Has Anyone Experienced a Dark Night of the Soul - Al Anon Help! - Al-Anon Family Group

Charlotte22 · Veteran Member

Has Anyone Experienced a Dark Night of the Soul - Al Anon Help!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again I do belieive we have discussed this recently. I have experienced what you have spoken of and have just read where Mother Theresa experienced the same., Her Dark Night lasted for over 20 years however during that time she continued to pray , do her good works and trust HP.
I could not pray but deep down I knew HP was there and so I just continued to use my tools and show up . It lifted gradually and I was so grateful.

Gratitude lists work well,

Overcome · Senior Member

Thanks for posting about this, Charlotte.

I think this is what I've been going through, and it seems like it's been about 20 years for me too. It basically started after I had cancer in 1994-95. I had been diagnosed with depression and was put on medications for it. They didn't help, in fact they made it worse, so other medications were given. Then in 1997 it lifted for a little while, after my daughter was born. This lasted about a year, until I found out my father-in-law (a recovering alcoholic) had sexually abused my husband when he was in the depths of his alcoholism. We (as a family unit) went through counseling for the next 5 years. The marriage was not saved, and I went into another professionally diagnosed "depression".

I met another alcoholic (dry drunk) in July of 2005 and married him in July 2006 after dating a year. The next 3 years of our marriage was hell. Not because he drank, but because he was controlling, manipulative, and paranoid that I was cheating on him (which I was not). I eventually couldn't take it any longer and I divorced him in 2009. I fell into another deep depression (according to the therapist I was seeing, I was also bi-polar) and was put on Depakote. I knew I wasn't bi-polar, due to the fact that my daughter's dad was bi-polar, and I did not exhibit those symptoms, plus the previous psychiatrist I'd seen for ten years never said I was bi-polar. I believe that the government subsidized counseling was coerced into giving those particular drugs, as they were given free samples by drug companies... but that's another story.

The last ten years have been caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's, she passed away in May of 2015, and my daughter graduated from high school four days later. I had a whirlwind romance that summer with a friend from an Alzheimer's site that had just lost his wife to early onset Alzheimer's. This ended after we realized we had rushed into the relationship too soon. I got a factory job that about killed me due to the heavy labor involved, and then lost it when I couldn't make the quota. After losing the job I decided to sell my house in Missouri and move with my daughter to South Carolina, where she was to attend college. I believe I am now coming out of that Dark Night of the Soul, it has been a long time coming let me tell you! The beach (I am near Myrtle Beach now) and weather here are reviving my soul. I am grateful to be alive and have this program. I think I'm going to Google this "Dark Night of the Soul" and do some more research about it. Thanks again, for sharing.

Overcome (Lisa)

P.S. you may private message me if you have more questions about my experiences

-- Edited by Overcome on Wednesday 7th of September 2016 10:02:12 PM

-- Edited by Overcome on Wednesday 7th of September 2016 10:10:38 PM

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Charlotte. I don't know if I'd call it a dark night of the soul for me, there have been time periods encompassing years where I've felt empty and flat and sought answers in all kinds of places. I think it is the nature of life to go through transition periods where we become different people to who we once were. I can think of one very black time in my life where I felt I was unable to manifest my will the way I thought I'd once been able to, it was also a time period where I'd stopped all al anon counselling and meetings because I thought I was cured. ( lol, I didn't conceive of a 12 step programme as a living entity, but rather more like a course of study, completion and good grade, oh my * shakes head *).consequently, the only way out was through because I really didn't have the coping skills an acoa inevitably needs. So began another seven year cycle which I'm just ending which sees the embrace of the alanon 12 step programme and principles to the best of my flawed ability (progress not perfection). I hope this time around I've learned what serves me and what doesn't. I do believe what we refuse to learn will keep presenting itself in one way or another. Getting to deeply know ones self is a true gift of this programme. Take good care.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I do suffer from Acute Recurrent Depressive Disorder. However, I find a huge difference between it and spiritual depression. Spiritual depression is a Dark Night of the Soul.

This is no ordinary fit of depression, but it is a depression that is linked to a crisis of faith, a crisis that comes when one senses the absence of God or gives rise to a feeling of abandonment by Him.

Spiritual depression is real and can be acute. We ask how a person of faith could experience such spiritual lows, but whatever provokes it does not take away from its reality. Our faith is not a constant action. It is mobile. It vacillates. We move from faith to faith, and in between we may have periods of doubt when we cry, “Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief.”

We may also think that the dark night of the soul is something completely incompatible with the fruit of the Spirit, not only that of faith but also that of joy. Once the spirit of the universe has flooded our hearts with a joy unspeakable, how can there be room in that chamber for such darkness? It is important for us to make a distinction between the spiritual fruit of joy and the cultural concept of happiness. A person can have joy in his heart while there is still spiritual depression in his head. The joy that we have sustains us through these dark nights and is not quenched by spiritual depression." (quoted from Spiritual Depression, the Dark Night of the Soul")

