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Update - he came back Sunday full of the same old promises - he was done, he had hit his rock bottom etc etc. Fast forward to Thursday and I get a message - I've had 2 beers and "found" some drugs in my wallet so I had to take it!!! Once again another argument and him saying its al over that was the last time... Will it ever end?
Seriously, it might not ever end. Statistically the majority of alcoholics do not achieve longterm sobriety. That's why there's the saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?" Hugs.
(((Zoe))) - so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. As one who is in recovery on both sides of the program, sobriety is really, really difficult. It's true that he has got to want it and most of us have to hit our bottom - not a bottom others consider low enough - our own personal bottom. It's different for each of us and the reality of this disease is many who do not recover do not live long....it's a deadly disease.
Between my two sons, we've encountered 10 different treatment centers + mental health facilities + jail + prison. One is still active and the other is dry currently with a frown turned towards AA. I chose to not look at statistics as there are exceptions to everything in life. I prefer to have hope for them and their futures - and love them and support them without enabling or enmeshing. I've only been able to forgive them, love them exactly as they are and free myself from the blame game by working the program, using a sponsor and focusing on me.
So often, we look at a situation or a person and assume this is how it's always gonna be or how they're always gonna be. That is self-will as the only one who truly knows their journey is God. Looking at statistics and assuming the worse is similar - we are assuming we know who will find sobriety and who will not. There are members here who've lost their loved ones and their are members here that their qualifier has found sobriety. Lastly there are some that chronically relapse. We don't know what is going to happen, which is why the program suggests we stay present in today, work on ourselves and allow them to have their own journey.
It's not easy to change but it's absolutely necessary if you want peace of mind and joy to return. Speaking only for myself, spending my days with a poor me attitude blaming others for my lot in life was a miserable way to live. Quite frankly - when my mind went to 'if this is all there is' before recovery, I used to actually follow that up with, 'just shoot me now.'
I've come to rely on actions vs. words. I can be a slow learner, and 2 of my qualifiers are my children. Trust me when my heart wanted to believe them when they made their promises of no longer using. But the disease is way bigger than choice or will power. If all it took was self-will, alcoholism would not be such a wide-spread disease. The best thing you can do is be gentle with you, find some meetings and just go with an open mind. Look for peace of mind/heart, not answers. There is help and hope in recovery and you can find joy and peace no matter what your alcoholic is/is not doing.
You are not alone. There is no shame in loving an alcoholic - sometimes, we just need to love them from a distance that keeps our sanity safe. And - that's one day at a time.
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you- I know what your saying is right and in my head I tell myself to start thinking about myself and not focus on him but it's hard as everyone here probably knows! Onwards and upwards anyway .....
(((Zoe))) - so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. As one who is in recovery on both sides of the program, sobriety is really, really difficult. It's true that he has got to want it and most of us have to hit our bottom - not a bottom others consider low enough - our own personal bottom. It's different for each of us and the reality of this disease is many who do not recover do not live long....it's a deadly disease.
Between my two sons, we've encountered 10 different treatment centers + mental health facilities + jail + prison. One is still active and the other is dry currently with a frown turned towards AA. I chose to not look at statistics as there are exceptions to everything in life. I prefer to have hope for them and their futures - and love them and support them without enabling or enmeshing. I've only been able to forgive them, love them exactly as they are and free myself from the blame game by working the program, using a sponsor and focusing on me.
So often, we look at a situation or a person and assume this is how it's always gonna be or how they're always gonna be. That is self-will as the only one who truly knows their journey is God. Looking at statistics and assuming the worse is similar - we are assuming we know who will find sobriety and who will not. There are members here who've lost their loved ones and their are members here that their qualifier has found sobriety. Lastly there are some that chronically relapse. We don't know what is going to happen, which is why the program suggests we stay present in today, work on ourselves and allow them to have their own journey.
It's not easy to change but it's absolutely necessary if you want peace of mind and joy to return. Speaking only for myself, spending my days with a poor me attitude blaming others for my lot in life was a miserable way to live. Quite frankly - when my mind went to 'if this is all there is' before recovery, I used to actually follow that up with, 'just shoot me now.'
I've come to rely on actions vs. words. I can be a slow learner, and 2 of my qualifiers are my children. Trust me when my heart wanted to believe them when they made their promises of no longer using. But the disease is way bigger than choice or will power. If all it took was self-will, alcoholism would not be such a wide-spread disease. The best thing you can do is be gentle with you, find some meetings and just go with an open mind. Look for peace of mind/heart, not answers. There is help and hope in recovery and you can find joy and peace no matter what your alcoholic is/is not doing.
You are not alone. There is no shame in loving an alcoholic - sometimes, we just need to love them from a distance that keeps our sanity safe. And - that's one day at a time.
Keep coming back!
Iamhere - thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me - I am going to go to a meeting this week, loving from a distance is the stance I fell in going to have to take x
Zoe good program planning. I came to learn in program to live in the present and any promises were future intentions which my alcoholic/addict and myself rarely followed thru on. Yes I use to also make promises and failed to follow thru on. If the alcoholic cannot do it now...presently my response is "Whatever" and I turn around and walk the other way. Our program principle is "Just for Today". (((hugs)))
