The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello! I've been reading this board for awhile but Ive never posted.
I started going to Alanon about a year ago. I only went to a few meetings because I wasn't really ready. I am very ready now! I am married to an active alcoholic. I grew up with an addicted mother and younger brother. My mother and brother are no longer living.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 15. We have been married over 25 years. I am now in my late forties. We have 4 children. All of them live at home except my older son who is at college. We always thought we had a normal life. We drank socially like all of friends. We had alot of good times. About 10 years ago my mom passed away and everything fell apart. The fun stopped. I don't know if her death has anything to do with it but it started then. At first my husband developed panic attacks and he never drank. He was afraid to. The doctors gave him some anti-depressants and ativan and then things started to get bad.
He started drinking. A few a beers a day. He said they helped him so I didn't think any big deal. It's weird because both my mother and brother were in and out of AA but I never took the time to learn anything about it or Alanon.
I thought I knew all there was to know. And my husband was not an alcoholic he just had anxiety issues. Boy did that change real quick. I fought and fought. He lived in his truck in the dead of winter when I kicked him out several times. It was crazy. I was crazy! It was horrible, cops involved, an affair, etc.. Fast forward to now, he drinks every day all day and night. He will try to sober up for a few days here and there but not for more than 2 days.
He did have to peroids of sobriety for 5 months each time. The most recent was this year from January to June.
Last year I went to my first Alanon meetings and immediately things changed for me. I learned so much from the books! I was doing everything it says not to do. But the he stopped drinking and I stopped going. What a mistake! I started to going to therapy. My therapist is very familiar with Alanon and keeps telling me to go but at the same time is telling me to get separated and he needs at least a year if recovery before we can work on things. So I told him to leave and he did but not without drama. That was 3 days ago and tonight I called him and told him to come back. He's here passed out on the couch as I type this.
I've been trying so hard but not doing things the right way. I am very impulsive and want things done yesterday. I've lived with turmoil my whole life and never imagined the guy I thought was going to save me would be my worst enemy! I'm so confused. We never had a good relationship because we ruined it a long long time ago but for some reason went on to marry and gave 4 kids.
So as I sit here listening to his snoring I wonder once again about my sanity, intelligence and mental status to keep on doing this over and over again? I just can't get it right! Sorry this is so long and thank you for listening.
I feel for you Ceelee. Alcoholism sucks for everyone involved - even those of us that aren't drinking. My ABF and I are currently not speaking or texting each other at all. His choice - he detoxed about a week ago and has now decided that he has to stay away from "us" for awhile.
Tonight when I was sitting out on my deck thinking about the past 8 years between he and I and how it all ended up I started compiling a list in my head of what I want (not need but want) from the man I'm involved with. It was a lengthy list but what hit me when it was complete is that he was that man for the first 6 years we were together - and then the alcohol entered the picture and took over him, his thoughts, his words, his actions and now he is nothing like the man I want in my life. I deserve to have my list fulfilled and I'm worth it.
Be proud of yourself for making it 3 days apart from your husband. If there is a next time I'm sure you will be stronger to make it longer.
Getting past all the hurt caused in a relationship / marriage due to alcohol takes a lot of time. It doesn't happen over night. Try to focus on what makes you happy. Do something special for yourself.
Welcome Ceelee, so glad you are here. So many great things that you have reached out for: meetings, readings, sharing here, so you have had a chance to see the power of the program.
Leaning on the wisdom of AlAnon will be invaluable to you as you face this stretch of decisions and recovery. Hang in there, glad to have you with us
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Welcome to MIP Ceelee - so glad you found us and so glad you are here. I agree with Paul above me - you are working on self-care in spite of the active disease around you. That's a step in the right direction and leaning into the program will be helpful for your journey.
This disease is powerful and it's progressive. Stepping away when he got sober happens - the good news is practicing what you already know and returning to the program won't be too difficult. We all do the best we can each and every day and there is no judgement at the meetings. I love that we offer each other comfort, support and experience, strength and hope without giving advice or judgement. It was only in Al-Anon that I was able to find others who truly understood what I felt, what I thought, and what the disease is all about.
I know when I arrived, I felt very broken. I also truly only wanted others to help me stop the drinking. I was a bit overwhelmed when instead it was suggested I work on me. Like you, I got a ton of good direction from the literature and starting doing what I could. I made mistake and was told I was human and it's OK. I slipped at times, they still welcomed me back. I am now forever grateful for the program and tools as I feel that I am better equipped when life gets tough.
It is a disease and it's a devastating disease. It gave me comfort to hear and learn that the past does not define us - we can work on ourselves in the present and face the future as it comes.
You are not alone - please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Ceelee I am glad that you have found alanon and are planning on attending meetings once again . You do know that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless.
Living with this disease we develop many negative coping tools in order to deal wit th insanity that we deal with on a daily bases. Learning how to use the new tools and developing the support of like minded members takes time so that progress not perfection is what we seek
Please keep coming back There is hope .
