The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After reading todays ODAT I felt it had a deep meaning and I couldn't just skim over it as I often do if im being honest. It is saying that in any situation we arent happy with we have to find the shortcomings within us that are keeping us trapped or imprisoned in it. Well thats my interpretation of what its saying. It got me thinking about my own situation with the drinker in my life and the reasons or motives behind me 'helping' him. Its mostly all about me. I found about 6 motives or shortcomings
1. Its about my ego, well im the helper, if it wasnt for me where would he be, im the nice helpful one, he needs me.
2. People will like me, think im nice and kind etc
3. Im scared to let go because what if it all goes wrong then it will be my fault.
4. If something bad happens it will reflect badly on me and may be embarrassing for me.
5. What if i end up alone and I dont like it?
6. What will people think if i stop enabling, what kind of Mother is she?
Mostly fear based reasons that are keeping me locked in to enabling behaviours and also my justifications for this are that Im confused about what my higher power wants me to do, if Im in his will, does he want me to be kind and help and be tolerant of this disease? I dont judge the drinking any more but I feel myself becoming a doormat again, just not an obvious doormat, a subtle one and iM kind of ignoring it.
Does my higher power want me to make the changes with the conditions at the moment? So live with the drinker and defend my boundaries more efficiently or take complete charge and remove the drinker and claim my home back and build my life to look like I want it to look?
I feel to live with the drinker would mean taking control of him, ie, deadlines for him to tidy up, get a job, deal with his housing situation and It never has worked, has it never worked because I havent defended the boundaries properly so he knows that i dont really mean what I say? If I begin controlling is that me not accepting and therefore not allowing another to live with their own consequences. Im confused right now, Ive been writing it out, praying and have spoken to my sponsor and an alanon friend. I just cant hear the answer yet from anywhere.
Hi LC Great awareness and acceptance. I love how the reading emphasizes the fact that we have the power to set ourselves free by facing the attitudes that chain us to our problem.
I know that once I faced my issues, and accepted that this was what Ibelieved, I needed HP to lift these negative attitudes so that my positive principles could shine through. Step 6 through 10 worked wonders. Nice share Thanks
You've put it all out there, you seem to have great clarity right now. I guess putting one foot in front of the other now, praying and patience may be the name of the game. Quieting my mind for at least 40 minutes a day helps me to hear the desires of my soul. And if my Hp chooses to communicate with me like this, then I will listen to that still small voice that is barely audible that is so easy to miss. Your doing so good Elcee. linsc
I find it is a tricky balance living with an active A. My goal is to be true to who I am but I have to detach with love with AH so feel I can't be the real me all the time with him.
I find I care less and less what other people think of me. I used to put on a theatre play if what a martyr I was!
That was rubbish, AH and I stay together because it suits us both to do so.
(((El-Cee))) - great awareness and share. I think we each have our reasons or fears that keep us doing what we're doing - until/unless we are lead to change.....perhaps that's what is happening - change is offered from HP. I hope you take the time/energy to love yourself and be good to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