So, yes, I have had long Dark Nights of the Soul. A Night of Darkness is not truly a time frame of a night, but of a ongoing, internal spiritual struggle (darkness) that has not been expressed and brought into the Light. A place of Darkness, that can sweep through us in a few moments, here and gone, or settle in and take residence within for weeks, months or years. Regardless this is the "hold on tight time". It can and often does bring so much un-manageability into our daily lives, our thinking, or our emotions. That Darkness of Night for me is a void or disconnection from my inner spirit, my spiritual core. I can perform all the task a day might bring, including prayer, giving a notice of gratitude to my creator, etc, but its like walking through knee high mud in that dark place. So, I hold on, be patient, tolerant, etc, and nothing really changes, but I'm still here, ready and willing to be connected with the Light and Love of my creator, and in harmony with the universe again. However, here is what I have found to hold true. As soon as I am willing to let go, and let God, as I understand Him and let go of the fear, shame, anger, pride, isolation and just let go, and allow myself to make any spiritual connection, even if in my communion with my creator I am screaming, and expressing anger, sorrow, fear... blah, blah,blah, I am still in some form of communication with my creator, usually with tears of humility rolling down my cheeks and I submit to my powerlessness, and I ask, or better said, beg God to provide me with relief from ME, and a small flicker of light emerges, and grows, until I am standing in the Light again. Not from anything external, but something so deeply embedded internally, my inner spirit starts to dance again. But it can be a journey, a piece of work when for so long I was disconnected from me, you, the universe and God. Inside I was no longer holding my own, on an island by myself, but allowing my self to become a part of, instead of holding out as apart from. Seeing the similarities, not just the differences... and the more connected I become, the brighter the light gets manifested, because I am doing the inside work, even in the face of doubt, and stop trying to decorate a garage can. Looking good on the outside, but pretty funky on the inside, Is a dark night...

I enjoy the sunshine... the light of the spirit. God I beg that you allow me to stand in your grace and mercy, the light of your presence and love, and help me let go of me, so I can have more of you. Amen.

Been thinking about and missing so many of you here. Glad to have some time here with each of you tonight.

John

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

That was very deep and very real John, humbling and beautiful. Thank you.

blindsided · Veteran Member

Dear Charlotte 22, I know what you are going through. I have been depressed for many, many years, a couple episodes of major depression. I am on medication to stabilize me, but I am still depressed. I am married to an alcoholic for 18 years. In the past 6 years I have lost 2 sisters. When they died, a part of me seemed to die. I don't enjoy what I used to. I used to be a person who laughed all the time. I don't find much to laugh about anymore. I do go to Al-Anon face to face meetings once a week, which I enjoy and help me. I seem to be stuck on step 1 for a long time now. All others are on step 9 or beyond. They really have serenity. I hope I can be like them someday. I'm trying.

oceanpine · Senior Member

wow John, thank you for taking the time to share in such a clear and comprehensible way (to me, anyways) what is a dark night of the soul, and how it differs from other kinds of depression.

I am going to save this to refer back to, because of the message you share, that is a reminder, that in the middle of this, what one can do is continue to do "the inside work, even in the face of doubt"...

I came online to post a bit more about the dark night of the soul, because I just found some notes on it from a workshop I once took. And I found that my notes carried the same message as John's message. Here were my notes:

The dark night of the soul is when you pull the plug (or it is pulled) on what makes everything run - and there is just an empty shell left. You are in God's waiting room, and there is nothing you can do to bring about the mystical marriage that you long for. This is learning what surrender means. You are going about the motions, but the things that once entertained you, don't. You see how you set yourself up - there is a sense that everything is a bit hollow and shallow. Kindness is the only thing that makes life meaningful. This is increasingly what you care about... it can lead to retiring "ego ambitions" to just be kind... it's a gradual process of true surrender.

Someone else mentioned that Mother Theresa experienced this for a very long time - which so surprised me. One of my friends recommended the netflix movie about her life, "The Letters"

What I take from John's post, and my notes, is that when one finds themselves in this place, it is so painful, but it is still back to the Alanon slogan of "do the next right thing".

Charlotte22 · Veteran Member

WOW I am so moved by everyone sharing on this topic!

Ocean Pine...I love your notes and also the remind just to do the NEXT RIGHT THING from Al anon slogans.

I agree that Kindness is everything and if i had say 4-5 friends around who were available and KIND to help walk with me and talk with me it would really be easier.

I am doing tons of step work, prayer, yoga dn breathing. I like the idea of God's Waiting Room and hope to come out soon.
My son , who is 13, is having a VERy hard time with his mom being like this.

It was triggered by a huge legal financial crisis with my ex.

Thank you for the LOVe and KINDNESS!

If anyone wants to private message me they can and I"ll leave my FB name

2HP · Senior Member

Hello Charlotte, I do understand the dark night... for me, my ongoing sorrow led me into spiritual crisis, feeling overwhelmingly disconnected from God after 10 years of active recovery efforts and a meditation practice even longer. A series of "terrible" things were happening, and I just kept wondering why God seemed to "hate" me so much by pulling so much away. I had no faith whatsoever that the "losses" would be a spiritual benefit. I just kept affirming my sorrow, and my thought attachments.

In short, persistence in meditation has allowed me to overcome the dark night, there is a sleeping conqueror inside that needed awakening. I have learned to meditate in a different way, to stop using God as a cosmic bellboy. Today I pray with deep love for God, knowing God is Love and responds to His own law of love. Also, my meditation practice time has gradually increased and the goal is to keep diving deeper every day. They told me, "If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you get go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will have complete peace."

I am so grateful for your post, I had forgotten all about it. Keep the faith (((my friend))) God is never absent

-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 14th of September 2016 10:47:16 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the idea of my sleeping conqueror 2HP - thank you for sharing that image.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.