The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This whole detaching with love thing would be a lot easier if we didn't live in the electronic age of cell phones, emails, texts, face times, facebook etc.......it's hard to stick to your boundaries when the person constantly on your mind is just a push of a button away from contact -
I know - blocking, unblocking two minutes later! I have a friend I call and she lists the reasons why I'm doing this. Sometimes I've called her three or four times a day now I'm down to one call a day or every other day! Luckily, we've been friends since we were 8 years old and this is how we help each other in times of need! I was also writing everything on a piece of paper rather than on the phone - then I send it to the bin.
So nice to read these reply posts!!! Especially about the blocking and unblocking!! It's nice to know I'm not alone - as much as I block and unblock back and forth I've honestly wondered if I'm insane at times!
Setting boundaries worked wonders for me. Doing it with a sponsor to keep me kind and level-headed and my motive pure was a god-send.
I've blocked folks before as well - but that keeps them from contacting us. I believe the original post was how to keep from reaching out. For me, the best way to stop chasing my vision of what I wanted them to be was to work the program. Keeping the focus on me, and creating a list why I need personal boundaries, space, meetings, etc. was far more productive than inventorying my qualifiers.
I spent a ton of time here too - reading, learning, responding, etc. When I was worried about what they were doing or if they were OK, I'd redirect myself to something program related. It works when we work it.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think sometimes we need coping mechanisms during the early stages of a breakup.
During these times I need to remember why I don't want to go back to him and not to 'forget' all of the things that have happened along the way. Regardless of how much of the program I have worked I am still capable of focusing on the good, kind person I met in the early days and to become sentimental.
I write the inventory to remind myself of what has actually happened and to be sure not to start the vicious circle again. I am sure that over time (and the need is already fading) I will no longer need these lists but right now whilst he's flipping from hating me one moment to loving me the next it can be confusing and under no circumstances do I want to 'give in'. In these lists I also write the part I played which I find helpful.
I also think that, depending on the type of relationship you have with the particular person, it is fine to block them. He doesn't need to contact me for any reason other than to be abusive. We have no commitments together.
So whilst working on myself daily and working the program I know that it's not a case of just forgetting he ever existed and working on myself because I am human and that's how we work. This inventory of his behaviour helps me to put everything in perspective and to understand that I deserve a whole lot more than the abuse I've been receiving.
Setting boundaries worked wonders for me. Doing it with a sponsor to keep me kind and level-headed and my motive pure was a god-send.
I've blocked folks before as well - but that keeps them from contacting us. I believe the original post was how to keep from reaching out. For me, the best way to stop chasing my vision of what I wanted them to be was to work the program. Keeping the focus on me, and creating a list why I need personal boundaries, space, meetings, etc. was far more productive than inventorying my qualifiers.
I spent a ton of time here too - reading, learning, responding, etc. When I was worried about what they were doing or if they were OK, I'd redirect myself to something program related. It works when we work it.
I guess I made my post a little confusing - I will try to explain - I know that blocking him still allows me to contact him but I don't feel the need to do that at this moment in time - I block him so if he tries to call me I will not have the temptation to answer it - at this point I'm not strong enough to ignore his call.
Yesterday i was really struggling with leaving him alone - today I've started out in the anger stage so all is good for now....LOL
I think sometimes we need coping mechanisms during the early stages of a breakup.
During these times I need to remember why I don't want to go back to him and not to 'forget' all of the things that have happened along the way. Regardless of how much of the program I have worked I am still capable of focusing on the good, kind person I met in the early days and to become sentimental.
I write the inventory to remind myself of what has actually happened and to be sure not to start the vicious circle again. I am sure that over time (and the need is already fading) I will no longer need these lists but right now whilst he's flipping from hating me one moment to loving me the next it can be confusing and under no circumstances do I want to 'give in'. In these lists I also write the part I played which I find helpful.
I also think that, depending on the type of relationship you have with the particular person, it is fine to block them. He doesn't need to contact me for any reason other than to be abusive. We have no commitments together.
