Thank you for sharing. My mind is rather befuddled about 'trust'. I think my program and common sense tells me I can never trust AH. However I do trust myself now. I trust myself to not get hooked insane schemes and actions.

I can clearly see what is sane for me to do and what is not. What is healing and what is harmful.

This is a very powerful question. Trust is something earned. To be trusted, a person must be trustworthy.

It is my belief that only I can determine who I should and should not trust. At one point I had absolutely no trust in anyone or anything (except perhaps for my mother's and daughter's love). This lack of trust was a learned behavior and was well earned by "the world". I closed up and trusted myself instead...thus making all of the decisions, including what everyone would eat, wear, and even how they were to respond. I controlled everyone and everything in this "imaginary" world, and my qualifiers certainly didn't mind because it meant they didn't have any responsibility at all and they never had to display trustfulness sine I didn't trust them anyway.

As a child, I trusted everyone and that was wrong too. There is a balance in life. I truly believe we must give other the opportunity to show is if they are trustworthy or not, and we should believe them when they show us!

For an active alcoholic, I can honestly say I don't even try to trust one. Life has taught me that the disease of alcoholism is a very progressive one and a very dishonest one. The alcoholic lies to everyone, including themselves.

When, and if, an alcoholic truly reaches bottom and truly finds and works a program such as AA, the feeling of truth can again be built (if it is not too late in the relationship). Only you can determine where you are in that.

Having been married three times, the first at 19 to a very abusive (true sociopath) and another soon thereafter to a man with serious issues of his own, who needed/needs a great deal of professional help, followed a year after that divorce to my RAH of 21 plus years (who was actively drinking until 17 months ago with only a few small breaks), I can attest that trust was destroyed for me.

I wanted out and I no longer cared what anyone thought or said, then he hit that proverbial bottom and began his program. I still wanted out, but being me, I didn't have the heart to abandon a man who was truly on his bottom. I didn't pick him up though, but I did allow him to stay (always thinking I could get out when he was "on his feet again" and drinking again). But, he didn't pick back up. He really started to change. He became more trustworthy and I started a program too (other than this board, which was my true rock for many months).

Now my program is for me and his is for him and it is good. I can honestly say I trust him again. Could that trust be shattered, well of course it could...simply by picking up a bottle or by one act of underhanded manipulation. For now though, I choose to remain in control of the monies and to pay the bills. Otherwise, he takes care of him and his needs and I take care of mine. We meet in the "middle" and enjoy each other's company. I still have a lot of work to do , but we are both learning everyday and each day seems better than the last. He is here for me when I need him, as I have always been there for him. It is not what I original envisioned for my life, but it is better in a way, because my eyes are open and I know what I am getting in to by offering trust.  What other say to me, or behind my back, is just other people's uneducated opinions and they are free to have them.  I choose not to listen anymore and I address them directly if I am "forced" to hear by saying, "each person has to decide what is right in their own lives.  Thank you for caring about me, but I am making my own decisions now and I would appreciate your support.  If you can't support me, I understand, but please keep you opinions to yourself.  I have to learn my lessons like everyone else". Then I respectfully excuse myself to do something else, even if it is a trip to the restroom or just to say hellow to someone else.  So far, this is working quite well.

so, to answer your question more directly, trust ban be rebuilt over time.  The decision is yours alone and the opinions of others are based on their life experiences, so considering the source may help you decide if you even want to listen or not.  Not listening works best for me, but you have the right to decide what is best for you.

Peace!

-- Edited by Doingmybest on Sunday 11th of September 2016 07:04:45 AM

Amazing to think about trust and who I can and cannot trust. As long as my A doesn't get proper help I will not trust her. What I learned from my sponsor is that I can have NO expectations of her. I accept that she is not trustworthy. She is too sick and unwilling to get help. I get some good things from the relationship and give some good things to the relationship, but I am not in love, do not trust, and with Alanon I really appreciate myself and those around me that treat me with the respect I deserve. I appreciate lots of things now, even simple little things. Life is too short and unpredictable . I can only control myself and that's what I will continue to work on,Lyne

I struggle with being trustworthy myself. I find lies fall out of my mouth and I have to stop myself and correct myself in conversation at times. I say things I think will impress someone or get me out of trouble. A lot of it is my insecurity and fear of being judged.

The damage this does is mostly to me. I feel as if I am a fraud and I feel like other people can't trust me, so there is no foundation for respect. I'm working on it and being more honest now but that was my way of coping since childhood. I was sure nobody would love the real me because of the way my father treated me. So, I started inventing a different version of myself all the time, trying to hide every flaw or mistake in lies.

The trust in my marriage has been damaged by AH as well of course but right now my focus is on fixing my untrustworthy behaviors and trusting AH to the level he has shown himself to be trustworthy.