The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling low, really low. And p*ssed off. And quite angry - all at the same time.
I was day dreaming, well more evening dreaming, as I was sat there, another night on my own - like every night. Watching TV / playing computer games / surfing the internet. I was imagining a free-er life, enjoying a day out, an evening out with someone I could laugh and chat with. Someone I could love, someone I could goof around with.
Instead of having this frustration and being with this person I barely tolerate. That I don't conect with or even really respect now.
I'm only here because of our child, I have to be strong for her and protect her.
Crap isn't it.
Hopefull she will hit rock bottom and die or something b/c that would be at least a release from this hellhole of life.
I feel for you. I'm going through a similar situation and have lost respect for my AH. I'm still at the point of having problems imagining my life without him, but I think for my sanity I need to lay my options out there to see what would be best for me. I've never said it's me or the booze because I didn't think I could follow through with it. But I think this last binge has pushed me to that point. Wishing you find peace.
I remember that daily sucky feeling garnished with anger and came to understand that I had left the responsibility for my happiness and sadness with my alcoholic/addicts (s). The end came when I learned to take back my responsibility for the outcomes of my decisions and choices. Someone once told me that to leave my emotional, mental, spiritual health over with a sick person wasn't a healthy thing to do so I changed it. Thank God for the program and our fellowship. It's temporary J as you make it to be.
Oh I hear you. Been there and it fully sucks. If it helps jits, she's doing this to herself, not to deliberately hurt you and your daughter. I know it affects us. Of course it does. I had to find my own happy. It started small. Breaking the isolation without breaking the bank shopping in my case. To kids, I've been through court as well. Consequence, haven't seen the children I raised alone for seven years. New family now. I can honestly say, there's no way in the world any court scares me in regard to these kids. And I'm a mother. So that whole gender bias thing is a load of crap. I was also a university student with a part time job, no boyfriend, no addiction issues, a nice home and nice car with wonderful boys. Point is, kids are not contracts to a lifetime of misery and the past isn't always the future. You gotta find some happy. In my experience, my head is a dark place if I don't let some sunshine in. Wishing you some today.
I have had similar feelings. I felt so isolated, so down and I was sure a different partner would fix everything. For me, I realized I had boxed myself in. I had hidden away from relationships, friendships, stayed home, played small. I liked to blame my AH - he had been my drinking buddy, that was how we had fun and spent time with friends and as he spiraled out of control, I felt embarassed and upset and withdrew not just from him but from the world. I stopped socializing, stopped being open and honest with friends and family. I felt like none of them understood or supported me. But, my reality was and is - I chose so much of that suffering and unhappiness for myself. I let shame, drama, fear, and pride seperate me from the love and joy coming from every aspect of my life outside of the alcoholic marriage I fekt trapped within.
I'm still married to AH, trying to figure out a healthier way to live. And, I found out that I can do all of the things that fill me with joy with or without anyone else. I found friendships, and healing, and signed up for activities just for myself. I feel less isolated and I feel like my independence has helped my marriage too. I don't know if we will stay together forever, but I am full of hope for me. I'm learning how to have healthier relationships, learning how to make choices that honor me - my joy and my needs.
I still feel upset and isolated sometimes, but now I feel like I can change that - my alanon tools are there to help
Im sorry your feeling this way and can totally identify feeling the same way. I strongly suggest alanon meetings, thats where i got my free life. I got free of all of it and i have a good life today despite the fact this disease survives within my family. Freedom doesnt necessarily come from physical seperation believe me. Its about getting support and learning to think differently, its truly amazing. Dont wait any longer, you deserve what i got. Hope and freedom.
Well my social life will improve in a few weeks as I do a fair bit of sporting activities and the clubs are starting up again afer the summer. Kickboxing and Ju-Jitsu to work the mind and body and to get a bit of the aggression out.
Plus I can go for a beer after training to do a bit more socialising.
I used to get constant phone calls (last year) whilst out, drunken 'Where are you?' questions. I used to react.
Now I've learnt that in that situation I will either just say 'sorry, I can't talk right now' (read that from another post) / turn the phone off / block number
I too remember feeling stuck and angry and my mind bleakly assumed how it was is how it would always be! I stayed in my marriage and raised 2 boys who also are alcoholics. There were times before Al-Anon where I really thought there would be no end to the insanity/chaos. Truly all that changed was me - that was a by-product of working this program to the best of my ability and using the tools often/always.
Glad that you've got some things to look forward to. It helps me to stay busy - mind, body and soul and keeps me social for a large part of the year. When that's not possible (winter), I catch up on projects and inside interests. I'm grateful when winter ends though as I love being outdoors/outside!
Keep coming back and work your program. You'd be amazed at how different life is when we take responsibility for our own joy!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
