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Hi all. I haven't been around this board in a while but have regularly been attending meetings. Life has been manageable and I have been trying to enjoy the summer with my two boys (12 & 9). Unfortunately the progression of my ex's active addiction is starting to weigh heavily on me. To summarize - my ex has been on a significant downward spiral over the past year. In March he lost his 2nd job in a 2 year period. Being an attorney, his future opportunities are limited as word is out about his condition. By his choice, he sees the kids every other weekend and for a few hours on Wed evenings. He is otherwise disengaged from their lives. He also went 2 years (while we were originally separated) barely seeing them at all. His choice. His health has gone downhill significantly over the past year. He has broken ribs several times, had his gallbladder removed, and has been in the hospital 6 time -3 times with pancreatitis.
He was supposed to have the kids this weekend. I got notice from him this morning that he won't be able to be with the kids...because he is in the hospital. He is having hip replacement surgery tomorrow. It turns out that he was drunk and fell last night/this morning and broke his hip. He is 46 years old. I am having a really hard time with this. With the elderly you always hear that a broken hip is "the beginning of the end." His body is greatly compromised so this is a significant event. I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and he is certainly getting worse. This could be the start down a really bad road and I just have to sit and wait to see what comes of it. I know that with my program I can handle whatever the future brings. My concern is for my kids. I want to do what is best for them and it breaks my heart to see what they have to endure. We talk openly about alcoholism and I try to make their environment as healthy as possible. I am so worried that we are going to be burying him sooner rather than later. I am so sad to see him get to this point. It is preventable - if he wants it. That does not appear to be the case. I have a pit in my stomach and just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Sorry for the long post and if it doesn't make a lot of sense. My head is all over the place right now. Would love to hear some experiences from you all :) Thanks!!!!!
(((Hugs))) Tossed Salad - so sorry for the progression of the disease in your AH. It sounds as if you are doing a wonderful job with your boys and yourself. I do understand and hear your fear and I do understand how hard it is with boys.....when my AH relapsed, he basically disengaged with our boys and they were hurt for a long while. That hurt turned into anger, and they did also make poor choices, and fell into the hole of addiction to cope. If I had Al-Anon earlier, we may/may not have had different outcomes - one never knows and we can't change the past.
Open dialogue with your children is spot on in my experience. Helping them to understand that he is sick, not bad also helps. I don't know if AlaTeen is present in your world, but offer it to see if there is an interest. Certainly if you feel it might help, a professional could be contacted. My boys were more likely to hear things from others beyond their parents. Planting seeds with them that if they are ever struggling, you will do anything possible to help them helped here too.
As far as your AH, I'll send prayers for all of you. The disease may win, but the disease may not. For me, whenever I projected outward and it was negative/worse case scenario, my sponsor told me to stop playing God. We never, ever know when the miracle of recovery will arrive or for whom. Stay in today and keep working on you so that whatever the future brings, you are as strong as possible to get through it.
One Day, One Moment at a time has always been my go-to in crisis time. I also am a huge fan of Bless Them, Change Me - the abbreviated serenity prayer that I say many, many times a day when interfacing with my qualifiers.
We're here for you - just a post away. Don't stop your program efforts - that local support has been like a floating device for me when things go south.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just wanted to send a support vibe. Its sad, the disease of alcoholism. I agree with iamhere, open dialogue on their level. As their mum, your own compassionate honest wisdom is the truth they have to fall back on if that makes sense. And support for you on this journey. ((Tossed salad)).
Sounds like your doing a great job. The best you can. Your going to alanon so your not passi g on anger and bitterness to your children. Your open about alcoholism, i think thats brilliant and the healthier your thinking becomes the more likely you are to break the distorted thinking passing to your children. Your teaching them compassion towards their dad, a sick human being whonis doing the best he can with what he has in this moment. Alanon is such a miracle. I suggest, if i may, try not to pass your fears to your children. The what ifs can be sick thinking. Where theres life there is hope. He is on a downward spiral. My ex went down when he lost me and the kids but it was partly to generate fear in us and to manipulate us all into giving in and coming back to look after him. Im not saying your husband is orchestrating all that is happening but this is a cunning disease.
Wrap him in a warm cosy blanket give him to god and dont give him your fear worry sympathy. These can be dangerous. When my ex took it to the serious health risking behaviour, we all stayed away gave him the space to destroy himself if that was his aim but low and behold he didnt like this space and he has been sober ever since.
Dear Tossed Salad, I understand this nightmare phase and send positive thoughts your way. I have been there. I agree that with the children, being open and encouraging their questions is the best way. My children felt best when they could "do" something, rather than just worry and wonder. Perhaps suggesting to the kids that they could make cards or do whatever kindness we normally would for a sick person, would help them. Then whatever happens, they will know they did something positive.
Tossed Salad- I am dealing with similar health issues with my AS. It is very hard. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family dealing with this. If you need to talk, I am a sympathetic ear. I've spent my whole summer in and out of the hospital with health issues directly with my A's drinking. Peace to you during this time.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Thank you all! I love the idea of the kids making him a card. Who knows...maybe these few days of sobriety will be a new start. I will stay in the moment and stay away from the "what ifs". I am so grateful for you all and for Alanon.
TS, sorry for what you are going through. I don't know if this will help or not but I wanted to offer you some insight from the alcoholic's way of thinking as someone in recovery for 8 years now from alcoholism.
Yeah...it is preventable if he wants it...BUT it is so powerful that he has to want it with every fiber of his being and muster enough humility and faith to embark on a radical journey of asking for help, letting others in, going to meetings, he has to continue to want this above all else....And all of this has to happen while the drink is busy telling him he is not that bad, or just had crap luck, or should drink cuz of his job stress...then job loss, "losing his family"...or whatever other BS that we all know are actually consequences of drinking rather than valid reasons to keep drinking.
This is why recovery rates are so low. Alcoholism is insanity. I was just hoping to offer you some insight into how an alcoholic thinks to maybe take just an ounce of the sting out of this. Understanding the way it skews the person's reasoning helps to let go of why they are making these awful choices that are truly experienced to the outsider as having a front row seat and being strapped in to watch their slow suicide.
(((Tossed Salad))) - so sorry for what you are experiencing. I agree with those who recommend concentrating on you and your boys. Easier said than done, but crucial. That is the area you have some control and I am also sending prayers for all of you.
(((Pinkchip))) - your response to Tossed Salad really helped me a lot. I just found out my AD has relapsed and is not doing well. She is married and her husband is obviously at a loss and scared. She is self medicating her depression with alcohol because she refuses to go back on meds. Giving your description from the A's viewpoint is very helpful.
I strongly recommended Al-anon for him, but I don't think he's reached HIS bottom yet. I am trying so hard to stay in the day and not project all sorts of horrors for her...and him.
Thanks for this board, program tools, and the understanding of so many.
Thank you for the insight PinkChip. Maybe these few days of forced sobriety will spark the desire to continue?? One can hope :) But time will tell. One day at a time - right?!?
I am proud of you for 8 years of sobriety. It takes great courage!
