The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday in our F2F meeting, we were talking about Acceptance. As a double-winner, I have the pleasure of tons of literature from both sides of the table. This popped into my head and I promised to bring it back to the group next week. I've modified it just a bit to remove one line for As - it's considered the Acceptance Prayer. Hope this helps others - it's been a go-to for me for years!
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great page and important topic. I know that I struggled with "Acceptance" because I thought that if I accepted a thing, it meant I approved. Not so said alanon and AA- acceptance simply means that I acknowledge that this is a fact of life that I am powerless over and that I must stop trying to change fight against reality. Once I accepted this principle all sorts of solutions presented themselves. I was blocked from these thoughts because I was fighting to have my way.
Life on Life's terms is so important for me to see and accept.
Thank you so much for that prayer!!!!! reading it has saved me from doing something foolish and stupid and self righteous and the rest of those character defects that I was supposed to had my HP gladly removed from me but clearly have some left.... . I didn't react and haven't answered. Ellen after the text came I walked around in tears holding on to that bookmark and saying just for today...I hear you when you say that you're holding on by a slogan or literature. I'm also aware that I'm becoming quite tired of whining about things. Perhaps now is a good time to remind myself that I'm not that important lol! Peace.
(((geems))) -just sending a hug that you made a choice to be/do/act different - I applaud you! You reminded me how very small things that others shared forced a small pause that helped me do/be/act differently. You are well on the way to working a program that will change you more than you can know or hope!
(((Ellen))) - slogans have been a continuous mainstay in my thinking and are one of the most important parts of my program. I remember back in the beginning, folks said that I needed to practice the principles until they became 'natural'. I had my doubts, but kept doing it. I reviewed daily readings, literature, slogans and more - trying to 'study' maybe - truly just looking for peace of mind/soul. One day, a situation came up and my mind/heart started to get anxious - all of a sudden, a slogan flew into my forehead - frontal part of my brain. It truly caused me to pause and consider my options. I finally understood that when I practiced putting these tools into my life, thoughts, actions and attitudes, they would work for me in time.
(((Betty))) - so, so true - I struggled also as I viewed acceptance as weak until I learned I didn't have to like it - just accept it.
I am strange in that when I think or process, solutions pop into my brain. During our meeting, this just flew into my head. I could only remember the first part - Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am .... and my mind went blank during my share.
Love that our literature is never out of date and always grateful those who came before me were willing to share their gift of serenity to pass down to each and all of us!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great responses Geems and El. We must accept that we are important and that our recovery is a process. Remembering that each new tool that we pick up and each new concept we practice is a step toward wholeness and then place the action as part of our gratitude list for the day. I was amazed when I found myself responding to a negative situation in a different manner. It was actually from within a healthy place inside me that I did not even know existed.
Oh my!!!! I love this!!! Ive written this out in my hope for today book. Ive sent it to a few of my loved ones. Thank you. This is the steps in a nutshell.x
I'm new to alanon- I need the anonymity from this site. I feel I am 90 percent accepting yet when I feel triggered by narcissistic behavior that is so hurtful, belittling, and rejecting, it is very difficult to remain accepting. The AH in my life will know what causes me a lot of pain- for example, flirting w specific women, no mercy- w our kids in-tow, and then get angry at me that I'm not being more accepting of the woman who loves to flirt with him. I truly appreciate the truth in acceptance but how does one balance this with destructive behavior which seems to feed him/ or his ego? It truly seems like he enjoys rejection... of me or our closeness. How does one accept this when I'm not at a place of feeling accepting of behavior which feels to me like he does it because he enjoys at times the feeling like he is pushing me away or pretending I do not exist : (
Just trying to bring acceptance home in the face of internal core wounding of constant rejection from my childhood & now with two decades w the AH in my intimate family life who is narcissistic most of the time when it comes to social interactions of, " notice me, stroke me, & witness & accept my aloof behavior over & over..." Or I'll reject you even more because than I feel powerful... So very hard for me to accept this dance of pushing away, like a child who never got to be close and then pushes mommy away, so he wants to do this over & over. Any suggestions how to find acceptance within oneself when I feel so hurt, mistreated, and set aside much of the time in his self gratification whether it is drinking alcohol instead of intimacy or drinking of a woman who excites him in any given moment...Any more words of acceptance in face of emotions that tare up the insides...
