The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am reaching out to gain knowledge and in time peace.
Until recently my connection with addition was my father. I was young and most of what I remember is the broken promises and fighting with my mother. I dealt with it the only way I knew how and I am pleased to say my father has now been sober for over 36 years.
Neither my husband or myself drink and there is no alcohol in our home.
My recent issue involves my step son who recently came to live with us. He has battled this for a number of years and has at times done very well even having been sober for more than a year at a time then relapse, then sober for over a year and so on and so on.
At first he was doing well even attending meetings. Very shortly after I could tell things weren't right. In short order things took place that confirmed my feelings. Last night my step son told his father he needed to talk with him. It was then he admitted that he had relapsed and he asked for our help. He said what he needed from us was to make sure he attended a meeting "every" night. In theory I guess that would help but part of the problem is that my husband works swing shift and he may be on days this week and nights the next two weeks. I highly doubt I can convince my ss to attend a meeting if he really doesn't want to, and that's if he gets off work on time to even attend one.
I am constantly on edge when my husband is on night shift. I never know what will happen or which ss I will see. He is the most amazing person. Highly intelligent, polite and caring. But there has been incidents that cause me great concern and grief. One so bad that I told my husband that was it. That free pass was gone and if it happens again my ss would have to leave the home.
I did some researching for online support groups, as trying to attend meetings is a little hard for me at this time. I have a number of medical issues that prevent me from doing a lot of things as well as transportation.
I want to be able to help or at least understand. I do know that helping is limited because I firmly believe that the help needed can only come from my ss. I want to be supportive but have no idea what to say. I am going to try to find a meeting that both my husband and I can attend, I just don't know how long it will take considering his schedule and his days off (which always change).
Would love to hear any thoughts anyone is willing to share. Thanks for listening and thank you for caring.
Welcome to the family One Heart and you have come to the right place. Hope you still have your open mindedness tools available cause they will serve you best. Al-Anon is a "Family" Group not only for the affected family and also as a family itself...world wide in almost every country on the planet, daily for over 60 years. There isn't much better and the fellowship of MIP is mostly made up of members of the AFG.
Your step-son has been in the program so he knows and knows that he knows what is available to and for him. At first it sounds like he is setting you up for failure by handing his attendance in recovery up to you. AA is a huge fellowship and we support each other very nicely (I am a member there also) because being with winners helps us to win and stay sober also. Additionally though the program doesn't demand sponsorship it highly suggests it. Good sponsors save lives. They learned how to recover from good sponsors and then in response to the 12th of our 12 steps make ourselves available to others wanting and needing what it is that we now have...sobriety, sanity and the daily desire to remain that way. We only live this program one day at a time under the watchful eyes and suggestions of our higher powers.
Both programs are identical in nature, scope and goals. Those affected by someone else's drinking and or using have Al-Anon and the drinkers and users desiring sobriety and being clean and sober get in the "other" room.
When I was in your position with my own son in the past and now after a relapse today...I put the notice out that my home is a clean and sober home and alcohol and those who drink and we under the influence (always that) could not be inside of it. That is a condition that is never whispered. Everyone who knows my wife and I know that demand. Of course we also make sure it is known and understood right at our front door.
Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue...we don't have bad friends or family members and some of them are sick, affected by mind and mood altering chemicals. We do not support that condition anymore.
There are lots of reasons to not attend or put off attending the program and then for me when I was ready there was only one reason I had to be there. This is a fatal disease and it could and would kill me if I didn't take care of it.
Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs)))) and prayers for you, your husband and step son.
Welcome one heart to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too am in both programs and have two sons who both qualify for AA. They've been battling the disease for off/on 10 years, and I lost myself in both their disease and their recovery. Needless to say, my inability to cure or control them - sober or active - about drove me crazy. Then I found Al-Anon and starting embracing the program, steps, concepts, suggestions.
I, like Jerry above me have declared my home a sober home. My children both learned that by being put out. It was very hard to do but necessary for my own sanity. They've been growing up and learning through their own mistakes and it's been painful to watch but part of their journey, which is not my journey.
I have learned how to be of service vs. enabling through Al-Anon. I have learned how to let go and detach with love. Boundaries were set that are not for punishment, but rather for protection of my sanity. You are not alone and there is hope and help in the family groups. If you look to the top left, you'll see the meeting schedule here and the link to the meeting/chat room. If you look to the top right, you'll see the steps of the program and can review/read other shares on each step.
Realizing getting out might be a challenge, you can get started through reviewing this board, picking up some literature and just absorbing as much as possible. You are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
