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Hi, I have found enormous support and faith on this board, so I feel comfortable in sharing this..anyway, my fiancé, is an alcoholic, and it's gotten pretty difficult. He knows he needs help, as do I..and we are slowly getting there. Anyway, I have in the past shared with his ex wife, my concerns, and she has never been anything but supportive. Today I wrote her, that I was really struggling, and if I ever need to simply leave, I want to know someone who loves him and their children, besides me, would be there. obviously this would be her. Never was there jealousy or anything bad between us. I have shared with her in the past things of this nature with him, and she has been great. So today, we emailed back and forth about this, she spoke of helping him, contacting his mom etc..I said whatever u think, it's all new to me. It was fine, until the minute she decided to share with fiancé, all of this and freak out in him As well..."u need help", "u are going to die" etc...and suddenly, he texts me, "did you email (ex) about me!?" And he was pissed. I was floored. I text her, did you let him know?? She lied, and said no. He showed me their convo, she wrote "just ask your girlfriend about the emails..." And I was shocked. He calmed down, but she continued to lie to me about that, and focused in on my damn engagement ring, which was pretty pricey..asking where it was, telling me if leave, I need to leave the ring..I said that's of zero concern to you, and none of your business, and she just couldn't let it go. Telling me, you're leaving and u asked me to handle this, so I will, just leave the ring. I still cannot figure this out..can anyone share any insight here? I did not tell my fiancé about this, but he has actually refused to take it back..and even told me to sell it and keep the money. I'm just shocked..any advice would be great! Oh, and she may be an alcoholic as well...fyi
Alcoholism affects the non-drinkers as well, in one way this is through enmeshment, where there are no or overlapping boundaries between each others lives. I can think of few circumstances where a current partner needs share life circumstances with an ex partner, about the partner. I understand the desire and alanon is a great way of examining our own motivations in our actions. We learn what is ours to take care of and what is another's. To me, this is a boundary issue, of which I have overstepped many, never meaning to harm, but simply not knowing any different. I was raised in enmeshment.
Keep coming back.
I have had similar thoughts about contacting my husband's old girlfriend and, in effect, handing my husband over to her but when I look at my motives none of them are ideal - even the one's that I think are caring. For instance, if I did leave my husband it would be up to him who he contacts, hangs out with etc and it absolutely isn't my job to control his future. I'm pretty sure that I would just be unleashing new drama, although I can feel the temptation to do that, darn it - more work required!!! I'm fairly sure that these thoughts come to me when I'm just frustrated and tired and in need of something and they are really a lesson in boundaries and thinking things through - I don't have to act on all my thoughts!!!
Its an awful disease and this is the insanity of it in all your behaviours. To me, discussing your partner with his ex is understandable but dangerous because her loyalties most likely lie with her children and what's best for them and if hes the father then she will want the best deal out of him for them. Unlikely to be much of a deal with an active drinker though. You got caught talking about him behind his back, it might be worth owning up and apologising for that one. If you need to go somewhere to talk and a safe place then go to Alanon meetings.
The idea that all of you work out a plan of 'care' for a grown man is typical when dealing with an alcoholic but not very dignified for him. This is enabling, babying him, taking on the role of his Mother and is keeping the disease alive and kicking for him. I hope you get some recovery because it helps us see whats really going on and how to begin focusing on ourselves and letting a grown man live exactly how he chooses consequences and all.
Hi NYC It is understandable that this unfolded as it did. That is why it is suggested that we connect with alanon people and share our pain and issues with them It is with these strangers, who understand as few others can ( who are are committed to guarding the anonymity of each other, so we can grow and feel safe enough to share) that change can happen and we can learn to make our own healthy decisions.
Your husband can reach out to AA people for the same type of support.
I have no experience in this type of scenario, but am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. These are similar situations that I unintentionally found myself in before recovery. Talking about issues in an alcoholic relationship with others outside of the program just never served me well at all. I'm with Betty - find some meetings as that is where you will find others who truly understand, listen without judgment and offer hope in the program.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm fairly sure that these thoughts come to me when I'm just frustrated and tired and in need of something and they are really a lesson in boundaries and thinking things through - I don't have to act on all my thoughts!!!