The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first meeting yesterday. I will go back but I'm just not sure.
One issue is that my hearing is not good enough and I missed so much. When you don't know what's going on to begin with that makes it difficult.
I didn't research it before I went. I was kind of hoping for a two way conversation type group. I have questions and need advice. Just talking about the topic of the day where feedback is not allowed seems limiting. I'm sure the rules exist for a good reason but I'm not sure if it is what I need right now.
Here's my deal. My wife is now out of rehab. I thought, great, she looks better than ever. We are going to reconnect like old times. It didn't happen. She seemed more interested in connecting with her new rehab buddies than with the man who has been caring for our special needs child for the last month. Really unfair. Feel like I need to get my own addiction so I can be cool and young.
Add to this that I think she fooled around with another girl in rehab. I don't know for sure but I know the girl was bi and I know she discussed her curiosity with the girl. In fact the girl called her "Piper" (Orange is the New Black reference) which threw red flags right in my face. Saw some questionable texts and one where my wife said, "I miss you (and me)." The "and me" seems to be a warning sign.
Anyway, whether it is her or it is me, her past has led to trust issues. I could be wrong but I am just following a familiar pattern.
I need someone to tell me how can I give her space and let her continue recovery with so many questions.
I know al anon is about me not her. How do I accept that she may still be unfaithful without causing more harm? How do I handle feeling left out of her recovery process and insignificant and, frankly, used? If not al-anon, where can I ask these questions?
A lot of this may be moot as she has asked for me to leave so we can have a break...
Congratulations on taking the step to go to a meeting - that took me too many years. I'm sorry about the hearing issue.
One way that meetings help is that when people tell their stories, you can start to see similarities to your situation, and find tools for handling them. Even getting the big picture of how it all works helps. Al-Anon people aren't supposed to give advice in meetings, but the advice kind of grows from what's being talked about.
Another way is that when you find someone who seems especially wise and helpful, you can ask them to be your sponsor. Then you get that back-and-forth interaction you are hoping for.
Al-Anon asks us not to make any decision for the first six months (unless there is physical danger), because there is so much to learn and consider. But of course for that time period we keep our wits about us. So one thing you are asking, with justification, is "What is my wife's attitude when she's out of rehab? How is she handling things?" It's true that almost nobody has it all together and is totally healthy when they're just fresh out of rehab. They're just starting their journey instead of finishing it. But you are justifiably noticing how that journey is going and what issues are going on. You can also notice whether she seems to be facing things head on or dodging them, whether she's keeping up with meetings and her sponsor, and the rest. Not because you're her warden or anything, but just because it's more information and it's good to have a true picture of the situation. The truth is that alcoholics don't really stay in the same place. She will get worse or she will get healthier. As the saying is, "More will be revealed." Meanwhile Al-Anon helps remind you that taking care of yourself is the most important thing. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Welcome CH Husband Dad, I am glad you reached out and shared your concerns. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who have coped with the insanity of the disease and need a program of recovery of their own.
Because alcoholism is a disease, many family members never feel" heard" in our interactions with the disease so that the format of the Al-Anon meetings is such so that each person will have the floor and be able to state their opinions and feelings without interruption. That is no crosstalk rule rule.
Also living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely chaotic --subjects change- arguments develop out of no where and nothing seems to get resolved.Meetings have designed subjects which people are asked to address when they share. but if they're not able to share on the topic. any topic is acceptable.
Not being able to hear is a disadvantage and I can understand that you missed quite a bit. There is usually a gathering after the meeting ends. You can have your questions answered when the meeting ends. If you want you can share what is going on, how you feel and indicate the difficulty are having. Then after the meeting you can select somebody and ask the questions that you need answered. There is also plenty of literatutre that is helpful. The daily reader Courage to Change and the book:" How Alanon Works" are great as is the bookmark:" One Day at a Time"
Al-Anon believes that we since we are powerless over people places and things that in order to recover our self-esteem and self-worth. we must relearn how to take care of ourselves in a healthy fashion. Learning to keep the focus on ourselves and letting go of negative tools that are hurting us is really important to our recovery.
Living one day at a time, keeping an open mind and being able to say what we mean without saying it mean, is extremely important.
We have online meetings here twice a day which could be very helpful, please do keep coming back.
Well, the hearing part will get resolved. I have been putting that off for probably a decade. I'm a little lazy and maybe a little vain but I need to get some type of hearing aid. It at times impacts my work so it really needs correcting anyway. I may just do online meetings until I resolve that issue.
CH Husband Dad - I too welcome you to MIP! Glad that you found us and glad that you shared. It may also help you to try another meeting if more than one is available in your area. In our meetings, the format is similar to what you describe, but we have an option at the beginning for anyone who needs a one on one meeting. If you do not hear that offered, I agree also with Betty - there are often folks who are around after the meeting, and you can clearly ask for a one on one discussion.
I am sorry for your situation and how things appear. I can tell you that early recovery is still a bit insane/chaotic. There is a chance it will be like this for a bit....just a good chance. I am sending you positive thought for peace of mind. I also understand the being 'used' - I felt that too. One thing that was great in the program is setting boundaries that were for 'me'....this really helped me with the feeling used because I took my power back and was able to say Yes or No as a complete sentence.
Keep coming back and know that you are not alone! There is hope and help for any/every scenario.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
