The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am sick AGAIN with my back spasms....this attack was a big one...so of course i have time to think...to reflect....to "look at me--my thinking--my attitudes"......
as i am sick i am thinking of MY thinking of the program, et al and i came up with the following conclusion
i thought that the program would bring me magic...change my mind (which it has) ...change my karma...life was gonna be sweet to me...better to me since i am recoverying....all the bible promises, like "recompense what was robbed of me" yada yada yada .....reading all those promises in the bible, and hearing my loving and well meaning christian friends say, to give me MORE hopes. "oh hes got an awsome pay back for me in THIS life" so the christians say, and on and on....and i am getting all this "hope" for the BIG happy deliverence.....happy ending and all.......and at BEST , life is being "quiet" as far as unwanted events.....
well as i lay on my back, i too realize that God does NOT interfer in our affairs here on earth.....he did not interfer when my father chose to rape me for 8 years....he did not interfer when i chose to numb that pain with alcohol/ drugs/ fantasy/ control, and over eating etc........
its like he /she / it is saying "ok, i did what i was gonna do for U 2000 years ago (cross/ resurrection) now make it work".......use what tools u can find and go for it!!!
i no longer blame God for the evil that befell me ( i used to curse/ blame/ hate him) now i put the blame SQUARELY where it belongs...on the evil doer i just figure it was the perp's choice to embrace darkness ....just like it is my choice to recover/embrace the light......CHOICE!!!!!
as to the program???? there is NO magic.......the ONLY guarantee i see i am going to get is 1---- i will learn to love/ treat me better...........2----my karma is my karma but i can learn (with alanon tools-12steps) to COPE better........in otherwords if hardship and being alone and poor is my life chart, i can make my peace with it and take care of me better, cop a better attitude about it with my program training.....if anything the 12STEPS are my bible............
right now i am concerned that my back can possibly keep getting worse and maybe i will bcome disabled from these spasms i keep getting......the old rose would have cursed god for yet ANOTHER mis fortune...she would have railed at it....cursed and blamed God for yet another "blessing"....fell into a pity session , felt the victim and being HELPLESS
however , the new rosie CAN and WILL do what she can to try and "save it" to try and not lose the tennis by doing SOMETHING to help me like 1---lose the exess weight around my middle which contributes i am sure to the "throwing out my back"......2----try to do excercises to strengthen my back muscles if i can stay healed long enough between spasms to do it........3----work on my emotional pain and try to learn relaxation methods.......4----practice better posture......if i can afford it??? see a chiropractor .....whever i can do, but keep in mind that it may not work......NO expectations!!! NO thinking about miracles--- that only is in the movies.......
in other words, instead of cursing/ fighting/ resisting my situation...i can DO EVERYTHING i can to prevent disability......i have to work....at least till i am 70 b4 i can make enuf SS to get by on....so i need my body to be mobile........yesterday i was so sick w/these spasms i coudn't go to work....today, lots of pain, but i am at work cuz i needed to be..........
this program has taught me that life does not get better necessarily but i can get better with ME the program, however, DOES teach me how to love/ accept myself more......AND to cope with life's disasters better......i can apply my program tools and work my options better, IF there is an option....i may have to just "walk away" sometimes NOT giving the karma any energy is enough to resolve it or lessen it or it goes away on its own.......
on top of my back injuries, i had a dog with pretty bad diahrea.....well she is now past it and now the NEXT dog had it this am.....all over the front hall......well i vented the feelings and than i just said outloud "ok, demons, do what u gotta do, i am not going to let U ruin my day" so i put newspapers where she goes, and IF she goes she can go on the papers........its like "don't feed them any energy and they can go away faster, or at least ease up" i truly believe when i respond with anger/ cursing/ resenting/ fighting/ resisting/ being STUCK in fighting/ feeling victimized , i give my power over to the darkness and things get WORSE.......by "accepting it" not fighting it.....doing what i can and walking away when i am done with all i can do....i am taking their power away.......
i had to FINALLY accept that there is NO magic "happy ending" to the program....life is gonna life...some have it harder than others, but some can COPE better than others too.......so with the tools of the program, i can cope better......please myself by taking better care of me.......allow my feelings, THEN access realistically and work my options.......and i can CHANGE the way i RESPOND to things and the way i TREAT me......the dark forces of life loved, in the past, to yank me around , make me feel helpless and i fed them by "fighting them in THEIR arena...scrambling/ fighting and protecting, driving myself NUTS"........now??? with 12steps???? its a diferent story.....sure the negative energy can visit and harrass me but my response????? give it NO energy NO response NO upset and they have NOTHING to work on U with......the ancient chinease practice "non resistance" as a way of life-- and darkness has NOTHING to "glom onto" if i practice non resistance.....sure i don't have to like what is happening to me...i can even hate it....but AS i hate it, i shall MAKE myself focus on me/ my care and NON resistance.....accepting and going with the energy as i work what options i have......