Thank you
I'm new to alanon- I need the anonymity from this site. I feel I am 90 percent accepting yet when I feel triggered by narcissistic behavior that is so hurtful, belittling, and rejecting, it is very difficult to remain accepting. The AH in my life will know what causes me a lot of pain- for example, flirting w specific women, no mercy- w our kids in-tow, and then get angry at me that I'm not being more accepting of the woman who loves to flirt with him. I truly appreciate the truth in acceptance but how does one balance this with destructive behavior which seems to feed him/ or his ego? It truly seems like he enjoys rejection... of me or our closeness. How does one accept this when I'm not at a place of feeling accepting of behavior which feels to me like he does it because he enjoys at times the feeling like he is pushing me away or pretending I do not exist : ( Just trying to bring acceptance home in the face of internal core wounding of constant rejection from my childhood & now with two decades w the AH in my intimate family life who is narcissistic most of the time when it comes to social interactions of, " notice me, stroke me, & witness & accept my aloof behavior over & over..." Or I'll reject you even more because than I feel powerful... So very hard for me to accept this dance of pushing away, like a child who never got to be close and then pushes mommy away, so he wants to do this over & over. Any suggestions how to find acceptance within oneself when I feel so hurt, mistreated, and set aside much of the time in his self gratification whether it is drinking alcohol instead of intimacy or drinking of a woman who excites him in any given moment...Any more words of acceptance in face of emotions that tare up the insides... Thank you
If you read back through this, I believe you will see that you've answered many of your own questions and are seeing the power of personal recovery!
Alcoholism destroys the self-worth and self-esteem of the diseased as well as those who live with it or love one with it. By working on you and what makes you feel, think, respond, react and act a certain way restores your own power within. We learn in recovery that, "How others behave is not a reflection on me." as well as "What others think of me is not my business."
In my own experience, when I stopped reacting to the antics and crazy making behaviors of my qualifier, they stopped many of the behaviors as my reaction didn't give them the desired results.
For me, I accept that I am totally powerless over others - how they think, act, provoke, etc. I regained my personal power by working this program, and no longer allow another to take it away. I always have choices to stay put and endure or leave the room/walk away. I don't do this dramatically - I just go do something more enjoyable than watching the antics of a crazy-making qualifier. I would rather pull weeds in a garden than watch anyone else make a fool of themselves.
I QTIP - Quit Taking it Personally. I do not own any part of another's words, actions, thoughts, behaviors - even if it's my husband or my child.
Accepting that he's going to do no matter what you do or think does not ever mean you have to like it. It just means you are powerless over it. That doesn't mean you are powerless over you or how you choose to see it. As always, take what you like and leave the rest...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
hotrod wrote: I know that I struggled with "Acceptance" because I thought that if I accepted a thing, it meant I approved. Not so said alanon and AA- acceptance simply means that I acknowledge that this is a fact of life that I am powerless over and that I must stop trying to change fight against reality. Once I accepted this principle all sorts of solutions presented themselves. I was blocked from these thoughts because I was fighting to have my way.
Life on Life's terms is so important for me to see and accept.
Hotrod- this is what I needed to hear. In accepting the reality of what my AS's progression of the disease, I haven't been able to move past this because I've equated acceptance with approval. I definitely don't approve it. But I'm not in denial of what is happening to her and her health. I've been making plans and spending quality time with her, helping her when she needs it and praying to my HP. I am powerless over this situation, I know I can't change it. Acceptance has been hard, and I believe this will help me. I know I can't move on until I accept this thing in which I cannot change. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This has been an ongoing struggle. I may be able to finally make peace with this.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
(((Gabigail))) - I read your other post - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
