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After being injured from drunkenness, my AH promised he will no longer drink. A promise I reiterated that should be made to himself and not to me. However, he is doing it by himself, he doesn't believe anyone else can help him. Of course the "moods" are still there, and I've read here that it will stay. However, I'm having suspicions, I don't know what he's up to. I noticed that his cellphone is always with him even when taking a bath, he changed his fb password. He would always leave the house, and I feel he's making up alibis to justify this. He has no work and I don't know where he goes during daytime. He doesn't come home intoxicated though. I would like to snoop on him just so i'll know if he is lying but I am not sure if this is a healthy thing to do. Sometimes I would think that I could use the evidence to justify my separating from him.
What could be wrong with me? Has anyone ever felt this way?
I've felt that way and did snoop before recovery. It never ended well - damned if we do and damned if we don't.
You don't ever need a reason to take a break from a relationship - short, long or longer. As humans seeking serenity, we get to make decisions for ourselves that make the best sense for our circumstances. Most likely, without some type of recovery support, he's not going to be doing much changing. The question you can ask yourself is what am I or can I do for me, my peace and my own joy?
We work Al-Anon for us and to better cope/live with the disease/diseased. We do our best to focus on ourselves vs. them and what they are doing. When we focus on them, that's a sure way to get wrapped up in the chaos/insanity of the disease.
Sorry that you're where you are - there is help and hope in recovery - choose you....just for today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There is nothing wrong with you! I think all of us that have dealt with the lies that an alcoholic tells us due to their alcoholism and how unreliable, untrustworthy and unbelievable they become while drinking causes all of us to feel anxious and suspicious due to their past deception.
I think that Iamhere gave you excellent advise on how their past snooping experiences have turned out and that has given you something to think about.
Remember tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start for all of us!
You are most definitely not alone in the snooping department. I know where my AH usually "hides" his bottle. Some days I look to see how much he drank or how many new bottles are there. Other days I stop myself because what good does it do me to know. I might get mad or just stew about it and how does that help me. I am really trying hard not to look and just let it go. It will happen or not, doesn't matter if I catch him or not. A's are liars, plain and simple. My AH lies about stupid things and things that can't possibly be true. One day recently I saw his car lights so I knew he had gone out. I came out of the bedroom and met him when he walked in the door. I asked him why he had gone out after he had been drinking. He said he just got the package out of his car. Really?? Do you have a refridgerator in your car??? Dumb lies that make absolutely no sense!
When he does choose to be honest and tell me that he is going out to get more he asks if I am mad. There is no good answer to that question. If I say yes then he will get twice as much anf be pissed off all night. I tell him he needs to do what he has to do.
Thanks very much for your shares. I felt somehow relieved, though still anxious and having the itch to snoop, LOL! But I have to Let Go even just for today. God, I pray that you help me with this, help me to trust you more.
My A told me a few minutes ago he was going out to get a few mini's (liquorstore was closed, how sad!). The first thing I wanted to do when he left was to snoop and see what was left in the bottle he was currently drinking! LOL But, I didn't! I took my own advice and said why bother? Does it matter how much is left? Will it effect me in any way knowing how much is left? NO. I am glad I didn't snoop.
"After being injured from drunkenness, my AH promised he will no longer drink." My late AH made the same promise, and I believe he sincerely meant it at the time, but was unable to keep it, having no program of recovery. And he made that promise to me, his doctor, and the Department of Motor Vehicles, but not to himself.
I understand the desire to snoop. After all, we want to know the facts, right? If we know they are drinking, we can do something, right? (Or so I thought ... not sure what I thought I would do, prove that he was deceiving me, I guess. ) Congratulations, TT and Jocel, for holding off on that desire to snoop, one day at a time! That is tough to do, and if you can hold off, I think you are doing great!
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 4th of September 2016 08:39:19 PM
Come to think of it Freetime, yeah, I guess I was looking for proof that he was deceiving me. And come to think of it again, hasn't he been a liar all the time!!! This is really tough!
Iamhere, thanks for reminding me... just for today...