i don't read the bible.....oh maybe the psalms sometimes cuz they are beautiful poetry and i love poetry and i do think there is comfort in them , but i don't really believe in it....i think when God was making promises he was either talking to someone else, OR its for us in the afterlife....either way, i was getting frustrated, feeling MORE betrayed when i would read that stuff and the promise didn't come..........so i don't read it.......MY bible is the 12steps and conference approved literature.......the "God stuff" i used to bristle up at, well MY God is within me.....i am a PART of this universe.....a PART of the SOURCE.......so i look WITHIN......and my God within can only interfer in my spiritual matters....it is not going to get very involved in earth or natural matters..............i ACCEPT it now......my latest back injury as left me thinking....."ok, what can i DO???? (rather than focus on the problem)......what options do i have?????" do it/ work it......and than??? leave it..........i hurt like hell now....i ordered some pain killers from my doc, cuz this may be a "life long" thing......
there IS no magic miracles except in the movies.....this is life--i am in another bad patch now.....my action????? keep working on me, and taking care of me, doing what i can and REFUSE to give my power over to the darkness/problems....do what i can---- and than accept and walk away from the rest.......
didn't mean to ramble here, just feeling and sharing those feelings.....i am in too much pain to do much else.......
just my take, take what works, leave the rest, rosie
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Being in pain makes us very tired. I know how it can bring out all the bad thoughts.
For me, I have learned to tell myself, you are tired. For some reason it stops the stuff in my head. Also I tell myself it is all temporary.
I had to face I could not work anymore. The IBS and osteo arthritis made life with work impossible. It has been rough but much easier on me.
Reading your post I felt sad that it seems like you have had a real frustrating time as far as the Bible. The only thing I wanted to say was, if we believe there is a creator-god then we must believe in Satan right? Satan is who brings the horrible stuff. I am so sad you have gone thru so much. Now your health is hurting.
Do you know what causes the spasms? Are they like the cramps/spasms we get in our legs? I had such bad ones, one leg would do it thiry min or so then the other. I could not get anywhere if I had to. I was ready to call 911 it hurt so bad!
I finally started taking a combo of vitamins and minerals and herbs. It works. In fact if I don't take them, I get lazy, I am veeeery sorry.
So glad you came here and vented it out.
Rosie what do you do for anti stressors? What are you into? When we go thru such horrible experiences, it takes some serious work finding our passions to help us heal. At least it does for me.
What you have gone thru is horrible. I worked with kids at risk, every one of them had been sexually abused. This kind of abuse just eats at the very core of us. No one knows better than you.
I have come to realize life is full of obstacles. It is hard stuff. Once I realized this, I deal with it and then add my own good stuff to it.
Squatters trashed my cute rental again. As usual I go in and cannot believe another human could do that to another persons propery. I used to get sick over it.
Now I am thinking I have a goal to get it cleaned and started on painting, and get finished this week end. Then hope for some used carpet.
My point is alanon has helped me to give it up. Surrender. I just do the footwork now. I in no way control my life. All I know is I am still here, I am fed and so are my animals and I don't feel bitter about all the loss and lonliness and pain. Just accept it and take a day at a time.
I hope you find some serenity, hope you feel better too! A hurting back is awful. Do you have sick leave or maybe a short term disability benefit?
I suffer from chronic pain and have not been able to work for years now. It does help to know that others are worse than us and to be grateful for what we can still do. I went through a grieving period because of my health problems as they created many losses in my life. I had to accept my limitations and that was hard. My heart goes out to you during this hard time with your health. Do what you can to take care of you. I am glad you are able to let your feelings out because keeping them in can make us ill too. Keep on posting and reaching out. cdb xoxoxoxo
Oh My, ROSIE'S LIGHT SHINES After posting earlier I read more as usual and found how similar the shoes are we walked in. And do you have gifts ! I found so many felt feelings in the way you write to identify with I feel so proud of the ability you have to express yourself. Its been much harder for me and I can see I may have alot to learn from you.you brought me
I you aren't too long.
May be watching over you and HP guiding..............BLESSINGS...........................
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Hugs Rosie hope you are not in too much pain. Maybe this is HP's way of saying hey slow down you are doing too much. Remember you have just renovated etc maybe it is time to take care of your health again. In other words if you don't take care of it yourself someone will force you to acknowledge it. Look after yourself . Luv Leo xx
hey leo, any god who would hurt me this bad is FIRED!!!!!! no , i think i was under emotional stress from my dogs and also , yes, i redecored but i did take breaks.....i think the spasms are just a condition i have to develope stronger muscles supporting my spine and also i was under emotional stress wiht job being slow and two dogs getting sick........i was "tightened" up and it came at me full force
i can't see any god being so cruel as to give me pain that was so bad i coudn't walk and was wanting to just cry, here all alone wiht noone to hug me / help me........no, any god who would do that??? has to place in my life.......
the lesson i learned from this is 1--- take off the xtra weight around my middle....2----strenghten my muscles aroudn my spine......3----diet, more alkalein, less acid foods to flush out toxins in my body.....4---release from me any emotional pain/ feelings i am not deeling wiht.........that is what i see......its me/ and my responsibility .....my body quit cuz the above 5 things are not being done right.......i also bought a back supporter for when i am doing hard work....
good to see ya girlfriend, leo, i really like hearing from U...........xxxooo back at ya..............
........rosie light shines.............
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I found so many 
I feel so proud of the ability you have to express yourself.
Its been much harder for me and I can see I may have alot to learn from you.
too long.