The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I was sad because my daughter relapsed after being out of rehab for 13 days. I know I can do nothing. However, she called be a few minutes ago and she drank again today. Again I can do nothing about that. She is depressed and getting more so. Now she is thinking of all the bad things; relapse, no job, got kicked out of her outpatient program for last night because they smelled alcohol on her breath, all the bad mistakes she has made, etc. She feels she must share this with me and I don't want to hear it. I have heard it all before, many times. But what do I say to her? She is my daughter. I am trying so hard to turn this over to my HP. It is so hard.
(((((((((((((MFran))))))))))))) It is hard to know what to do when they are drinking and calling us. I use to ask if she had called her sponsor and would encourage her to do that. Reaching out to their sponsor is so important for their recovery. Encourage her to get to her AA meeting too asap. I learned here too that telling them once is okay but telling them something more than once is controlling. I am always thrilled when my daughter reaches out to me. I learned to keep my mouth shut and my heart open. The hard part for me was when she would call in the middle of the night drunk and talking nonsense :( I would come online to the chatroom here for support when that would happen. It was so upsetting to me and I would become almost hysterical at times too. She would be in a black out and wouldn't remember calling me too. Sometimes she would end up in jail that same night too and I wouldn't find out until the next day :( This is such a horrible disease! WE need to take care of us and keep the focus on us too. I said the serenity prayer alot and realized the things I could not change. My daughter did and does know that I do believe in her though. I would always tell her I loved her any chance I could get and when sober would tell her I believed in her. There are times when we need to hang up on them too when they are drunk and calling. That part I was never good at and that has to do more with the boundaries you set up for you. Well, all I can do is share my experience with you and that is what I am trying to do. My heart goes out to you now MFran. I wish I was there to sit with you and give you a hug and support. I will be thinking of you and saying prayers that all turns out well. Keep us posted and keep reaching out. Never lose hope either. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxo
I just was reading some of your other posts and didn't realize your daughter is 26. I knew she was young though. My daughter is almost 22 and I just want to tell you how much emapthy I can feel for you. My daughter is recoverying from both alcohol and drugs and it has been a long painful haul for me too. I am hoping that you can be here for me someday too if she may relapse. I just hate this disease! It is hereditary from all sides of her family tree and I use to blame myself for giving birth to her. I came to alanon almost 3 years ago now. We do not have naranon in my town and I wish they did. I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best! WE need to hang in for each other. cdb xoxoxoxo
cbd, Thanks so much for your response. Unfortunately she does not yet have a sponsor. I did suggest she go to an AA meeting. She said she knows she should and knows what she should do, but just doesn't want to. I told her that I know she knows what to do. I told her that she is smart. I told her that she needs to make the right decision (and that she knows what that is) and take ownership of it. I just don't like talking to her when she has been drinking. She just keeps repeating things and saying bad things about herself. No mother wants to hear that. If you read all of my posts, you will know that she had a seizure due to alcohol withdrawal about 2 months ago. Because of the seizure she lost her license for a while. She also got a dui about 1 1/2 years ago. Well, she was driving last night after drinking. Again, there is nothing I can do. I am really tired of this.
I really appreciate your support. I am so happy for your daughter to be clean and sober.
always said it would be the worst to have your child be A. If you want to listen do. but if you don't, what i do is put a boundary up.
Tell the A what you want and do not want.
the book getting them sober would help you. volume one. It really helps ya to see that helping her makes it worse. If we really love them, we have to allow them to make their own mistakes.
when she complains to you, all you have to say, if you like, is, "You know what to do honey, I love you."
It is what i tell my A. simple and quick.
she is not drinking becuz she is depressed. She is drinking becuz she has a disease. I feel so sad for you and her. picture her in hp's hands. It is allwe can do.
praying for you both, keep coming here hon, love,debilyn
I have been one who is over empathic with others and under empathic with myself. I gave till I bled, was exhausted and fed up tot he gills with resentment. I dont' think that was giving now I think it was compulsive.
Finding limits was important for me. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired means something to me now. I now I have to acknowledge that and take care of it. Right now I am coming out of a period of total emotional exhaustion. I know I have to do whatever it takes to get through that and take care of me. I know when I meet people and they sink in the message that I have to take care of them in some way I am having my button pushed. I have to set limits on how many of them I have in my life. The A is one of them. I have had to learn to set up lots of boundaries to his button pushing. Before I gave till I bled, now I give only when I can. There is a difference. I justified my exhausting myself by some messages like he needed me, he had no one else, he was my partner, my significant other and more. These days I am not sure how long I want him to be my significant other and I am working on ways to make him less significant in my life.
What do you have to give to you in your life? I have discovered I need many things to give to me not just give myself away. This room is one of them where I get so much I am so very grateful for.
I am a newby to the board and also to this new, confusing world. My 31 year old son has been drinking and fight depressing for some time now, but over the last year realized that he is an alcoholic. He is a very smart man with two masters degrees, I guess that is why it has been so difficult for my husband and I to understand how he can just toss life to the wind. He has been in counciling for about 5 visits now and had made a few visits to AA meetings, but cannot get past step 1. He believes that he can drink a few beers and be ok, but he again has been at a 'friends' house where we think he has drank and slept the weekend away. We went to his last counciling session and it did help us some. She told us there was nothing we could do to make him stop, he had to do that on his own. We have to take care of ourselves and realize this. We love him so much and it kills us to see his life like this. Our hope is in God, and we are believing for a breakthrough, we just need the patience to wait and pray he doesn't do anything to hurt himself or someone else in the meantime. I too hate this disease. I always thought of it as a physical problem, but am seeing it now as more of a mental problem that can not only destroy the A but the ones that love them. I am glad I found your board to be able to talk to others that have children going through this. Thanks for being here. B.
Yesterday I was sad because my daughter relapsed after being out of rehab for 13 days. I know I can do nothing. However, she called be a few minutes ago and she drank again today. Again I can do nothing about that. She is depressed and getting more so. Now she is thinking of all the bad things; relapse, no job, got kicked out of her outpatient program for last night because they smelled alcohol on her breath, all the bad mistakes she has made, etc. She feels she must share this with me and I don't want to hear it. I have heard it all before, many times. But what do I say to her? She is my daughter. I am trying so hard to turn this over to my HP. It is so hard.