The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have finally had it. My daughter, 38 years old and living with my wife and I for 7 months, had come home again intoxicated, middle of the afternoon, despite the warnings and agreement that we had with her when she moved back in. My marriage is stressed because I had not stood by my word from the onset. She has done this a half dozen times. I can't handle this. It is taking its toll on my wife and my health also.
My issue here,is putting her out and the tremendous guilt I feel. It is heart wrenching. My life is full of stress when she lived under my roof, wondering when she would be drunk again, afraid to look at her or stand to close to her so i wouldn't smell anything, and the tremendous stress now that she is out. The constant worrying about her and the struggle she must feel.My job as her Dad has always been to protect her.She watched a nasty divorce between her Mom ( an alcoholic) and myself. She was hurt by this. Really didn't come out till later, via alcohol. She is a good person, was always kind but alcohol has changed her dramatically.
The history of alcohol and her run back to her teens and 2 children later,who thank God have great fathers,this has been a long time coming.
I am sick with guilt and worry. If anybody can help me with this, I would so much appreciate your time.
I'm dealing with this also, but with my son's father.
It's hard, but when you have tried everything you can think of and being there for them isn't working. Sometimes you have to let them figure it out on their own. It's really tough. And I don't want to have the guilt of, if only I let him stay in the house this or that wouldn't have happened. Especially when someone's life is on the line. The best thing someone told me was I was also killing him by letting him stay...
You can't make an alcoholic do anything. They make their own choices, you make your own. You want to be happy then be happy. If it means setting up a boundary that she can't be in the house if she is drinking then you need to do that for you.
Welcome to MIP K78333 - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I have two sons who qualify me for Al-Anon, and I understand where you are. I was able to let go of all my guilt, shame, sadness, despair and more by going to Al-Anon and working the steps/program to the best of my ability. We who live with or love an alcoholic are affected as much, if not more at times than them. We develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and enable bad behavior, while trying to be 'helpful'. It took me a while to understand that I did not put them out of the home - the made that choice by non-compliance with agreed upon rules.
I encourage you to find the alanon website and search for local meetings and attend. It truly helped me and the support from others who understand what we go through and live with is unbelievable. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured. It can be arrested through recovery and abstinence but the A has to want recovery. The disease is also considered a family disease as hardly nobody is unaffected by living with it.
You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
