all his physical damages and not drinking he still isnt having sex with me.  Any time I act like I want to he gets up and goes on about his day.

Why doesnt he want to have sex with me?  I have so many reasons in my head which are not at all productive.  But I cant ask him because it will just cause a fight.  Also, I dont want him to have sex with me because I tell him to.  I know no ones life is perfect, but crap when is it unpainful?