So whilst working on myself daily and working the program I know that it's not a case of just forgetting he ever existed and working on myself because I am human and that's how we work. This inventory of his behaviour helps me to put everything in perspective and to understand that I deserve a whole lot more than the abuse I've been receiving.
I took up your suggestion to make a list - I created one of all his bad characteristics and all the bad feelings he made me feel inside myself. It has helped a lot! Yesterday I kept wanting to contact him via text or phone call. After making the list last night now I am just angry and have no desire to contact him in any form available (at least for this moment in time). So thank you for the suggestion of making an inventory! I really appreciate it!
Jo Jo - me too - don't worry, you're not alone. I just love the lists and keep adding and referring to them.
That jerk even had me convinced at times I was crazy and would refer to me as "sybil" - it's his alcoholism, his lies, his unreliability etc that caused me to act that way but God forbid he take responsibility for any of that! ugh
I like to think of it like getting sober. Every time you reconnect, you have to disconnect again. If we are addicted to the person, each reconnection or contact is like taking a drink. Sounds kind of harsh. It's hard to disconnect from the primary person in your life. In my case, my ABF was my emotional support and my primary focus, other than my child. It was hard to go through an emotionally difficult time and not reflexively rely on him as my support. But I couldn't rely on him and be broken up too. I had to find new support and new ways of focusing. Thank goodness there are healthier alternatives.
I found the First Step in my recovery came when I decided to take responsibility for my actions, feelings and attitudes.
Reacting and blaming others for my behavior was my go to tool. I saw myself as perfect and everyone else as lacking. Learning how to respond to situations by validating myself without blaming others was a true gift. Slogans helped greatly
Sometimes when it's all so new and just for that moment, it's really simple and purely about stopping yourself from answering that call or text.
I totally understand.
For me, the more I work at it and the more I come to these pages, read, work the program and go to meetings, i get an in sight into how much other alanon members have to live with. After reading so many stories from all of these lovely people I realise how lucky I am to have no commitments with him.
I can convince myself that he may not drink again and keep his promise (which has been made 100 times already) or I can believe what I've already seen - which is someone who is secretive about drinking, whose life is a mess and who is verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. Now, I need to work out why I was with him in the first place. I never thought he would change, i always knew that i couldn't change him. I never really wanted to look after him or anything in that vein but I did want the man without the alcohol and that hasn't happened.
Today, you'll feel angry and later on today you may get sentimental. Today I feel nothing and later today i may feel sentimental. However, i'm enjoying the peace so I might not now! For me, it was just as though a light bulb had come on and it's so bright that I cannot ignore it. Call me Sibyl!
Sybil prophesied (with some ranting) - I would take that as a compliment because you can see how this will go in the future - that's just my take on Sybil - I assume he was referring to the ancient priestess.
Sometimes when it's all so new and just for that moment, it's really simple and purely about stopping yourself from answering that call or text.
I totally understand.
For me, the more I work at it and the more I come to these pages, read, work the program and go to meetings, i get an in sight into how much other alanon members have to live with. After reading so many stories from all of these lovely people I realise how lucky I am to have no commitments with him.
I can convince myself that he may not drink again and keep his promise (which has been made 100 times already) or I can believe what I've already seen - which is someone who is secretive about drinking, whose life is a mess and who is verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. Now, I need to work out why I was with him in the first place. I never thought he would change, i always knew that i couldn't change him. I never really wanted to look after him or anything in that vein but I did want the man without the alcohol and that hasn't happened.
Today, you'll feel angry and later on today you may get sentimental. Today I feel nothing and later today i may feel sentimental. However, i'm enjoying the peace so I might not now! For me, it was just as though a light bulb had come on and it's so bright that I cannot ignore it. Call me Sibyl! Sybil prophesied (with some ranting) - I would take that as a compliment because you can see how this will go in the future - that's just my take on Sybil - I assume he was referring to the ancient priestess.
It's so nice to find someone who can relate to everything I'm feeling!!! Thank you!!!
I WISH he was referring to me as an ancient priestess but sadly no - he was referring to me in regards to the movie Sybil starring Sally Field in 1976 I believe. HA!
