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Hi everyone, Im new to the board and new to the behavior of not enabling. I am here to learn how to detach with love, let go and let god, learn how to set healthy boundaries and feel ok about doing that. Days ago, I have stopped all enabling with my son who lives hundreds of miles away and all hell and homelessness is breaking lose in his life. My triggers to enable my son are so strong, that I can clearly see my enabling thinking/behaviors/part as clear as day. I know I cannot do this alone and I need support, validation and ESH from those who have walked in my shoes. Thank you for letting me share.
Welcome seahorselady to MIP - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Addiction/Alcoholism is a progressive disease and while there is no cure, there is hope and help in recovery. It's considered a family disease as usually everyone is affected in one way or another. I also have adult sons who have the disease and can totally understand your position. AA is for them when they choose to recover and Al-Anon is for us. I hope you are able to find some F2F (face to face) meetings and attend - local support is a gift that is difficult to describe. In Al-Anon, I was able to share my pain, fear, issues, etc. with others who understood and did not judge or give advice. They listened and shared their stories, experiences, strength and hope - and I felt better from my first meeting.
Know that you are not alone and there is help and hope. Glad you joined our family here - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic disease that can be arrested but not cured. We who live with the disease are powerless over it, however because we attempt to cope with the insanity, we often develop negative coping tools to survive.
IAH has offered great suggestions. Alanon face to face meetings provided me with the support I needed to find the courage to develop new tools to live by and a place to learn how to use them.
I remember arriving to the point where you are at now and I found that point after 5 separations from my alcoholic/addict wife. I was at the point of doing it again when I heard that the reason I wasn't doing it was because I didn't trust God which was true enough. I also didn't want to blame God if it didn't work out and so I just learned the trust part and let go. It wasn't about the situation coming out the way I wanted to which deep down it was. It was about me being free of the sadness and fear once I did. I was too afraid and Al-Anon at that time was talking about faith being the opposite of fear and so I needed to practice faith just once in my life. It worked as the program works when we work it. Welcome to the board,
I also had to let go of my son and actually divorce him from my life...put him out of my apartment and went to live on my own...his drinking and using was much to threatening to my own serenity and sobriety and so I moved out. Later on he would become drug and alcohol free and then to relapse a few years ago now at the age of 50. He left his family in a shambles which is classic alcoholism and I continue in my own recovery. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
As others have mentioned, F2F meetings are one of the best places to find ESH from those who have been there before. I hope, too, that you have sought a connection with a power greater than yourself, as that is an unmatched source of power and strength, that is always there for you, and is capable of giving you the guidance that none of us are qualified to offer.
Along with a sponsor and regular strength from the Alanon pages, there is nothing that you cannot overcome. So glad you are here, thank you for sharing with us
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you all for being here. This is baby steps for me as this new behavior is so new. It feels wrong, but so right at the same time. My son/s whereabouts and well being are ever constant on my mind, thats why Ive joined this board so that I can change my thinking around. So much fear. I need to trust God more than I ever have before. I need help. Thanks for letting me share.
Welcome seahorse. There is hope and support here and you are not alone. I to have spent hours of my life worrying about my daughter well being and whereabouts. It changed noting only made me sick. Using the alanon principles has helped me to gain some strength and hope irregardless of her behaviours. She is in early sobriety now and although things are certainly better they are not perfect. I am learning acceptance and how to detach.
Welcome! A difficult path you are walking. Kudos to you on your knowledge of enabling and the need for this program. You are starting with some advanced awareness already.
Welcome and congratulations on your decision. Alcohol is such a powerful drug and alcoholics are amazingly resourceful. It is very often when they have to face their own consequences that the consequences become too great and they seek help in AA. I pray your son finds the help he needs to live a better life. Know you have done a powerful and kind thing by NOT giving him something he can earn for himself.
I'm still working on not doing for others what they can do for themselves, but I am still a work in progress, so I consider everyday a success if I do one truly positive thing, one thing just for me, and give selflessly to others, without any expectation of return whatsoever. (This is not a contradiction, but a situation many of us face often. We often give to others with "conditions" and then become angry when they don't meet the "conditions" we impose on them...even subconsciously. Giving to others the gift of acceptance, love and respect, with no expectations is a great reward in itself). I am just learning, but this I am learning well.
Setting boundaries and pulling back and letting go of enabling one you love must be very hard for you. I know our stories may be different but changing behaviors can be difficult no matter how you slice it. I am SO THANKFUL that my HP is there to guide me in making the changes I need; for only he can.
What helps me in letting go and programming my mind to do so is to use my God box. The brain when reprogramming works in shapes colors and motion. When I heard about a God box, I knew that if I made one and used it it would help me immensely.
I took a box, painted it with my favorite color, painted things on it to remind me of my program, that I am surrounded with Alanon fellowship and most importantly it says LET GO, AND LET GOD.
When there is something I want to take to my HP when I am powerless and do not know what to do, I write it on a piece of paper and put it into my God box. I know it may sound crazy but it does work. I keep my box on my kitchen table where I can see it daily and quite often. I sometimes lay my hand on the box and I feel strength from my higher power, guiding my thoughts and giving me awareness I never have had. The things I have had to let go... are gone, they are in his hands.
I know I have had to step back from my own son and allowed him to live his life without my interference. It is hard, because I have been always a fixer, but my HP is working a miracle in me and I know he can with you xox
NSBlue - blue is also my favorite color! Love your God Box!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