Super snoop in reform here. It never ends well. I think if instincts are up, they're usually right, but the issue is one of trust and truth. I've never gotten satisfactory closure or healing from confronting even with evidence or truth. Its like any other argument with an a, sends me nuts and very depressed...... And what for? If you know, you know. I know my a is an addictive personality with a penchant for booze, weed, good looking women or even just available ones. I no longer sacrifice my serenity trying to catch him out. And I could be wrong, but I do believe my new confidence and disengagement from his penchants keeps him far more on his toes than my angry,crying shouting hurting ever did. The thing is, it's his choice to be decent and my choice to stay and neither of those are neccesarily set in stone. Stay strong.
Hi No i do not believe that this is healthy but it is one of the many negative tools that we develop as the result of livIng with this disease. Alanon slogans,and the Steps will help.
I did snoop and I think I was right to do so. I did it because I didn't know if I was paranoid or if he really was drinking again. He denied it up and down, of course. Anyway, I snooped and found the bottles and glimpsed him dashing out and taking a swig a few times. (He had hidden some bottles in the bushes behind the house.)
The reason I think it was justified was because I was going to take action if he was drinking again - I was going to separate from him. But I didn't want to separate if I was the problem, if it was just me being paranoid.
I put the separation in motion, but slowly, and before I got very far with it, he did something so outrageous that I just got it over with.
So my view is that if you already know the answer, snooping just drives you crazy. But if you don't know the answer, and the answer would make a difference, then establishing the truth of things may help.
In your case, things sure sound suspicious, up, down, sideways and around the block. I think maybe you wouldn't have to snoop to draw the realistic conclusion that he is up to no good. But if you want to confirm it before taking action, maybe consider my experience. Hugs.
Thanks Mattie for the share. I think I just have to remind myself not to "crazily snoop" out of paranoia but because I need to confirm/establish the truth and that I need to make objective decision if and when necessary. Just a few hours ago, when he came home he was again telling me stories which sounds like he was justifying his going somewhere today. I know he didn't drink but I can sense there is lying somewhere. So I told him that he need not justify to me his whereabouts and that he is responsible for his doings. "If you say so, then it is so. If you are lying, you are lying to yourself. It's up to me to believe or not to believe." Naturally, he didn't like what I said, some improvement though because I didn't further argue and kept my cool, no matter how provoking his action was. Hopefully I'm learning the better way of finding the truth and letting him know that I stand by my truth without me feeling like a "fool & crazy snoop". (((Hugs))) to you too!
I view snooping as counter-productive to serenity and recovery. I did it before Al-Anon, I did not once I started. It was hard to stop/not do it, but I didn't need proof of anything to seek my peace/separation/recovery. That's just me - also.....the snooping never felt better. Even if I caught them in a lie, who cares? I already knew they were dishonest - so add another thing to the list. When I couldn't confirm, it kept the worry.
I did as suggested and would call my sponsor or a program friend and work to keep the focus back on me. The truth always comes out - I don't need to go searching for it. Just my experience.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Snooping never benefitted me in any way. It only served to add fuel to the fire of my already over active imagining the worse case scenario thinking. I still battle to this day not to snoop with my Ad who is in recovery but I am learning that the truth always reveals itself at the right time and I am better served keeping my nose in my own life and working on my own recovery.
Thank you Iamhere & serenity47 for reminding me that truth will always come out... it will reveal itself at the right time.
I pray to God, I need to trust Him more... God is the Truth, the Way and the Life
(((jocel))) - it took me a long while to change my perceptions about what my HP is. I was raised with organized religion and missed the teachings about a loving God. I only heard punishing God and sins (which I had many) closed the door of his kingdom to me!!
That processing/thinking was another huge part of my disease that I had to explore. I now believe my HP loves me, warts and all. He wants me happy, healthy and whole. He doesn't want me to feel less than or better than anyone else. He wants me to accept me, as I am and others, as they are and to find a way to heal/deal and live with grace and peace each moment I breathe on this earth.
Again, it's been a process. I actually had God on my resentment list a couple of time. I look each day for the many miracles around me, and they are ever present when I seek them.
