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My wife is leaving rehab on Friday. It seems that she is taking this really seriously and I am cautiously optimistic.
Here's our story. She has always been a borderline alcoholic but about 3 years ago she turned a corner for the worse. She started drinking heavily every night. She rarely came to bed. She had one accident while drunk but since it was with a parked car she was able to leave a note. I caught her several times driving our six year old son home while she was very drunk. At one point I threatened to call the police if she ever did it again. Finally, about a month ago I was out of town for a funeral and I got a frantic call from a friend. My wife had rear ended someone and was arrested for DUI. Her BAC was .36. (Yes, you read the correctly.) She was on her way to pick up our son but luckily had not done so. Obviously I had to fly home immediately.
The other part of the story is that our son has low functioning Autism. He is very sweet but difficult. One of the more difficult things is to keep him from running away, especially in a parking lot or near a road. If he gets away he will sprint in any direction without caution. So, the last 3.5 weeks have been extremely difficult on me.
Now to my point. I am very happy with the progress of my wife but I've noticed one thing that really disturbs me. The recovery process seems to make people even more self-centered and selfish. I get it they need to focus on themselves but my wife isn't 21 years old. She has responsibilities and frankly I need a break. She is going to have to learn to focus on herself while also living up to our incredible daily responsibilities.
My wife is losing her job because of her addiction. She has talked about not having a job for a while to focus on herself but I know she is not a frugal person by any stretch. Our combined income is about to go down by 60%. I need her to work and I need her to help care for our child.
What is your opinion about the selfishness of the recovery process? A lot of it seems to ignore the fact that most adults simply can't just focus on themselves.
Welcome to MIP CH - glad you found us and glad that you shared! I am a member of both sides, AA & Al-Anon so can maybe (or not) share my experience.
When the treatment center suggested recovery was selfish and the program must come first, they mean it. However, they do not intend for a person to leave treatment and sit around eating bon-bons - instead they expect those leaving treatment to create a structure that works with/around their program. So, in my experience, an idle alcoholic is not a good place to be in. Both sides suggest progress and not perfection, so it's good that one seek balance - between program, life, responsibilities, fun, etc.
I would suggest, if you've not already, that you attend some Al-Anon meetings. It's hard to understand how the disease affects others when we are in the role of caretaker for all. This disease is powerful and progressive and lies in wait to create chaos and turmoil in families. As she is still in treatment, I stronger urge you to have a sit down with her counselor to set up goals, expectations, etc. This helped in my family so we all left with a plan of action that was measurable and focused on recovery success.
In my community, there are meetings at all hours of the day/night. No matter waking and working hours, if a person new to recovery wants to hit the goal of 90 in 90, it's possible. I do realize this is not available in all areas, I just share that as there is usually a variety of meetings so folks don't have to put their responsibilities on hold to meet recovery goals. Ignoring the dishes for a meeting would be OK to me - ignoring a job, a child, a court date for a meeting would not be OK.
Both sides of the program suggest One Day at A Time. This is such a helpful tool. In Al-Anon, we often have the hope and expectation that the alcohol has been removed - now my qualifier will be able to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.....not realistic and will frustrate anyone! We learn in Al-Anon how to establish healthy boundaries, expectations, etc. If she wants recovery, she will chase it and the same applies to you.
Hope this helps - keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Justin Welcome I hear you and can certainly understand your concerns and frustrations. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured.
I am happy that your wife has embraced recovery and although her actions may appear selfish her attention to her program is an important step in her finding sobriety .
It is unfortunate that she had lost her job as a result of this disease and just maybe you can both explore other options so that your family situation , including the special attention that your son requires can be addressed, while still supporting both of your emotional health.
Living with the disease of alcoholism, we develop negative coping tools to deal with the insanity of the disease . Because of this, we also need a recovery program of our own. Alanon is that recovery program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
It is here I learned to live one day at a time, focused on myself while letting go of unrealistic expectations and my black and white thinking.
Please keep coming back here as well You are not alone.
HI Justin, Welcome to MIP. Your story sounds very familiar to me. I found out my wife was going to pick up our son and a friend from school, was pulled over in the school parking lot. The difference between merely a second DUI and reckless endangerment hinged upon whether my wife had gotten the shifter out of park while kids were in car. Fortunately (I guess) she was busted while she was trying to figure out how to get the stick into drive.
Being this was her second DUI, and she was thrown in jail with no bail for a few days, she hit her bottom. Oh yes, I forgot, I was out of town too. Home is in Indiana, and I was in Toronto on a business trip. Fortunately for me wife's mom was able to take my son for the weekend so I didn't come home. Let the wife think about what she did for awhile, and not interrupt important business that I needed to attend to. After all, one of us had to keep a job.
