The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have the want and desire to be able to talk(and write)in a manner that is held to be an ideal. With and in all that I say and express in a nonverbal way. Unfortunately I was raised in a dysf family and stayed and worked in the family busness because I couldn't figure out how to make it out in the world. I didn't know how to interpret the difference from the jailed in life I had led for 30 something yrs being caregiver,etc. I feared talking to anyone cause I knew that it was different but didn't know why. I had a deep knowing that where I came from was terribly dysfunctional or it wouldn't have hurt so much ALL the time. And self esteem was non existent. Not many people have tooo much tolerance for people that don't know any better or bother to find out whats underneath. They assume U are old enough and should of learned growing up. Another ideal not being reality. No one wants much responsibility to help those stumbling out of that type environment to help them. You are already supposed to know. I have never had a drinking problem. Come to find out in my attempts to struggle to find my way after being thrown out in the world without any help alone, and falling on my face and other things, some people percieved me to be drunk or on drugs and I was niether. I couldn't tell it myself. I must of learned it from symbiosis or being bonded to those that did and in trying to survive had to learn the only way allowed to not rock the boat. I don't have a bottle or a pill to stop using to start my fixing or to blame it on. NOW WHAT. Feedback now becomes imperative to be able to adjust what I learned from dysf to functional. Most people don't take the time to find out why you screwed up much less that it may have been unintentional. I spent over 10 yrs, 16 boxes of books, Several yrs in 12 step programs, 6 semesters in college, 2 years of therapy that I got burnt real bad from, Social Worker diagnosed with drug problem who can diagnose without doing tests which I requested to prove I'm not, and on and on . Finally a few yrs ago another councelor I was brave enough to chance again told me I could benefit from intensive outpatient therapy. I was finally qualified for disability for major depression,PTSD,chronic pain,etc.,but you don't get medicare for 2 yrs and medicaid wouldn't cover it.
In the meantime I have had to struggle to survive in a world trying to figure out how to communicate in a world that hasn't much patience for imperfection no matter what the reason. Its my responsibility . In some ways I've hardened again because I haven't found much kindness for my particular problem. I asked the HP to help me find some people who have been thru what I have been thru so I wouldn't think I was crazy and that this has happened to others. Over a 2 yr period I met 5 other women that shared with me and I with them as we passed in life. Then I had my answer. I realized later I only asked to meet them, I didn't add have a friendship with. So just this last Dec I became eligable for Medicare and am so in the throws of surviving Katrina I haven't been able to settle in a place where I can do that yet. In Jan06 a moving neighbor gave me a bed,sofa,and this old windows98 computer to reach out as I have no transportation and the agencies getting all the money are dragging their feet not getting me relocated and FEMA is putting me thru a different kind of H... I've been here 7 mths and just this wk got the 2nd 3 months rental assistance. Where is the lite? Will I see the street again 1st ? Some of us are more fortunate than others even at trying to get recovery. My communication difficulties are still in place THANK HP NOT AS BAD, even after all I learned. All learning can't come from books. Its a help especially when you don't have many real people to do it with and you have a warped experience of how people treat each other and stay living in the dysf for others to assume or think its OK. Now I have to learn to undo the inapproapriatly learned behavior and defensiveness thats automatic most of the time,especially under pressure, that some interpret as rude. Should I give up ? I percieve myself to be a kind,warm-hearted, caring person that saved themself to have somein life and I'm 52 and still struggling to feel it. Maybe my body language will match whats in my someday.
Can I be here with patience and tolerance and guidence ????????? I don't always know how to say things approapriately but I want to with ALL MY
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Glad to see you here. I think all you can do is to reach out, and trust that your higher power will give you what he thinks you need. May not be what YOU think you need, there's the catch!
Have you had any luck finding a face to face meeting that you can get to? They can give you personal support, which is so important,and also give you alanon literature to read. You will find that you DO have choices, even if the only choice, is which attitude will you face the world with?