(((Hugs))) - you got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I never felt as if I was snooping, but after reading this thread, I do believe snooping is what it was. A few months in to my relationship with now-ex abf, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. We used to talk or email daily. I called him a couple of times on that weekend and didn't hear back. He does very physical work and lives in a rural way, (and he's in his 50s) and I imagined he was dead in a ditch or dying of a heart attack after chopping wood. I was so conflicted about what to do -- should I just let him be or rush up there. I thought if he *was* lying half dead in the snow and I didn't go up there, I'd never forgive myself. So I drove the 45 minutes to his house. He came out and he was fine. I felt like a fool. Last month, I didn't hear from him again for a week. I thought he was going through a difficult emotional time (since the last time we'd seen each other he was sad about something but we'd had a really nice time and made plans for the weekend) and I tried to give him space while still worrying about his well-being. I had the "inspiration" to look at his (not-so)ex's instagram page and found photos of him and his kids. He'd been having family time with her for quite some time and lying about it to me -- saying they were doing things with someone else when it was her they were spending time with. I broke it off with him then and felt like a fool again for putting myself through the wringer and also placing responsibility for my happiness onto him and his attention. Was I snooping? I didn't really think so -- I mean, it's a public web site and people put photos up there to be seen. I wasn't looking through his personal effects. But maybe it was snooping. I don't have Facebook but if I did, I'd probably be scouring it for information. I don't even know what made me look there -- I guess at some level I imagined that it was going on. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't seen those photos, but I did and I made a choice based on what I found.
So to prevent seeing any more of that, I've blocked instagram from my phone and computer, because I am VERY tempted to check back in and see what's going on. But I know it would just hurt me, and what good is that? It's hard in these days of online information, I think, to refrain from it. Part of my mini-break this past weekend was to try to take a break from technology. It's certainly got its benefits (like this wonderful web forum and al-anon speakers and such), but there's so much that's just no good (for me, anyway).
I can sure relate to this post. I think snooping (AKA counting/checking bottles) is the hardest habit for me to break and yet I realize that it is also the fastest train to Crazyville!! One saying that comes to my mind a lot lately is "The alcoholic is going to drink, what are YOU going to do?". And I try to find some way of detaching so that I can take my focus of them and put it on me. Easier said than done a LOT of days!!
Thank God for Al-Anon!!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I've a real thing about snooping. Many (many, many lol) years ago, when I was 16 or so I was living with my then-boyfriend and his mother. He accidentally left his journal on the bench while we were eating breakfast and he got in the shower. She grabbed it and started speed-reading. I was horrified and said 'what are you doing?" and she told me I had a lot to learn about men, and she suggested I catch up and start "reporting" to her. I thought the behaviour was so ugly, it turned me off snooping for life and I have found any time I engage in it it leaves me feeling ill and at best, the other person gets handed a pile of ammunition (how dare you spy on me?). It's never brought anything good into my life.
I am intensely private and cannot stand to have anyone access my computers or my phone etc and I don't have anything to hide, I just value privacy very highly so I figure I'd best offer the same to others.
I think, the answers are always inside; if I doubt someone enough to want to snoop, then the problem is mine; either I am in a relationship with someone I can't trust or I'm imagining things and acting upon them. Either way, exposing the other person's actions doesn't serve me. Examining what has brought about the urge to snoop is far more useful to me.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Snooping I came to realize was a cute name for me allowing myself to keep ignoring other peoples boundaries. Because I was the boss in charge how everybody is meant to behave. Even though I thought myself a trustworthy person not being an addict and all, I was out of line looking at other peoples anything without their permission. I would have been crapping all over them if the reverse had been true. But, they were the addict therefore I exerted my moral superiority over them by..... breaking their trust....hypocrite!?? Making amends to others in that department includes my waiting for others to invite me to participate in their lives. Forgiving myself for that poor behaviour and not repeating it. Hoping nobody has spied on my journal lol!
I used to snoop. I saw nothing wrong with it. I remember parents listening to each other on the phone, listening at doors and steaming open each others letters.
All seemed normal to me, until I learnt that it wasn't!
I don't snoop now. I feel cleaner and better for it.