Lawyer worked out a deal that she could go to rehab instead of jail. When she got to rehab, she just said A"tell me what I should do and I will do it". And she did.
During the process, we had a few heated times. She thought she had found why she was alcoholic, it was my behaviors. And I couldn't dispute some of it, but I hadn't yet heard of the three C's - I didn't cause it, can't control it, and won't cure it, so I owned it and felt horrible for an afternoon. Then she called later, and apologized and said her counselor said that wife was using this to escape her part in it. I had (and still have) my part in it, but can't be blamed for it. I felt slightly less horrible. Then I joined Al Anon after going to a required counseling session for myself at the rehab.
There have been many instances of wife being selfish, but there have also been many instances of wife having phenomenal growth and increase in maturity. I have been able to ride with it myself, because much of whatever selfishness wasn't much different than before rehab, and many of them are being outgrown. There are still definitely problems. She has relapsed, and is working through that with AA and her sponsor. She has some anxiety disorders, that we work through together.
There have also been many instances of growth on my part, as I joined Al Anon when she was in rehab. There have also been many acts of selfishness on my part. But our relationship has progressed to the point where we can talk about each others' selfishness and work through it without us both getting so emotional about it ( or drunk)
Al Anon and AA have truly saved our marriage. My understanding of her disease, her trying to work through the disease, and me able to focus more on myself and work through my own problems has saved us.
I don't have good advice to give you for your situation. You sound like you have a much more severe constraint with your austistic son. I can only tell you that you will need support for yourself. you can't control how much your wife avails herself of support, but you can control how much support you can get for yourself. Check out an Al Anon meeting. It could change your life.
I will say a week ago I didn't really get the al-anon thing. Frankly I was more worried that nobody there would get my situation (being a parent of a special needs child) but now I get it. I will absolutely attend meetings.
I am certainly aware of taking things one day at a time. I've dealt with my own severe depression over the last few years and it is often triggered by my son's situation. When I worry about what the future has in store for us, whether he will still be in diapers as a teenager, whether he is going to be in a group home, etc. it triggers me to enter a cycle of depression. I've learned that I have to just enjoy the current day and embrace all of the joy my son brings. When my son was diagnosed three years ago, if you told me that he would still be in diapers in three years and that he will not be mainstreamed it would have been too much for me to handle. But, by taking it day by day I've learned that we can accept a lot more things and learn to deal with them.
I know that doesn't necessarily translate to addiction but part of it does.
It's true that alcoholics, even those who have started recovery, tend to be very self-absorbed. It goes hand in hand with the whole syndrome. And we can get (justifiably) very resentful. Frequently this is part of a much larger pattern of being the center of attention while being chronically irresponsible.
It's also true that being the parent of a special-needs child is almost impossibly demanding. My own child has a small amount of special needs and even that is exhausting. I have a good friend with a child like yours and I've seen what she's been through. (Happy ending: he is now in his 20s and living in a group home and has a low-level job, but he is earning money and is much more independent than she ever dreamed.) Anyway, her husband couldn't handle the difficulties and left, and she was left to support the child single-handed plus earn the money. It took almost superhuman powers of patience and optimism - and exhaustion.
It is so demanding that I would worry about the ability of someone in new recovery to handle this without backsliding. I think one of the things the situation is showing you is that both of you need more help. I'm sure money is tight, but some sort of home aide or the like, at least for this transition period. I know my friend wouldn't have survived without her home aides. The thing is that if your wife is thrown back into it all, and can't handle the stress - the danger is high that she will start drinking again. And then basically handling everything is up to you again, except that you have to handle her too. (It is more difficult to handle a present drunk person than an absent drunk person.)
In short, I know that what you say is absolutely true - you are handling more than one person can. But I'm not sure that an alcoholic in early recovery can shoulder this burden very effectively. She should shoulder it. But the reality may be that she can't. I hope you can plan for extra help during this period, to give your family the best possible chance.
I also hope you can find a face-to-face meeting. Support gives you the strength to move forward, and no one should have to do without that support. Hang in there. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Ive heard a lot of alcoholics say that their recovery has to be the most important thing in their life, above all else or either that and there is no anything else. Without her recovery then the only thing guaranteed is her life is likely to get worse and worse and death and insanity is the outcome. Sorry to sound dramatic but this is a life or death situation really.
I strongly recommend you get recovery for yourself if your to understand this family disease and get some peace for yourself, then you should be able to see things more clearly and make decisions based on rational thought and this will benefit your whole family. this isnt an easy road we walk but the only thing that helped me and Ive been living with this disease for over 20 years, first my ex husband and now my eldest son, was Alanon meetings, the literature, the people, a sponsor. Best of luck to you.
