It sounds as if he doesn't really understand what the fear of relapse can do to a loved one, and why.  It also sounds as if he's too defensive to want to understand.

I totally understand it, as I had it for years.  And it's miserable.  One thing is that we really don't have to be hypervigilant - because if they do start using again, chances are high that it will be very obvious before too long.  But there's also another strand to it, which is that when we suspect they might be using again, we can very sad and troubled.  I'm guessing there's some of that in your response too.  I don't know what the helpful way to cope with that is.  I think others will be along to give good ESH.  But just to say that I so understand where you're coming from.

Hopeful - I understand entirely where you are coming from however, for me, my sponsor would never allow me to confront my qualifier about what they are/are not doing and are/are not disclosing. When I talk about them vs. how I am doing, she kindly and consistently redirects me. If we are to recover from the affects of the disease, we truly have to redirect our thoughts when they go towards others back to us.

I understand where he is coming from also only because I have experience with getting sober, being sober and staying sober. His recovery is his job and his 'side of the street'. We practice living one day at a time (both programs), so for one to get sober and stay sober for an extended time, it's annoying to be questioned. What we hear is, "Because of your past, no matter what you are doing today, you can not be trusted." Most A's suffer from low self-esteem too, so it doesn't take much to feel defeated in efforts.

I went with a program friend to her Doctor appointment today because she wanted a second set of ears. She's already got chronic pain from a car accident a while ago, and is having issues with a foot. She's been in several times and is missing out on her quality of life because of this foot pain. Long story short, I've always considered her very intense. When she broke down in tears at this appointment, I realized that she's not intense and in need of 'lightening up on life' - she's in chronic, perpetual pain. This is the 2nd person I've encountered recently in this scenario, and it explained bunches to me - and I now have great empathy for their lot in life with this perpetual pain.

What I had to do when I suspected something was 'off' was talk with my sponsor first. This saved me tons of anguish, worry, paranoia and slippage in Al-Anon. There were times where she suggested I do nothing for a day/two and then there were times where she felt my concern was valid and helped me formulate a non-confrontational way to discuss. Even as the mother of 2 of my qualifiers, unless they asked me to help them manage their prescriptions, I was never allowed to ask, count, or discuss. They are adults and have to do their journey in spite of me and my worries/insecurities/fears.

Any type of chronic pain is very frightening for recovering folks. We fully understand the risks of medicating and relapse, and have to decide what's worse - the chronic pain or some type of pain management. If he (or any) truly wanted to get altered, all he has to do is buy cough syrup or mouthwash - fast, cheap and effective.

So - my best suggestion is to get back to your program, your meetings and your HP and leave him to his. Stay in the present moment and work on you. Back to the three C's - whatever is or is not happening is not your fault, outside of your control and not yours to cure. If you can, find your peace and then hold on to it for all it's worth. Don't let others have the power over your thoughts, actions, reactions and emotions. This situation that you describe is the perfect talk to a sponsor first scenario!

Take what you like and leave the rest!