The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and having difficulty with detachment from AH lately. The anxiety has been intense at times and I have been using the slogan "this too shall pass" when I get too overwhelmed by it. I've been reflecting a lot on why I feel anxious and I think it has to do with all the calm in my life these days. As my program strengthens and I keep practicing I find myself taking steps in my life to make it more calm, quiet and serene (taking steps like this seems so against my normal behaviour sometimes it feels awkward). After reading the courage to change reading yesterday (I think) it really spoke to me. It was about how when things get calm we reach for old worries and things to be anxious about and the person who wrote it said their sponsor recommended that they try to keep their sense of peace even during those moments of anxiety and turn to their Higher Power. That reading really helped me immensely. I feel like it brought me back to centre again and I am enjoying the peacefulness of my life.
I keep focusing on my progress because that is what helps me. My past pattern was to work myself up into a tizzy until I exhausted myself and then when I was too tired of all the drama I surrendered and said I wanted peace. I didn't want the drama and chaos. But after I had a few days of peace it didn't feel normal so I would seek out something to bring some sort of chaos into my life. I didn't always do this intentionally or consciously but I did do it. About 3 weeks ago I decided I was really done and have been working my program extra hard. And it brought a lot of peace and then waves of intense anxiety. The anxiety was tough to deal with and disheartening but I think for me it was necessary to experience it. When I felt anxious I wanted to fall back into old patterns but they didn't work for me anymore. Focusing on AH and becoming too attached didn't feel right anymore no matter how hard I tried. Looking to everyone else for approval wasn't satisfying anymore nor was people pleasing etc. I think for me it was a sign that I have grown. So now I am almost done my step two work with my sponsor and I am working on communicating with my HP and that has brought some relief. The anxiety has lessened the last few days and I am grateful for that but I also know it is because I started to remind myself that I have an HP in my life that loves me and that brought me a lot of comfort and calm.
I just spent last week with my daughter and we had a fantastic time together and I am so grateful to the program for that. I was able to focus on enjoying my week with her even with the anxiety. I decided at the beginning of the week to make it as positive as possible and to enjoy it because she is growing so fast. We focused on fun and we had fun! She helped with things around the house I took her on some outings too. We had a blast together. This was nice because I have always felt like AH was the "fun" one and I was always the one upset or arguing with him and her etc. My relationship with her has really improved. I no longer feel that way. What brought me to Al Anon was my own pain. What keeps me coming back is the improvement I have in all of my relationships (including the one with myself). Especially the one with my daughter. My motivation now is to give her a calm safe stable parent who loves her. And I can see big changes in her too because of my program.
Hi KT2015, Thank you for sharing this. One of the things I come across a lot in 4th step work is the fear of getting rid of a character defect because then what will take it's place? I really appreciate your honesty and in your share you start off saying you are feeling anxiety about the calmness, then you come to the final part of the share where you recognize your progress and the changes in your relationship with your daughter and how you are perceived. It's great to see the path from anxiety to gratitude in this sharing. All the reminders of progress, not perfection, help a lot.
Thank you so much KT, for another powerful, insightful share. Some of what you wrote really resonates with me. My old patterns are feeling very uncomfortable these days and I also attribute it to growth in my program and a closer relationship with my HP.
When I read, "this too shall pass" I am reminded of a funny take on it: "This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass." It gives me a little chuckle, but I am in no way making light of your anxiety.
Again, thank you for posting your progress. Although none of our situations are identical, there are very familiar threads.
I am so happy about your fun time with your daughter and improving relationship. Excellent!
(((KT2015))) - lovely program share......I am so glad that you are aware of your growth and all else that is happening. I find myself in a place today that I enjoy my peace and serenity so much, I'm almost apathetic about some things that I used to obsess over. I am a woman of extremes at times, and need to always just be as aware as I can be of where I am. You sound good - keep doing it as it wears really well on you!
I so relate to the AH being the 'fun one'. I don't know if this will help you or not, but I was extremely crazy with my boys growing up. I had a strong fear that since my husband had vacated our daily lives, I needed to teach them guy and girl roles. I was so busy 'teaching them life lessons and what to do and not to do that I drove us all crazy'! At ages of 24 and 22, within the last week, we've had great dialogue over their perceptions of their upbringing and my part in the chaos. I was able to tell both of them that I apologize for trying to be the end all/be all in the middle of a chaotic storm. It was freeing and while we are all still rebounding from the insanity caused by this disease, we are talking, seeing, processing, healing.
We are also trying to be a bit more present while we process and let go of the pain. It's a work in progress and if you had told me I would have spent 2 hours chatting with my son on the phone about weather, job, finances, future, etc. while he's still active in the disease, I would have said, "No way - not happening." For that moment on that evening, he was present, clean, listening, participating, and it was a blessing + miracle.
I wish I had found Al-Anon much sooner - perhaps our story would be different. But, in this moment, on this day, I am grateful for my qualifiers, this disease and the tools of recovery as we are all doing our journey as our HP sees we should.
Enjoy, enjoy - enjoy your daughter! It does go so very, very quickly! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all of you. I appreciate all of your comments. Yes El I find that funny about the kidney stone. I've heard that one before next time I will tack that on to the end of the slogan to make myself smile :)
e i m it's interesting you noticed the gratitude part because I've been putting a lot of effort into gratitude. I truly believe that practicing it changes your brain!
I AM Here yes your comments always help me :) And yes she's only 7 but I can see how the time FLIES so quickly. I don't intend to waste as much of the future as I have already done.
Hello KT - thanks so much for your share. I haven't been on the board for a while but am working my programme with a sponsor, meetings and reading. I'm so grateful for my progress and for the journey on my way out of pain, despair, confusion (not a straight line journey by any means, but still a journey). I have lately been feeling very calm and centred and I guess this may even be what they call serenity. Hooray! However, like you when it's here for any length of time i start to get uncomfortable again and feel I must find something to worry about and focus on to improve outside of myself. I'm trying to keep connected with HP through the good times as well as through the anxious periods and to try to bring awareness to what I'm doing and my own old ways of thinking so I can move through it fast and back to a state of peace and serenity. If I can get back there more often i can get used to it and then I'll feel more comfortable with it and want to stay. The steps and slogans are really helpful for this. As was your share, Thankyou
Thank you for sharing KT. I can relate. I have a lot of anxiety around relationships but I try to remember that other people are out of my own control. I love what Iamhere shared because it gives me hope that despite the anxiety, we can have peace even in the midst of the storms!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you for sharing. I also deal with a lot of anxiety. Some days I wake up with overwhelming feelings of dread. I am having a really hard week with my AH but when you said " I started to remind myself that I have an HP in my life that loves me and that brought me a lot of comfort and calm" it reminded me that I have that too, we all do. Anyways thank you again you helped giving me a push to get though today.
Thank you so much for your share. I too am experiencing tons of anxiety as well and your share really helps. I am processing so much old pain now and I obsessively remind myself that Higher Power LOVES me and will take some of the burdens. I can tell I am acting in an "old way" by being hyper vigilant and being afraid to surrender to God. I need more program right now. Thanks for your share xx