CHDad, You sound as if you have a lot of determination to resolve many of your problems, and I truly hope you will rely on Alanon to help you along. All of these folks speak the truth, in my opinion, and I especially suggest you take to heart what Kenny said. Wishing you and yours well and the best of everything. wp
Hi and big hugs. Special needs is constant, isn't it? Sending you lots of warm supportive vibes. My nearly 6 year old is still not toilet trained and starts special needs school next year.
I do hear you about selfishness and lack of maturity. I found it very hard to be patient with my qualifiers when my boy has a genuine need and struggle.
Alanon has been my sanity, and early intervention for autism which gives me and son six hours break a week.
Keep coming back.
So much of your story is similar to mine right now. My spouse has been sober almost 90 days and is going through detox and has been in and out of the hospital since stopping cold turkey. She lost her job and her insurance, which is making things enormously difficult. She is very sick and is looking to apply for disability. We luckily do not have children, otherwise it'd be almost impossible. We do have a huge network of friends who are helping out. You will definitely need that, possibly to help care for Your son. Do reach out, and if someone offers to help, take it!
I went on a meeting marathon, going to Alanon, CODA, and also open AA meetings. It's vital for your family's recovery, and it's vital for you. This disease is difficult to do it alone- it's very isolating. The stories I hear mirror mine and others after the meetings have reached out to me with information and support I cannot find anywhere else. It's hard enough being the caregiver of someone with a chronic disease, much less alcoholism which has so many other facets, including the self-centeredness. Please also keep coming here. This forum is great, as well as the two online meetings daily. Take care of yourself.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Justin...Aloha and you have come to the right place, the right family. Do we know this disease? There might be some differences in our experiences and in the end it is still alcoholism, cunning, powerful and baffling. Without help and treatment of ourselves we go insane because we do not understand. We know what we want and desire and almost always get the opposite of it. This is truly a disease and not a moral issue. It is thousands of years old predating evidences such as the bible and the like.
You are definitely in the right place and we will help you to live one day at a time while sharing our daily experiences with you. Prayers for you, your son and your alcoholic. Remember that the disease is incurable and yet totally arrestable by total abstinence including the family. What I did is what was suggested here. I am a long time member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. My home group is the Wednesday Night Turning Point AFG. The last emotional set back I had regarding the disease was last Monday and with the help of my sponsor and the fellowship it didn't last very long. I am good to go now with my HP and ready and able to support others. Keep coming back..this works when we work it. (((hugs)))
I entered AA with a job and was not about to demand someone else pay my way just because I stopped drinking. Yes...it is not good to overwhelm oneself in early recovery, but working is a NORMAL adult function as is childcare for adults with children. Throughout my entire first year of sobriety, the hardest times were when I was idle. Too much time to sit around in early recovery = too much time to think about relapsing. An alcoholic's thoughts are sick. "Figuring oneself out" is gonna happen from working a solid AA program....not using the same busted mind that had them drinking in the first place. Going to a meeting a day and talking to her sponsor and working the steps is the solution, not inertia. Most alcoholics and addicts do not have the luxury of not having to work. Yet people have been recovering in AA for 80 years. Does she think Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob both quit their jobs to "recover"? Hopefully, the message she will get in AA is different than the coddling message of treatment. I work in treatment/rehab and regularly tell all the clients they need to stay active and have a purpose because addiction thrives in absence of that.
As for you, I think I'd work alanon. Ultimately you are powerless over her decisions and choices. You do have a right to set your boundaries and she can either follow them or not. Then you have choices about what to do regarding a spouse that tramples your boundaries if she chooses to not respect your boundaries.
I would like to write something that you will absolutely listen to...... but then I read what pinkchip wrote and he said what I wanted to say to you. "You have a right to set your boundaries and she can either follow them or not." And then you can choose what to do when or if she chooses something else to do or decides to live with the rules of the house. She also should stay busy and productive while she works on her AA program. Maybe she can change her job if it is too time consuming, but she needs to do something while at the same time working the steps and the rest of the program with her sponsor.
You say your wife is "not a frugal person", so you will have to take care of that aspect of your relationship too. She may need only an allowance or no money at all if she can't handle that part of her life.
Look around for help with your son. You can't shoulder this all alone and you shouldn't have to. There are good programs out there. Your wife may not have found all that is available to you. You say she got worse 3 years ago and your son got his diagnosis 3 years ago, so maybe she has not worked real hard at finding help for your son.
Get to some AlAnon meetings and you will meet people who understand what you are going through. Listen, listen, listen and learn. All the stories will help you.
