The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. This is my first time on the forums. I have been attending al anon for the past few months and it has helped me immensely. My husband had been in recovery for 7 months, 3 of these in intense residential rehab, he is now living in supported accommodation and attends aftercare with the same programme 3 times a week. We see him once a week where he stays overnight at the weekend. He was at aftercare today and was discussing with the group about a step he is on and how he was discussing It with me. When the group heard this they went nuts and told him he should not be discussing his recovery with me as some of the subject material would be hurtful or harmful to me. We have always been open and honest with each other throughout our marriage and he was shocked at this. He is now in a bad place where he doesn't know what to do. is this right? Is this normal? how do you and your partner deal with each other's recovery? Do you keep it secret from each other or do you discuss it? Your input would be welcomed.
HI easterjane, welcome to MIP. My wife and I have discussed various parts of each other's recovery. And we talk recovery language to each other quite a bit. We haven't had much problem with it. But many people on this forum have had problems with it, so we generally encourage each other to stay out of the others' recovery. Quite often the alcoholic isn't mature enough in early recovery, and the Co-alcoholic hasn't let go of anger yet, so talking about each other's recovery can be fraught with peril.
I don't see why there would be a hard and fast rule that says you can't discuss it with each other. If it isn't causing any problems, I don't see what the problem would be.
Thanks Kenny. Discussing each other's recovery is not causing Problems between us, if anything it's giving me and him a greater understanding of what has happened and what we need to do individually to repair ourselves. The problem seems to be with others in his group in the after care. I think maybe they have seen couples at war before as you have said and just don't want the same happening to him.
I do believe that he should bring this topic back to his group and discuss their objections openly.
I do think that discussing a rough 4th step inventory with a partner might create a problem-- After all we do not make amends to people we have harmed until the 9th Step with much recovery in between.
Welcome to MIP easterjane - glad you found us and glad that you shared.....the AA side of the program can be a bit different. There is tons more cross-talk and advice giving in my experience. He needs to do what works best for him and his recovery. I agree with Betty - understanding another's experience with this might help him assess if he should/should not continue.
This also would be a great topic with a sponsor. Getting feedback one on one is so helpful in early recovery as a group with varying opinions/experience can confuse someone easily. I am a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and my experience is similar to Kenny's. We used to discuss steps, recovery, program slogans, etc. in my home openly. As the only one still in AA/Al-Anon, it doesn't happen any longer. I do still throw out slogans if applicable and logical so it's different for everyone.
As long as he's working on himself and you're working on you, sharing about the program or not is unique to your relationship. He has not done anything wrong - please share that with him...
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My hubby absolutely refused to mention anything about his meetings to me. He would not mention the other members names. He would not introduce me to them if he were talking to them and I walked up. He basically would not acknowledge to me that he knew anything at all about his AA meetings. He didn't even let me know he was going to a meeting. It is now 16 years later. We take vacations with his sponsor and wife. He had cancer 3 times and I met a lot of his friends from his meetings at the hospital. So things have loosened up.
That said....... I now (after years of my own AlAnon meetings) don't want to hear about his meetings. I don't care about his meetings. I don't care about who he is with. I don't want to get involved with any part of his recovery. It is not my business..... and I don't want to get tangled again. ...... and we don't have a close relationship like you have with your hubby.
I say to you, keep talking with him. Let him keep talking with you. Live a program of honesty. You have a lot going on and I, frankly, envy you that.
My husband is not in AA, but I do discuss some aspects of my recovery with him. Not everything but he knows a little about what I'm processing. He discusses his abstinence and his support network with me too it helps us know where we stand -
It has been less than a year since I joined al-anon and he decided to quit drinking but we have been living with this in our relationship for over a decade. In some ways it is a relief just to talk openly about something we were in denial about for so long. I can't say if it is great for our long-term well being but for now this is working for me to have some recovery conversations with him - not easy conversations but healthy and mostly productive.
