I wrote a lot, always did. In some ways it helps me get rid of some stuff, leave it on the page so to speak, and I also like to go back to it, after some time and see how I've grown..I wrote this tonight, just because I was angry, and I wanted to get it out and pit somewhere..it felt good. No id never show my BF, or his next gf, but at some point, id like to go back, read it, and realize how much healtheir I am then when I wrote this, today. So it's long, and it's sad, but I feel good I got rid of it in a way, and I'm sure many can relate...so here it is, the letter I'd like to give his next gf...

To the next woman in his life,

Well lucky you, you have met this amazing, kind, fun man. The man I was once so head over heels for. The man I'd pledged my life to, accepted the proposal from, moved across the country for, and built the rest of my life around. I know that man now, and I knew him then. When I was all he wanted, when I was everything he needed. When I allowed him to love me, and shower me with his heart, his words, expensive gifts and trips, but mostly his want ad need for me. I knew him very well. And I know who he is today. And who he is today, is who u now have. And I use the word "have" very lightly here. Because I know what U think u see. I saw it too, long ago. The sexy brown eyes, that could undress and disarm me in seconds. The flattery, the sweetness and beautiful man he was. The words he is saying, that tell u exactly what u want to hear. The woman he makes u want to believe u are..sexy, strong, perfect, all he needs, the woman who he's been waiting for. Sure, drink that up. Tell yourself, I can be all for him. I can save him, I can set him free. He loves me, he wants me, he needs me. Because he told me so. It is enthralling, all encompassing..it sucks u in and gives u a sense of greatness and power..he is that good at what he does. And u will eat up every word. Every dinner invite, every trip, gift, flirty text, you will take it all and make it your life, your truth. Why wouldn't u? I did. Gladly.

But let me tell you something that I wished to god someone had told me all those years ago. He is very very good at what he does. He is a master manipulator, mostly of women. He will build u up to a place you didn't even believe existed..but u do now. It's how he wants it. It's what he needs to make u believe. And believe, u will. And there u will be, up so high on the pedestal u allowed him to put you. You are now everything to him. Different from all the others, that came before you. I was different once too. And safe you will feel, perfect. But, what happens when he begins to see what he created as a threat to himself? This incredibly insecure, self destructive man, who lurks behind all of that goodness..how will he handle this now? He cannot be less then, no, that doesn't work for him. So he must destroy what he once created. That will make him better..as his sickness grows, he will need to make sure, u know, u are no better then he is, even tho, yes, you are. So then it starts, the slow dissection of your own self worth. The one he made u believe in. Slowly, he starts to not be so kind, affectionate, loving. He begins to now target you, and u wont even see it coming. He will begin to withdraw, but u won't completely see how. He will begin to text you less, shorter answers to yours, more time between responses. You will tell yourself, he is busy, he does have this big job, I can't do harm to that. Such a good father and provider he is...you will pretend u don't notice, that when he now walks in the door, his eyes won't meet yours, they'll be no greeting kiss. And you will tell yourself, "I'm being silly, this is just a new stage in our relationship". Yes, it is, it's called when he begins to watch u unravel, and when u blame yourself for it, because he does too. You will start to realize that he doesn't come home to u so quickly anymore. He now stops at the bar, any bar, that allows him to drink his courage that will allow him to arm himself in his planned destruction of you. And when he does come home, after u know u have text him one too many times, which has made him angry, he will make a drink now, even before he removes his jacket. Again, u will tell yourself, he's stressed, he has a big deal job, it's tax season, he had a bad day, his ex wife pissed him off, he lost a client, and, I'm m not good enough now. Yea, u will probably land on that last one. It's how he wants it. 

And then there will be the nights when he drinks enough, where u can literally pinpoint the moment he crosses that line..and u start to recognize his eyes changing, the lights going out in them, the voice getting deeper. And U will learn to start fearing those times. Because it is then he will do the most damage. Not to himself, god no, to you. You will tip toe around him, because u have learned to do so, trying not to stir the pot. But he will find his moment to strike, and strike he will, with the accuracy of the finest marksman. Suddenly, the man who used such beautiful prose to make you feel so good, will now hurl at u, verbal assaults that you simply cannot believe. But you will. You will believe him now, when he tells you you are nothing, tells you to just leave, go, best thing that could happen to him, is to watch you leave. As he tells you that you are crazy, pathetic, disgusting...as he looks at you with hatred, as you begin to cry, you will wonder why he doesn't stop, and embrace you, and take all the pain away, the way he used to. The way you surely would for him or anyone you loved. And you will begin to sink lower, as his attack continues, the way he needs u to do. And then, it will occur to you, after enough nights like this, that when you most need him, he isn't there, and how incredibly alone you now feel, as he sits inches from you, swaddled in his drunken suit of armor. One you will never break through. Oh you will try, I did. But as you do, he smells your weakness, and this is where he shines. This is when he feels strong. But you won't see that. You won't see anything, except a cruel, scary man, who wants nothing more then to push you further down, as he remains safe in his drunk, nasty, pathetic bubble. This is when I actually feel sorry for you. Because it is the saddest, loneliest, most crushing place to be. I know this. I lived there many many times. And this punishment is simply for loving and trusting the wrong man.

