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Hi all, i have really been digging in to recovery big time since i laid the boundaries down with my AS a week ago along with what we aren't willing to do anymore. no more money,etc. Right at that time, my son was evicted, with no job and about the hit the homeless shelter. i am heartsick over it but know in my soul that we had to STOP enabling in all forms. Ive immersed myself in all of the positive affirmations and validation on this site so to keep me strong until it feels ok. from what I know, alcoholism is not a moral issue and I want to be able to let my son know that this is not a punishment were setting down, but we have got to get out of the way of him helping himself and that we love him. I wrote him a very short sentence in a message we love you very much son - i hadn't heard from my son in many days - not like him = and my negative thoughts were getting the best of me. i was turning it over to God constantly to gain some relief. Well, he just messaged me with i love you guys too. im glad to know he is alright but i also want to respond to my son without opening the door to enabling again. on one hand i think you don't have to say anything back, on the other hand I have this urge to SAY something. I know a big part of it is that i want to again let him know hes not alone and to somehow get his Problem drinking on the table to start feeling him out. I almost feel like I want to fix his feelings....im a little foggy in this area....new terrain for me. Any ESH would be so appreciated. Thank you for being here.
Hitting rock bottom is the best thing for your son to admit that he needs help and to turn his life around. There comes a time when you have to break those ties in order for it to happen. In all of this, lean on your HP, praying for your son. I can speak from experience in a slightly different way. My AS was literally dying, drinking so heavily. I actually left, and it was through that where my A admitted to herself and others that she was an alcoholic. I am the enabler in our "toxic tango", so I realized through prayer I needed to get out of God's way. Otherwise, she would have died. She needed help and worked on getting it herself. But she always knew I had her back. It's been a hard road, still dealing with physical attributes that may never go away. The next step is for her to go to AA. I got to my programs and work it to get me healthy. And she's noticing and wanting the hope I have. Our circumstances are still bad, but it can only go up from here (plus, it's only been a couple of months). Stay strong by leaning on your HP and definitely come back here. The support will help you get through the darker times. Peace to you.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
seahorselady - it's OK to tell him you're thinking of him. It's OK to tell him you miss him. One thing we say in our program is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean." It took practice in the program to be able to accept them exactly as they are now, and love them without getting sucked back in. It's also OK to not respond. Recovery is a personal journey - there is no perfect answer for every scenario that comes up - we just focus on being the best version of us we can be. Progress, not perfection!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Another great go-to when their is crazy-making going on is the shortened serenity prayer ... I say this in my head over and over and over again at times - "Bless Them, Change Me!"
Keep coming back seahorselady - there is always hope!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You're welcome.....I can't remember where I got that but someone before me. It's helped me just keep my mouth shut and recenter.....it's a great gift!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have eventually learned that my AD does better when I do nothing . That was a really difficult thing to understand and embrace. I thought I could help her, fix her, let her know again and again that she was not alone. She knew that. Nothnig changed until she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. She is now 8 months sober. Things are not perfect but they are so much better. I had the opportunity to attend an open meeting with her recently and had the realization while sitting there that all those people in the room, those strangers had what she needed, , I did not. All I can do is continue to love and support her in sobriety and step away from the chaos. It is a mighty struggle to surrender that instinct to save your child but it was the best thing I ever did for her and myself.
Keep coming back sh,it's one day at a time ,one min or sec,at a time,I also use the short version of bless them change me and has helped me in lots of sit,,,,,,....hugs lu
Thank you for sharing this. That is exactly how I feel. I want to have a connection with my son so badly - but I can only say a few words and then I dont even know what to say next....really im afraid to open up any dialog ...i really cant handle hearing that hes in a homeless shelter etc. Im not strong enough to hear that and not want to fix it. I am trying tho. Im here instead of trying to fix his situation which he is the author of. I pray to God that my head will take over my heart right now. Thnks for listening.