The way I read the fact that your son got the diagnosis 3 years ago and your wife got worse 3 years ago is this: she has had a hard time coping with the diagnosis (which would be natural), and a very hard time knowing how to find good help and to keep it all going. I'm guessing this from seeing people I know trying to take care of and help their autistic children. It's a crushing burden. It's a struggle to find good help. It's almost impossible to figure out the right way forward. That's why I'd imagine that you both could use some more help with your son. Taking care of an autistic child isn't just a way to keep busy - as you know, it's a way to feel overwhelmed and perhaps despairing. I imagine she will have plenty to do even with some outside help. The fact that your wife responded to this burden by drinking is unfortunate, of course, and just made things worse for everybody. I'm not defending her choice. But the external situation facing both of you is not nothing either. I hope you'll find good ways to take care of all of you.
For some reason I didn't notice a lot of the responses on this post. Lots of good stuff.
Mattie, I would say the Autism diagnosis didn't help but wasn't the primary factor in the alcoholism. She has always been the person you had to watch out for when we all went out for a few drinks. She would always sneak a drink in between ours and often I would have to walk her home because she drank too much. This was all before we had a child. It wasn't completely out of control though. She did well while pregnant only having a single glass of wine a month or so.
I think the diagnosis affected me more than her. I became deeply depressed. I was mad that my mom died while my wife was pregnant with our son. She was an amazing person and I know she would have had all the answers and been there for us.
One trigger for my AW was that she lost a lot of weight. I don't know exactly how much but it was well over 150 lbs. I think the lower body weight and addiction transfer from food to alcohol were the primary factors that took her from borderline alcoholic to full fledged alcoholic. Whatever it was, she got really bad really quickly.
When she lost the weight that was when she started acting inappropriately with other men. Not 100% sure if anything physical ever happened but I know her texts were highly inappropriate. She did at least pursue physical relationships, and made comments like "I've never had an affair before." Was it the alcohol or was she just testing the waters after weight loss? I don't know. That's why I'm hesitant to just say it was the alcohol driving her actions. I felt really used because I never once said anything about the weight she put on, always told her she was beautiful (and felt that way 100%), was always faithful but when she lost the weight she turned around and started shopping herself around. Maybe I'd understand if I let myself go but I work out 4 or 5 times a week and have always kept myself in decent shape.
Anyway, getting off topic. We are doing better now. I am concentrating on myself and spending less mental energy worrying about her relationships with others. We are not where I want to be as far as intimacy goes but we are better. I may just have to accept that she is not a touchy feely person and will never be as intimate as I would like. (When I say intimate I am talking about much more than sex.)
Edit: I read over this and realize that I seem to be expecting that something is owed to me because I was content when my wife was heavier. I'm kind of glad I wrote that out because without doing so I wouldn't have realized how unfair that could be. I think it's fair to question whether she acted the way she did partially because of the weight loss but my acceptance of her when she weighed more isn't a gift to her. It is what anyone should do. Wow, feel bad for writing that.
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Monday 19th of September 2016 02:57:43 PM
CH - I am so glad to hear that you're keeping your focus on you and trying to spend less mental energy on her. As a double-winner (both sides of the program), I can say that early sobriety was very, very hard for me. I see a bit of me in your wife, as I have swapped addictions - substances, shopping, food, exercise, etc. I have always had issues with extremes and 'more'. It is just the way my brain is wired, I believe I had the propensity to be addictive well before the substance arrived.
I was way more lovey-dovey, huggy, flirty, etc. under the influence. For me, the alcohol and other substances gave me courage and self-esteem that were lacking without it. When I came to recovery, and considered my life without my crutch/best friend, I was scared to death. It took me a long while to feel OK in my own skin without substances and even longer to be able to realize I can do life, fun, intimate things without being impaired/altered.
I began my active addiction early on - not a drunk at 13, but certainly already exploring mind/mood altering substances. By 15, I never went one full day without being altered in some way. So - all things that normal people learn in teen years, I learned with 'help'. I share this to suggest that her comfort level with intimacy (hugs, hand-holding, etc.) is familiar to me. I got through it but had to trust myself that it would be OK without being altered.
My hope is you both continue your recovery, one day at a time. In both sides of the program, living in the moment has been a gift I had never understood or considered. Trying to figure out why another person did what they did or does what they do will make us insane again in our own recovery. My best suggestion is when you begin to go down that path, turn around, turn it over and do your best to just focus on you. It was very hard for me to let go of what the past held, but it was truly necessary for me to be serene and find my joy. I also believe that forgiveness is not about anyone but us/me. I forgive to let the negative energy go and to give my heart more room for joyful things. I have this silly vision that our brains and hearts are finite in what they can carry/hold. So - in my silly line of reasoning, I must release the past to have room for the present and future.
You sound good - sending thoughts and prayers to you and your spouse and child. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep seeing change all around you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