And here you will exist for a while. You are now his pawn. You now tell yourself you're a needy, insecure woman, and he won't want that. Here's where u are wrong, it is exactly what he wants..because it is then, in that stage, where he starts to believe his own bullshit, and he starts to feed off of the weakness and fear you are now giving off. But also, as this clusterfuck of manipulation will cause, he will tire of you, lose respect for you, he will be bored. So this begins his next tactic..the one where he needs more now, and he doesn't look back to you for it. He won't try to rebuild the woman he did once love, admire, want. He will now look elsewhere. Anywhere. Trust me when I tell you, I do mean anywhere. And you begin to notice he is always on his phone, texting, emailing..always has it on him, changes the password when u are clever enough, locks it when he leaves the room. But this is when you fall prey to his next plan...to make you feel paranoid, crazy. Are you? When you finally do see the texts from another woman that he forgot to erase, when you are more clever then he, and you uncover his extracurricular activities, when your heart breaks into pieces at his disgusting, disrespectful behavior, you're not so crazy, are you? Should be enough for you, right? You saw him with her, you knew they were at a hotel all afternoon, you called and asked for his room, and they put you right thru..u even saw them walk back from the ferry together, laughing and dancing that dance of secrets and passion, the one you and he once danced together. And you will brace yourself and confront him, crying, because you ache, your heart is shattered. He will tell you, and hold you, and swear it was nothing. Yes he will, you know he will. But he doesn't do that, does he. As you plead and beg, at this point, so pathetic, u r just looking for some sliver of regret from him...as u tell yourself you deserve better, and you do, as you ask yourself, "what am I doing?? What have I become??"...he may offer some shred of an apology, and u will grab onto it like it is the oj Simpson confession from oj himself. And yes, he knows this too. And as it continues to happen, as his promises of faithfulness continue to remain empty...you will expect less and less from him. And you will expect even less then that, for and from yourself. He has now not only broken your spirit and self worth, he has now made u believe u do not even deserve his loyalty. His promises now, have shown themselves to be nothing more then a springboard for his lies. And he does not care..worse, neither do you.

This is a bottom, so to speak. You know, the one you keep wondering if he can ever find? Well you're not sick, so you have yours, and maybe this is it. Should be, right? He doesn't even care to hide it anymore. Why should he? It's his world now, and you are just a willing victim. He even now gets angry at you when you react to his cruelty and abuse and lies and cheating ways. It's your problem. You are why he drinks now too. You are the reason he is unhappy, you are his biggest regret and his worst enemy. Congratulations, you have played his game perfectly. He has made you so nothing, so desperate, so low, that he doesn't have to do a mother fucking thing now. Except whatever he pleases to do. My god, how did this happen? You will ask yourself that..you may even try to find still, some good here..and he may even allow that. You require so little now, he can simply breathe and you will feel vindicated, satisfied. Yea, it feels real good right about now, doesn't it?

Congrats, u are now me..but I'm not her anymore. I'm nothing like you, as you are now. I was, God knows, but I grew out of this, I found myself again, and I got out. I still love him, more then you may even. I miss him. But I know I don't miss what he became. I'm not sorry for a single moment tho. Because in my darkest moments, I found more of myself then I probably ever would have in the light. And that was his worst fear..and that was my savior. Me. Just me. I got away. And he remained in his lost, sick, twisted, pathetic existence..on to the next one..you, I suppose. But if you are finding what your are reading here, just a little to close to the truth..you are no longer the next one. You are the one he has chosen to cast aside, like a tshirt he no longer likes. You are nothing to him now. And at the same time, you are the biggest threat he knows. Because you got too close, and you now know exactly what he is..and he cannot and will not allow that. You're done.

Good luck, I mean this. And consider yourself warned..