And thank you. I have no transportation and know no one here . No busses. I thought there was a level of personal here from what I've seen. I have the AlA and some stuff that wasn't flooded as I used to go to 12 steps and is why I came here cause I thought I'd be welcome . As I've put in most of my posts I've been to 12 steps in the past and am not totally new to them. Do you think I belong on the ACA board? I've tried to be supportive here.
__________________
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Welcome to MIP! Glad u r here. Thanks for the post. I also grew up in a very dsfunctional famiy and at 45 am trying to finally find some recovery. I find everyone here totally supportive. I do however attend f2f meetings weekly. I have made many friends there too. Welcome again.
Hey you are doing great as far as I can see! Your communication, and telling how you feel are perfect.
You know what I see? I see a lady who is waaaaay too hard on herself. Look at all you have accomplished. College is not easy, therapy is very painful. You have gained more than you realize I bet.
I want to tell you to be happy to be you. Look at your uniqueness. What do you like about you? I met lots of other ladies at College. I went back in my late fourties. I loved the ones who were not afraid to be themselves and had a fun difference to them.
Most all families are dyfunctional in some way or another. I want to see ya forgive yourself for not knowing what ever it is you think you are suppose to know.
Start one day at a time. Maybe you could volunteer somewhere. While keeping busy, watch people. I spent so much time in the nursing home with my gma recently. I tell ya I met some characters. It was wonderful. Most people walk in and quickly out. I loved the ones who brought dad his dog who would start barking and run down the halls and into others rooms. I would love to volunteer and help feed people or just sit and talk to people.
If you like quiet, the library is a good place to, to see people. Maybe what you will see, is you are not so different.
I loved people who laugh real loud and tease. I am not the norm and I am glad. If I want to wear my overalls and a sweatshirt, I do. I feel most comfy that way. I also where my nice amythist jewelry too, do my hair sorta and put on some mascara. It is ME. I like me.
One thing I did years ago was be part of a womans therapy group through the mental health dept. It was so wonderful. Did that for years.
The classes that helped me a lot were womens issues classes.
All I know is I am glad you are here. You stand out as being very special. I hope you can embrace your uniqueness. Just be the warm, kind person you are. I loved what ya made for Rosie btw.
and 
in all that I say and express in a nonverbal way. Unfortunately I was raised in a dysf family and stayed and worked in the family busness because I couldn't figure out how to make it out in the world. I didn't know how to interpret the difference from the jailed in life I had led for 30 something yrs being caregiver,etc. I feared talking to anyone cause I knew that it was different but didn't know why. I had a deep knowing that where I came from was terribly dysfunctional or it wouldn't have hurt so much ALL the time. And self esteem was non existent. Not many people have tooo much tolerance for people that don't know any better or bother to find out whats underneath. They assume U are old enough and should of learned growing up. Another ideal not being reality. No one wants much responsibility to help those stumbling out of that type environment to help them. You are already supposed to know. I have never had a drinking problem. Come to find out in my attempts to struggle to find my way after being thrown out in the world without any help alone, and falling on my face and other things, some people percieved me to be drunk or on drugs and I was niether. I couldn't tell it myself. I must of learned it from symbiosis or being bonded to those that did and in trying to survive had to learn the only way allowed to not rock the boat. I don't have a bottle or a pill to stop using to start my fixing or to blame it on. NOW WHAT. Feedback now becomes imperative to be able to adjust what I learned from dysf to functional. Most people don't take the time to find out why you screwed up much less that it may have been unintentional. I spent over 10 yrs, 16 boxes of books, Several yrs in 12 step programs, 6 semesters in college, 2 years of therapy that I got burnt real bad from, Social Worker diagnosed with drug problem who can diagnose without doing tests which I requested to prove I'm not, and on and on . Finally a few yrs ago another councelor I was brave enough to chance again told me I could benefit from intensive outpatient therapy. I was finally qualified for disability for major depression,PTSD,chronic pain,etc.,but you don't get medicare for 2 yrs and medicaid wouldn't cover it.